Here's Your 'Sunday Electoral Map Analysis,' Lozers!
My stars, what a fun Wonkette Weekend we are having! We decided to start posting everyday through the election after you people kept e-mailing us about how we are lazy. Well fine, you've got your weekend "phunnies," lunatics, and it comes at the expense of Jesus sending us to Hell for working on a Sunday, so, um, yeah, there's that, right? Not that any of you Muslims would understand. HA, we joke, we love posting (??) so much that we will now take a thorough look at the state of the Electoral Map for the first time in a while, for those of you who get off on incomprehensible math-porn.
Up top, that's your Pollster.com map (definitely look at the FiveThirtyEight map, where the reds and blues are a bit sharper defined), which today has taken the insane step of labeling Georgia, motherfucking GEORGIA, as a toss-up state -- even after Obama moved most of his personnel out of there a couple of months ago. Eh, we doubt this, because it is GEORGIA. Besides, it doesn't really matter: if Obama wins Georgia, that means he's already won North Carolina, which means he's already won Virginia, which he doesn't even need to win the election.
And just assume McCain will win Montana and the Dakotas too because, again, WTF?/who cares.
So all McCain needs to win among the competitive races is Georgia, North Dakota, South Dakota, Nevada, Missouri, Indiana, Ohio, North Carolina, Florida, and either Pennsylvania or Virginia+Colorado or Virginia+New Mexico+New Hampshire GAHHH SO MUCH IS NECESSARY, BRAIN EXPLOSION!!!!E;FMLKWEKFMWE$$$$Wqdscnm.
After assessing all of this, John McCain decided to campaign in Iowa today.
Oh look, new poll: ahead by four in Arizona.
Since McCain has no money whatsoever, he's decided to concentrate most of his efforts on the one-state solution -- Pennsylvania -- to the aforementioned "either-or" scenario, while schlepping out his daughter and Sarah Palin to Virginia, New Hampshire, etc. The "real Virginians" of course find some appeal in Palin, so that's logical, but complicating her efforts there are various McCain brothers and surrogates constantly mocking entire regions of the state as "communist" or "populated with fake humans" or tying up the state's emergency phone lines to complain about traffic while barking expletives.
Pennsylvania should be retardedly easy for McCain, as nothing fatal like a "complete voter rush to Obama" has happened there over the last month:
Indeed, he's got the pwecious little junior senator from Illinois right where he wants him -- WITHIN DOUBLE DIGITS. And just wait until those Pennsylvanians hear about the REAL Barack Obama!
Oy. Why would McCain go "all in" for Pennsylvania, where he is losing by a margin greater than the entire populations of Montana, North Dakota and South Dakota combined? This will be a hard task to pull off in one week, human logic tells us. Good lord, John Murtha just INSULTED the entire Western half of his state as "racist" and "backwards" several times in very public interviews, and all that did was shave Obama's state lead from ~13 percentage points to ~12.78.
Hmm... maybe if Obama and Governor Ed Rendell give 20 interviews calling all Pennsylvanians, their families, and their Pennsylvania ancestors "homeless stupid fags," maybe then McCain could get this thing down to ~10.11 points.
Alas, absent any major shocks to the system, McCain's best hope is that a couple million resolved Obama voters wake up on Election Day and say to themselves "Whoa hey I actually do hate those awful Negroes, come to think of it." Many political reporters and pundits love to entertain this exact scenario as a legitimate possibility.