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Herman Cain Tells CPAC To 'Outsmart Stupid People Running America’

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Didn't you sort of feel like Herman Cain said he was just going out for a pack of smokes, and then we never heard from him again and somehow got stuck with his car note and a bunch of boring creepo 'Washington insiders?' Well, CAIN'S BACK, BABY. Just goes to show you can't keep a good grifter down, no matter how many of that grifter's alleged side-pieces come out of the woodwork to force thetimely demise of his book tour/presidential campaign. Cain took time out of his busy schedule to sidle up to CPAC and whisper some sweet nothings into its ear about how smart (and sexy) everyone there definitely is. Smarter than liberals, that's for sure!


CNS News, our new favorite Patient Zero for right-wing hysteria, has the details:

In a speech at the Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington on Thursday, former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain hailed the American Revolution -- and said it’s time for another one.

“It’s time for a new American revolution, not with bombs and bullets but with brains and balance,” Cain said. “We must outsmart liberals. We must outsmart the stupid people running America.”

Yes, brilliant! Tests for Public Service, or whatever branch of government it is that runs the country! Sample Question 1 -- True or False:

“There were two reasons I dropped out of the race -- gutter politics, and two, I chose to put my family first,” Cain said.

Trick question, guys! Cain did actually say the words above. So, True! But, no, the answer is actually False in the way you were thinking, with the women and the payouts and the 'you want a job, don't you,' and everything. Be sure to apply to a safety government, just in case. [CNS 'News'; Image via Shutterstock]

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Donald Trump held another great big slob picnic in Orlando, Florida, last night, where he "announced" the "start" of his 2020 campaign, which will be exactly like his 2016 campaign except for the minor detail that he's actually been in the White House since 2017, which is really a bummer, man. Still, it's no reason he can't run as an outsider who vows to protect everyday Americans who believe he's just like them. The rally was a mishmash of the same damn shit he's said a million times before, and the rubes loved almost every minute of it except for the boring parts when he talked about stuff he's supposedly achieved in office, because not even his supporters care about trade policy or tariffs. They want an enemy, and they want to be told they and Trump will destroy that enemy together because they are the real Americans. So that's what Trump gave them, again and again, a feast of fear and resentment designed to get them to the polls. It was enough in 2016, and Trump thinks it'll do the job in 2020.

If there was anything new in the speech -- which was mostly Trump reading from a teleprompter, plus the expected weirdass asides -- nobody has identified it. He complained about the press and the crowd chanted "CNN sucks," and he explained what a threat to the nation Hillary Clinton is -- in fact, he mentioned her eight times during the 80-minute rant.

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