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Herman Cain Worried His Cancer Doc's Muslim Name Sounded 'Too Foreign'

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Herman Cain, currently in an eight-way tie for senior superlative Least Likely to Be President, would like to reiterate that he really,really does not care for these bothersome Muslims. He doesn't want them in his cabinet, he doesn't want them in his judiciary, and he definitely doesn't want them trying to cure him of cancer, thank you very much!


The allegedly charming Cain was regaling yet another dumb Republican audience at Orlando's Holy Land Experience, the theme park non-evangelical parents threaten to take their kids to if they get too rowdy at Disney World. Things turned serious when Cain began speaking about his bout with cancer (a horrible thing) which turned out to be the sort that could be treated with surgery and chemotherapy (a fortunate thing). Even more fortunately, though, Dr. Abdallah, the surgeon Cain thought sounded, from his name and everything, like he might not be that into Jesus, turned out to be TOTALLY into Jesus! PRAISE HIM!!!

We'll let Cain do something his campaign never should and that is let him try to explain what he's talking about:

"I said to his physician assistant, I said, 'That sounds foreign -- not that I had anything against foreign doctors -- but it sounded too foreign," Cain tells the audience.

Honestly, that was actually a good move on his part. Sometimes these PAs keep a nice Frenchman or Cypriot in the back office, for emergencies or whatever, and all you have to do is strongly hint that you're willing to walk unless you get one. It's called being a smart consumer.

Cain continued:

"She said, 'He's from Lebanon.' Oh, Lebanon! My mind immediately started thinking, wait a minute, maybe his religious persuasion is different than mine!"

"She could see the look on my face and she said, 'Don't worry, Mr. Cain, he's a Christian from Lebanon.'"

"Hallelujah!" Cain says. "Thank God!"

Thank you, Christian God, specifically, for saving Herman Cain from a probable forced conversion under anesthesia! He has so much unfinished bilking of evangelical voters to do here on Christian Earth! [Dave Weigel]

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Cripes the News has been awful lately! And so Yr Editrix suggested we find some good, positive news. Especially after we pitched writing a Wonket about this Mother Jones story on how global warming may be killing the whales, even though Donald Trump knows their prince. (Reply: "Nope. FOR SURE NOT THAT.") And so, as a reminder that a gooder world is possible and apropos of nothing at all that definitely didn't set your Editrix off on Twitter, where she has been stewing and bitching most shrillfully about the 2016 election and the 2020 election and any terrible similarities thereof and thereupon and therefore and thereto, we present a collection of videos of Elizabeth Warren yelling at big banks and calling for them to be broken up and their criminal operators to go to jail. Puppies and kittens will only get you so far, after all.

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