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It was a Friday Night Massacre, except for the part where nobody was resigning because they refused to carry out dictator-like orders from a criminal president, they were just like "AYE AYE, KING SIR!" and firing all the motherfuckers who done hurt Donald Trump's feelings and made his orange face even orangier.

First Trump ordered the firing of Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman, an American hero with a Purple Heart who witnessed some of Trump's Ukraine crimes up close, including his treason phone call with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. Just to be super-fascist dicks, they fired Vindman's twin brother Yevgeny too. Minutes later, it was Gordon Sondland, who was out as ambassador to the European Union.

Let's pause for a second to dwell on the differences between Sondland and Vindman. Vindman, whose family escaped the Soviet Union when he was a small child, got a Purple Heart fighting America's wars. According to Fiona Hill, who was his boss, he's "a top 1 percent military officer and the best Army officer I have worked with in my 15 years of government service." Sondland, meanwhile, is a douchebag who donated a million dollars to the Trump inaugural and was allowed to be ambassador to the EU, an actual real job, as a token of Trump's appreciation. Of course, the thing that unites the two men is that they told the truth about Trump, though it took Sondland several-eleventy tries to get his testimony straight. Sondland eventually admitted that not only was there a quid pro quo, but "everyone was in the loop," and oh yeah, he just remembered, he personally delivered that quid pro quo to the Ukrainians. And the yelly shitmouth in the White House is upset and out for blood, so of course they both had to go.

But the New York Times is reporting that heroic Republican senators tried to stop it! (The Sondland firing, not the Vindman firing. Republicans are acting like literal traitors to America over Vindman, because that's how threatening he is to them.) Oh, golly, they tried! After voting in the impeachment trial to cosign any crimes Trump has committed or might want to commit in the future, they used all that pull they obviously have with Trump, and they tried!

We don't know what your favorite hero song is, but the proper soundtrack for this blog post is the Mariah Carey song.


A handful of Republican senators tried to stop President Trump from firing Gordon D. Sondland, the ambassador to the European Union who testified in the House impeachment hearings, but the president relieved the diplomat of his post anyway, according to people briefed on the discussions.

The senators were concerned that it would look bad for Mr. Trump to dismiss Mr. Sondland and argued that it was unnecessary, since the ambassador was already talking with senior officials about leaving after the Senate trial, the people said. The senators told White House officials that Mr. Sondland should be allowed to depart on his own terms, which would have reduced any political backlash.

Whew, what an inspiring story, maybe one day we'll make a difference like these senators. But alas, the relationship between Republican senators and Trump isn't an equal back-and-forth, but more like those senators act like they were born to lick the underside of Trump's feet clean every time he says "LICK IT!" so their unflappable bravery didn't make much of a difference.

You will never guess which profiles in courage we are talking about:

Among the Republicans who warned the White House was Senator Susan Collins of Maine, who after voting to acquit Mr. Trump said she thought he had learned a lesson. Others included Senators Thom Tillis of North Carolina, Martha McSally of Arizona and Ron Johnson of Wisconsin.

Oh yes, it was Susan Collins, who thought Trump had learned his big lesson from impeachment, which was true if the lesson was "I can do anything I want and nobody will stop me." And it was Tillis and McSally, whose re-election bids, like Collins's, are in danger, Will Robinson. (The Times notes that Sondland has also donated to Tillis.) And it's Ron Johnson, who is so far up his ass in Trump's Ukraine scheme, maybe he just really wants Trump to please stop the bleeding before anybody else is exposed.

So how many impeachment witnesses still have a job? Well, Marie Yovanovitch, who was the first fired in Trump's crime scheme, officially left the foreign service a little over a week ago. Bill Taylor, who took Yovanovitch's place in an acting capacity, is also gone from his position. The Times also notes, in a piece of news that went less noticed, that Jennifer Williams, who worked in Pence's office and testified about Trump's treason call, went ahead and asked for a new job in Not White House. She's going to CENTCOM.

And of course, a bunch of the witnesses left their jobs like the day after they testified, or the night before. Oh yes, and Trump reportedly very much wants to fire intelligence community inspector general Michael Atkinson, for protecting the whistleblower like a common patriot.

Don't worry, if there are any left, we are sure Trump will improperly fire them by the end of the week and Susan Collins will be pained about that, just distressed, oh well, better do what Trump says some more, don't wanna get in big trouble with the boss.

[New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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