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The Constitution-loving Tennessee House of Representatives expanded freedom a little bit last week, voting 65-21 in favor of a bill that would prevent local governments from restricting guns in public parks. They were in a hurry to pass it in time for the NRA's Annual Meeting, to be held in Nashville April 10-12. And while some nervous nellies (and communist agitators) might have some qualms about letting people carry guns around in public parks, hero state Rep. Glen Casada explained in a press conference that guns are no more dangerous than bicycles, because sure, people sometimes get shot accidentally, but then, people die on bikes alla time too.


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Still, some commie freedom-hating reporters wondered if allowing people with concealed carry permits to carry in a park was such a great idea, considering that the night before the Guns-in-Parks bill passed, a college student accidentally shot himself in the head when he knocked his shooting iron off a picnic table. While playing with a cat. The cat, being sensible enough not to fool with guns, was apparently unharmed. And so, reporters asked, considering that parks are often frequented by children, shouldn't the occasional accidental discharge be a matter of some concern?

Reporter: So, if there’s an accident and a permit holder is in a park, there’s a high chance it’s going to hit a child.

Casada: There’s accidents with bicycles in parks. Should we outlaw bicycles?

Reporter: Yeah, but bikes very rarely kill people.

Casada: That’s not true, I disagree with that statement.

Well, then! Guess we are at an impasse! No way of knowing, is there? Oh, wait! One could look it up! In 2013, there were 741 bicyclists killed in accidents with motor vehicles. And on average, there are roughly 600 deaths a year due to negligent discharges of firearms -- so there you go! Guns are much safer than bikes. Or at least safer than bikes in traffic. While we haven't done any detailed research, we're going to go way out on a limb and bet that the number of cycling deaths that don't involve crashes with cars is pretty low -- the occasional smash into a tree or mountain biker tumbling off a cliff. So obviously, from a statistical standpoint, Tennessee needs to allow open carry in traffic, if only to get a better statistical comparison.

But once Rep. Casada established that bikes are deadly, would the reporters let it go? They did not, the big jerks!

Reporter: Guns are weapons. Are you saying a gun is as safe as bicycle?

Casada: If used properly I am. If used properly.

Let's just leave aside the question of whether Rep. Casada is, as he implies, actually a weapon, at least when he is used properly, and examine this assertion. A bicycle, when used properly, will get you from one place to another, improve your health, and get you covered with mud whenever it rains (other proper uses for bicycles include parking them in the garage and intending to ride them someday, really, as the tires go flat and spider colonies make their homes in the spokes). A gun, when used properly, puts holes in things, including occasionally people. It is also useful for preventing tyranny, we hear. Used improperly, a bike can result in a hilarious appearance on Ow! My Balls! while an improperly used gun could result in death or serious injury, but don't worry, honey, I'm sure the kids will never find it where I've hidden it. Of course it's loaded -- you want me fumbling around when burglars are breaking in?

In any case, Casada has no use for purely hypothetical comparisons of guns and bicycles, the latter of which, we should note, are not even in the Constitution:

Reporter: In the event of an accident, which is more likely to kill someone?

Casada: Now we’re back in theoretical. I think in Tennessee we’re dealing with a lot more questions than guns in parks. I think this is a minor thing in the scope of what we’re doing good in Tennessee.

Also in Tennessee there are much bigger questions than whether bicycles can kill. We all know they are the first step toward the UN's Agenda 21 tyranny, as Great Tennessean Victoria Jackson has pointed out. And when the blue-helmeted occupation troops come to take your freedom, you're going to wish you had a 12-gauge, not a 12-speed.

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But would the reporters stick to the facts? They would not, and persisted in hypo-theoretical imaginary questions about things that have not happened yet, which is not reporting at all but a kind of science fiction. You might as well ask if the robots are going to rise up and steal old people's medicine, you crazies!

Reporter: If someone is hit accidentally with a bullet, you guys are fine defending this bill?

Casada: If someone gets run over by an automobile accidentally, there’s nothing I can do about that. These are things beyond, they’re called acts of God, they’re beyond our control.

Look, shit happens, and if a gun goes off or a car crashes or a robot decides to ignore the 3 Laws of Robotics, that is not my concern. Shouldn't we instead be talking about the rights of people to protect themselves from panicked cats running away from picnic tables after an accidental gun discharge? Those little bastards have sharp claws, like everywhere, and they could just run up your pants leg and claw your face off. Do you want that to happen in a park? Unlike accidental shootings or bicycle accidents or car crashes, cats are not acts of God, because the furry little shits think they are God. You've never seen a cat riding a bicycle, now have you?

I believe I have proven my point. God bless the great state of Tennessee, and God bless America.

[AATP / The Tennessean]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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