Hey Aaron Schock, What'd You Find Down That Dude's Pants At Coachella?
AIN'T THIS JUST ALWAYS THE WAY?
You're a young-ish gay bro with a smokin' hot body, and you've gone to Coachella with your young-ish gay bro friends with smokin-hot bodies (you are WeHo gays, because of course you are). Your shirts are off, you're glistening with sweat as you grind to the music, maaaaaaaybe there are some illegal drugs coursing through your veins and some poppers in your fanny pack for later, and before you know it somebody puts a picture of you on the internet with your tongue in some dude's mouth and your hands down his pants. Whatcha lookin' for in there, young-ish gay bro with the smokin' hot body? Buried treasure? Or maybe just D-I-K? (Not gonna lie, we have been in similar situations.)
Did we mention you are Aaron Schock, former anti-gay congressman from Peoria, Illinois, the quote-unquote "metrosexual" dude who resigned in disgrace in a corruption scandal and proceeded to be indicted in 2016 on 24 counts? (The one who you -- different "you," Editrix Rebecca "you," not the Aaron Schock "you" -- had thought was already out of the closet and didn't understand why this was a post, and you were like "why is this a post, Evan, dude isn't even in Congress anymore, so, he kissed a guy, big fuckin' whoop" and THEN you realized that oh, that bitch has been lying this whooooole time, and in fact was still "metrosexual" and "straight" and "a big fucking gaybasher" up until now:thirty? -- Ed.)
Well, far be it from us to say people shouldn't have second chances, or that there's anything wrong with throwin' hips with a gay bro of the same gender -- or several in the same weekend! -- but on the same day when the first legitimately openly gay presidential candidate is being mocked by protesters dressing up as him and BEATING JESUS CHRIST (because that's what gays do!) and screaming at him about Sodom and Gomorrah, we kind of give a shit.
Smile, Aaron Schock, you seem to be on candid camera!
Let's zoom in on that pic:
And let's Zapruder it while comparing it to the Aaron Schock we used to have so much fun with here at Wonkette during his glory days of using taxpayer dollars for inappropriate (and kinda gay) purposes like redecorating his office to look like the set of "Downton Abbey" and gallivanting his (hot male) personal photographer (named Jonathon. With an "O") around the world on exotic trips, all while voting against the life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness of LGBT citizens:
Yeah, that would appear to be him! (And he appears to be a little worse for the wear these days. Womp womp.)
Wonkette hasn't personally confirmed that the dick-grabber pictured above is indeed Schock, but here's James Duke Mason, who writes for Queerty and is a man on the scene in West Hollywood (Aaron lives in Beverly Hills these days, reportedly, because of course he does), sharing the pics on his Facebook page:
After that post started traveling, others came forward to Queerty to confirm that yes, Aaron Schock was at Coachella, yes, he was with his gays, and yes, he was personally caught in flagrante deDICKto, get it? Also somebody shared this pic with them, of a man who appears to be Schock (left) with his hand down some guy's pants (right):
TBH, we picked him out of that last shot more easily than we did in the others, assuming it's him, and it looks like it is.
If you're skeptical that all these people just happened to get these pics and share these stories: Despite what you may have heard, the stereotype that all gay guys know each other is true (no it isn't, but it's like three degrees separation). And if a bunch of WeHo gays were at Coachella and already knew Aaron Schock was GAYIN' IT UP in their scene -- and moreover, if a not insignificant number of them are not OK with that? -- just imagine how fast word travels and iPhone cameras get launched.
Now, let's talk about outing real fast, because we have two points to make, both of which were also made by our pal Dan Savage on Twitter, who will not mind if we copy from his paper. Number one, outing people sucks. But if you got yer hand down a gentleman's shorts and your tongue down his throat at Coachella, you are not doing a very good job of staying in the closet.
Number two, though, and more importantly, is that Aaron Schock, again, spent his entire career in Congress as a Republican who didn't even stay silent on gay rights, but actively worked against them. He voted against hate crimes protections for LGBT people, and he voted to keep the twin evil laws, the Defense of Marriage Act and Don't Ask Don't Tell. He got a ZERO PERCENT rating from the Human Rights Campaign.
Here is Aaron Schock talking about marriage equality:
Rep. AARON SCHOCK of Illinois on Gay Marriage www.youtube.com
The rules of outing are real fuckin' simple: Don't do it. Unless you are dealing with a person who has spent their active public life hurting LGBT people, working to deny them rights, working to make them feel unloved and unwelcome in the Church, or anything else you can think of that fits under the heading of GLARING FLAMING FUCKING HYPOCRISY, and who has done nothing to apologize or take responsibility for that. In that case, OUT AWAY!
Or as James Duke Mason put it on Facebook:
My message to Aaron Schock is simple: apologize. Think of all the LGBT people, especially kids, you've hurt with your votes against gay marriage, against hate crimes legislation, against allowing gays in the military and against anti-discrimination laws. You do NOT get a free pass to live free of criticism until you own up to your mistakes. I don't have sympathy for a man who spent most of his life building a career off destroying the lives of his own people. He must be held accountable.
Oh yeah, and one more thing, in case you feel like this is old news and Schock is a private citizen now. After Schock struck a deal last month with federal prosecutors to make his legal troubles go away, he declined to rule out getting back into politics at some point, because you know how entitled little shithole people are. So there's that.
In summary and in conclusion, here are two recent pics of Aaron Schock from his Instagram with openly gay singers Sam Smith and Elton John. Schock is looking ... plastic. And 'roided out. But that isn't really the point of this post, it's just mean icing on the cake.
That little fucker.
We look forward to Aaron Schock 'splaining himself and starting the long process of apologizing, but we're not holding our breath or anything.
And now it is your open thread.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!
Wonkette is ad-free and funded ONLY by YOU, our dear readers. Click below to keep the lights on, please. We appreciate you, most of the time.