MIKA JUST CAN'T. IT HURTS.

Yes. Yes it does. But we guess it coulda been worse. At least he didn't start nuclear war, right?

The rest of the address was Rancid Little Weenus Stephen Miller's magic speechwriting mix. Start with 22% factoids, leaven with 19% flattery for the host (Trump fancies himself a master at making people like him), let him spend 24% bragging, plus the obligatory 29% threats and 6% promotion of Trump properties. Fifty percent of the time, it works all the time.

Trump got the ball rolling with brief history lesson on the Korean War:

From the Inchon landings to Pork Chop Hill, American and South Korean soldiers have fought together, sacrificed together, and triumphed together.

Many people don't know, THERE WAS WAR. It was bigly! Also, too, 36,000 American troops died! Plus a bunch of Koreans. MANY CARNAGE, LIKE CHICAGO PROBABLY!

Then on to the delicious bragging-flattery cocktail:

Today, your economy is more than 350 times larger than what it was in 1960. Trade has increased 1,900 times. Life expectancy has risen from just 53 years to more than 82 years today.

Like Korea, and since my election exactly one year ago today, I celebrate with you. The United States is going through something of a miracle itself. Our stock market is at an all-time high. Unemployment is at a 17-year low. We are defeating ISIS. We are strengthening our judiciary, including a brilliant Supreme Court justice, and on, and on, and on.

Was this the miracle he was referring to? Or maybe it was this one? Or could it have been this?

Then Trump Korea-splained Korea to the Koreans, AS ONE DOES:

Not just my speech today, but even the most commonplace facts of South Korean life are forbidden knowledge to the North Korean people. Western and South Korean music is banned. Possession of foreign media is a crime punishable by death. Citizens spy on fellow citizens, their homes are subject to search at any time, and their every action is subject to surveillance.

Thank God we sent a white man over to tell them what happens on the other side of the DMZ. Many people are saying Trump Tower's kimchi recipe is tremendous, the best in the world. Maybe Trump could show you how to make it while he's over there visiting! The secret is KETCHUP.

Now, a little argle-bargle:

All the while, the regime has pursued nuclear weapons with the deluded hope that it could blackmail its way to the ultimate objective. And that objective we are not going to let it have. We are not going to let it have. All of Korea is under that spell, divided in half. South Korea will never allow what's going on in North Korea to continue to happen.

Uhhhh ... Good luck, South Korea!

And for dessert, two scoops of empty threats:

I also have come here to this peninsula to deliver a message directly to the leader of the North Korean dictatorship: The weapons you are acquiring are not making you safer. They are putting your regime in grave danger. Every step you take down this dark path increases the peril you face.

And, yes, Kim Jong Un is a murderous despot. But we can't help but at least understanding where the North Koreans are coming from, crazy-asses that they are, when they say,

We don't care about what that mad dog may utter because we've already heard enough.

Yeah, we really have heard enough. And so had Trump, apparently. Because en route to visit the DMZ, Trump's plane turned around because of fog. Or possibly bone spurs. Who the hell even knows! This asshole talks a big game, but when it comes to actual danger? PFFFFFT.

[WaPo / Mediaite / CNN / White House Transcript]

Lordy, we watched that entire, idiotic speech and now our brain is broked! Please to put a tip in the jar, TYVM!