Hey, Barack O'Birthday! Here's To 56 More Years Of Having Bigger Hands Than Donald Trump!


Happy 56th birthday, Barack Obama! You are sexxxy and kind and wonderful and still the president of our hearts and our pants! Know why? Fuck Trump. We will never acknowledge his hairy stinky birthday. But yours? ALWAYS.

Here's Michelle Obama, the first lady of the people in the United States who love our country, saying OH HEY BIRTHDAY BAMZ on Twitter:

So ... what should we do for Obama's birthday? Ooh, we know! Let's make a list of things about Obama that are bigger/yooger/sexxxier/more tremendous than whatever floppy little Beanie Weenie Donald Trump's packin':

  • His hands.
  • His heart.
  • His brain.
  • His number of degrees.
  • His number of accomplishments.
  • His sperm count we are just guessing.
  • His number of presidential accomplishments.
  • His approval rating at pretty much any given time during his presidency. (Guess who never sunk into the 30s, not ever?)
  • His first Electoral College win.
  • His second Electoral College win.
  • His popular vote in 2008.
  • His popular vote in 2012.
  • The number of world leaders who DO NOT fall over in giggle-fits when they hear his name, unless they are recalling the most hilarious joke he ever told, in which case laughing is OK.
  • His Big D we are just guessing.
  • Balls too we are just guessing.
  • Hell, the entire Obama Down Theres.
  • Did we already say his hands?
  • We should say his hands several times, because President Thin-Skin is really sensitive about his hands, which are like crusty, heinous mini-baby paws compared to Obama's.
  • His biceps.
  • His wife's biceps.
  • His class.
  • His elegance.
  • Did we say his Big D already? Haha of course we did.
  • His self-confidence.
  • His ability to climb stairs without crying and falling down go boom.
  • The number of people in America who would piss on him if he was on fire.
  • His vocabulary.
  • His handsomeness.
  • The number of people in America who would enjoy making intercourse with him.
  • And finally, once again, his hands, in case we haven't said that enough.

So anyway, Bamz. Have a good birthday! It's your day, so do what you want! Have sexxxytime with Michelle! Eat some steak! Go out on a yacht with one of your mega-rich pals! Take your pants off! Sneak over to the White House and give literally any person there a shiny new quarter in exchange for changing the locks while President Fuck-Bonkers is off puss-grabbing in New Jersey! GO NUTS!

Call all your friends in the Deep State and tell them you've got some "wire tapps" from the Trump Oval Office and White House residence you'd like to dead drop! That might be fun, don't you think?

Hire an airplane to fly over Trump's Bedminster resort that says "NO PEE TAPE. NO PEE TAPE. YOU'RE THE PEE TAPE." And if you happen to have a copy, DROP IT OUT OF THE AIRPLANE! You deserve it, big guy. If any of these activities appeal to you, just feel free!

Order a pizza. Drink as many alcohols as you want! Drunk-dial Eric Trump and tell him his dad's a pussy! Seriously, we are just trying to serve our president by helping with fun #BirthdayIdeas.

Now, to close out this post, here are a million pictures of Barry Bamz being sexxxy. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Picture of Barry and his armpits by Jack Brockway from the Virgin website. We hope he is OK with us borrying the picture!

The end. And now it is your OPEN THREAD.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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