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On April 10, Attorney General Bill Barr testified in the Senate, and Maryland Democratic Senator Chris Van Hollen asked him if special counsel Robert Mueller supported his (full of shit) conclusions about the Mueller Report. He said, "I dunno."

Either Bill Barr has a worse memory than Donald Trump, which should be disqualifying for all jobs, or he lied to the Senate.

Because TWO WEEKS BEFORE THAT, on March 27, the Washington Post reported last night, Robert Mueller sent him a letter expressing how SEVERELY PISSED he was about Barr's handling of his work. This was just after Barr sent Congress a four-page mash note clearing Trump of all Russian crimes past, present and future, and declaring that Trump was moreover completely innocent of obstruction of justice. This, even though Mueller and his investigators very clearly prepared their own executive summaries that were pretty much ready to hand to the public, summaries that actually explained their conclusions, and even though it's excessively fucking clear in reading the Mueller Report that Mueller did not intend for Barr to make that decision on obstruction, but rather intended for Congress to take up the question.


"The summary letter the Department sent to Congress and released to the public late in the afternoon of March 24 did not fully capture the context, nature, and substance of this office's work and conclusions," Mueller wrote. "There is now public confusion about critical aspects of the results of our investigation. This threatens to undermine a central purpose for which the Department appointed the Special Counsel: to assure full public confidence in the outcome of the investigations."

Not only did Mueller send that letter (UPDATE: NBC News just tweeted the full letter), he also spoke to Barr on the phone about it, so let's back up to Bill Barr telling Senator Van Hollen that he hasn't the foggiest idea what Mueller thinks about his cover-up operation. He knew.

Days after Barr's announcement, Mueller wrote the previously undisclosed private letter to the Justice Department, laying out his concerns in stark terms that shocked senior Justice Department officials, according to people familiar with the discussions.

That is DoJ code for "HOLY SHIT HE WAS PISSED." As MSNBC contributor and former acting head of the DEA Chuck Rosenberg told Rachel Maddow last night, there is a phrase in the department called "putting it to paper." In short, it means that if you are so angry/dismayed/frustrated about something that you "put it to paper," that means it's really severe, and that you're specifically doing this to create a historical record of how pissed off you are.

The Post reports that Mueller's letter specifically asked Barr to release the executive summaries he had prepared, so as to show everybody what a big fucking liar Bill Barr is clear the record and restore some integrity to the process.

In his letter to Barr, Mueller wrote that the redaction process "need not delay release of the enclosed materials. Release at this time would alleviate the misunderstandings that have arisen and would answer congressional and public questions about the nature and outcome of our investigation."

Meanwhile, "Justice Department officials" are whispering in the Post's ear about what Mueller and Barr talked about on the phone the day after the letter was sent:

In that call, Mueller said he was concerned that media coverage of the obstruction investigation was misguided and creating public misunderstandings about the office's work, according to Justice Department officials.

Was it the part about the media reporting that Bill Barr had pre-emptively cleared the president, when at that point nobody was allowed to READ THE FUCKING REPORT? That could have been it. "Justice Department officials" also told the Post that Mueller didn't think Barr's mash note to Congress was "inaccurate," though, so we're sure it's all fine and "Justice Department officials" aren't covering up for their boss in the newspaper.

Anyway, the Post reports that Barr listened to Mueller's concerns and promptly decided to ignore them and keep doing what he was doing, covering for the president while insisting on several weeks of redactions, in order to get some more juice out of the fucked up lie narrative that Trump had been cleared on obstruction of justice charges. After Mueller's letter didn't work on Barr, it's unsurprising that we then learned that Mueller's own investigators were extremely displeased with how the findings of their investigation were being presented to the public.

The New York Times and Wall Street Journal have their own versions of the story, which read as the result of them scrambling to confirm it and subsequently getting worked over by their DoJ sources after the Washington Post scooped everybody. In the Times, we even get kiss-ass quotes about how "Mr. Barr and senior Justice Department officials were frustrated with how Mr. Mueller ended his investigation and drafted his report," according to their three access journalism sources. It goes on:

"They expressed irritation that Mr. Mueller fell short of his assignment by declining to make a decision about whether Mr. Trump broke the law. That left Mr. Barr to clear Mr. Trump without the special counsel's backing."

That's funny, because we read the report, and can confirm that ANY FUCKING DIPSHIT could tell you that Mueller "fell short" because he wanted CONGRESS to make that decision. Christ, he laid out a goddamn road map for an impeachment inquiry. He chose not to make a decision on obstruction of justice, because he knew the attorney general believes the president is above the law and thus cannot commit obstruction, therefore he accepted the DoJ guidance on indicting sitting presidents -- though we sense he disagrees with it -- and tossed the ball to Congress to deal with Trump from a constitutional standpoint.

And it's also extremely fucking clear that Mueller's report was prepared in such a way that Congress, and also the American people, could read it. (This seems to really be pissing Bill Barr off, by the way, if you look at his prepared testimony for the Senate today. That shithead Mueller just made it real hard for Barr to do cover-ups for the president, WHAT A ASSHOLE. Here's Barr's full opening statement.)

House Judiciary Committee chair Jerry Nadler is seeing red over all this, and demanding a copy of Mueller's letter by 10 AM this morning. (UPDATE: It's right here!) He's also demanding that the Department of Justice fucking schedule a time for Robert Mueller himself to testify to the committee, something Mueller is reportedly willing to do, but DoJ is dragging its feet on. (Wonder why. Also, DoJ has a say because Mueller is still technically a DoJ employee, though not for much longer.)

Barr is appearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee today (liveblog to follow in this very post!) and is also scheduled to appear before Nadler's committee on Thursday. (Weird how the Mueller letter leaked last night, timing-wise, don't you think!) But he'll probably chickenshit out of the House hearing, on account of how House Democrats have a well known reputation for asking questions, plus the fact that Nadler wants committee counsel to conduct about half the questioning, which will make it very hard for Barr to refuse to answer the question for 90 percent of each round of questioning, and then lie for the last 10 percent.

WOMP WOMP.

Regardless, shit is getting very real and this fight is just beginning. Shall we watch a hearing together?

Live at 9:30 a.m. ET: Attorney General William Barr testifies before the Senate Judiciary Committee www.youtube.com

10:06: HELLO AND WELCOME! Lindsey Graham begins the hearing, because he gets to, because we live in hell and he is the chairman of this committee. He is extolling the virtues of the Mueller Report and lying about what it says.

Also confirms he did not read the whole thing. (HEY LINDSEY, WE DID, YOU DUMB BASTARD.)

10:08: Graham is bragging on just how goodly Trump and the White House cooperated with the investigation. You know, besides the 200 pages of obstruction of justice Mueller laid out painstakingly in his report.

Also says NO COLLUSION! (That is not what Mueller concluded, and Lindsey Graham is a fucking liar.)

10:10: Another lie from Lindsey Graham. Says Mueller "left it to Barr" to decide the obstruction of justice question. He's lying so much about this that he's literally acting like Mueller wrote "Dear Bill Barr, YOU DECIDE." This is NOT THE FUCK WHAT HAPPENED. He left it to CONGRESS.

These lies are so fucking gross that Brian Williams and Nicolle Wallace literally are voicing over on MSNBC to correct him.

10:12: Graham now pretending there was an equal (and actually more important) investigation into Hillary Clinton, and he's reading Peter Strzok's text messages, oh Jesus, shoot us now.

This is a fucking clown show.

10:14: Bill Barr gets to take a little nap right now because Lindsey Graham is doing the justice obstructing for him.

10:16: Hey are you in the mood for some nice conspiracy theories about Hillary Clinton 's emails that nobody you'd leave your children alone with believes? Lindsey Graham is saying them all right now!

10:18: BUT HER EMAILS!!!!

Now Feinstein takes over, because it was time for Lindsey Graham to shut the fuck up.

10:19: FEINSTEIN: Hello, Bill Barr. The newspaper right now is all about how you are a clownfucking liar. That's all.

10:21: Feinstein now reminding Barr of how the Mueller report actually found that the Trump campaign was positively jizzy about Russian interference, used it to get it ahead, and how Trump campaign chair Paul Manafort was passing Trump polling data on Rust Belt battleground states TO HIS RUSSIAN SPY FRIEND, with the tacit understanding it would be passed to Oleg Deripaska, AKA "Putin's favorite oligarch."

NO COLLUSION, THOUGH.

10:25: FEINSTEIN: Hey, remember all the times in the Mueller Report Trump tried to make Don McGahn fire Robert Mueller, and then tried to make McGahn lie about whether Trump tried to make him fire Mueller, and all the times he dangled pardons in order to obstruct justice? Remember all these things?

NO OBSTRUCTION, THOUGH.

10:27: And now Feinstein is listing all the people who actually didn't cooperate with the investigation, by just "not recalling" the answers to Mueller's questions (Trump did that!) and deleted their text messages and stuff like that. Hey, remember how Wonkette read the whole thing, unlike Lindsey Fucking Graham? All that stuff happened.

10:30: GRAHAM: Attorney General Fuckyap, you promise to lie a lot?

FUCKYAP: Not saying I'm not gonna lie.

10:33: Barr using his opening statement to whine about the format Mueller submitted his report in, because he thinks we're all stupid and don't know Mueller submitted it in a format that executive summaries could easily be handed directly to Congress and the American people. (Seriously, read it for yourself. There are almost no redactions in the executive summaries.)

10:35: BARR: Volume One of the Mueller Report is about collusion.

MUELLER REPORT, VOLUME ONE: Actually, collusion is not a thing.

10:36: Remember the sleight of hand Barr (and dumbfucks like Glenn Greenwald) are pulling. Because Mueller specifically did not find that Trump people conspired with Russia in its two specific election interference activities -- the social media troll farms, and the GRU hacking and dumping of emails through WikiLeaks -- they are using that to broadbrush the entire report as NO COLLUSION.

Of course, this ignores the other 200 pages in the Russian section of the Mueller Report, which is about collusion and coordination and approaches to the Trump team by Russians, many of which the Trumpers hopped on immediately, because they just LOVED it.

Anyway, Barr is now bitching about Mueller not deciding the obstruction question (which is explained above in this post). This meant Barr just HAD TO decide it. (Actually that was Congress's job, motherfucker.)

10:42: Barr now emphasizing that gave Robert Mueller an opportunity to review the four-page mash note of bullshit he sent to Congress and the media, and Mueller said no. BOB'S FAULT NOT BILL'S FAULT!

And he's giving his own version of his call with Mueller. Because we really want to hear this from Bill Barr, as opposed to Bob Mueller, who is not a known liar.

10:45: Opening statement over, no new lies to report.

GRAHAM: Were you surprised Bob Mueller wanted you to decide obstruction?

BARR: Very surprised!

MUELLER: THAT'S NOT WHAT I FUCKING SAID, YOU LIARS.

Shall we just pretend Mueller is there the whole time, since he's not?

10:47: GRAHAM: Tell us how innocent Donald Trump really is.

BARR: There has to be underlying criminality to commit obstruction!

REAL LAWYERS: Nope.

Graham now taking over and quoting Democrats said about James Comey back when he was fuckboning the Hillary emails thing during the election, as if those statements are relevant to whether Trump should have fired Comey in order to obstruct the Russia investigation.

10:50: GRAHAM: Do you believe the same conspiracy theories I believe about FISA warrants and the FBI being rigged for Hillary when it started the Trump Russia investigation?

BARR: Oh, of course! I am your right-wing Fox News-obsessed paste-eating dipshit dad, and you hate me!

Feinstein now taking over questioning.

10:53: FEINSTEIN: Lemme remind you of all the times Trump told Don McGahn to lie about what Trump tried to get McGahn to do to obstruct justice in the Mueller investigation. Is that kind of obstruction illegal?

BARR: Yes.

FEINSTEIN: ...

BARR: But this is different, because reasons!

Now Barr gets to try to make up on the fly a bunch of bullshit pretending he and Rod Rosenstein really struggled with these questions and had legal reasoning that factored into their conclusions, when the reality is just that they were drawing dicks all over the report.

10:57: Wait, is Bill Barr saying Trump didn't instruct Don McGahn to lie? Jesus Christ, Bill Barr, your president might be the dumbest fucking person alive, but the American people aren't.

10:58: Holy shit. Bill Barr wants us to believe that Trump's bullshit arguments that Robert Mueller had "conflicts of interest" -- which were all stupid and made up -- are somehow valid, and that he didn't actually direct McGahn to fire Mueller.

That is simply NOT TRUE. And if it were, then WHY DID DON MCGAHN GO TO THE WHITE HOUSE TO GET HIS SHIT AND PREPARE HIS RESIGNATION LETTER, SO AS NOT TO HAVE TO CARRY OUT TRUMP'S ILLEGAL REQUEST?

This day is going to go down in history as the day the president got a tongue-bath in the Oval Office FROM A GUY SITTING IN THE CAPITOL, HOW IS THAT EVEN SCIENTIFICALLY POSSIBLE?

Ugh.

Anyway, Chuck Grassley takes over, and the first thing out of his mouth is about Peter Strzok's text messages.

GRASSLEY: Are you investigating made-up consipracy theories about people spying on the Trump campaign?

BARR: Oh yes, sir! I am your Fox News-obsessed dipshit dad, and you hate me!

GRASSLEY: Fusion GPS Hillary Clinton Deep State Steele Dossier! Democrats used sources in Russia to find out about Trump's conspiracies with Russia! WHO IS THE REAL COLLUSION HERE?

11:04: Basically Chuck Grassley is asking if Mueller investigated whether the Steele Dossier itself was part of Russia's interference campaign with the election. (Which would be weird, since it was only released two months after Trump was "elected," and only then because BuzzFeed released it.)

11:06: Bill Barr just literally had his hand like this and he was moving it back and forth like he was doing the universal sign for "blowjob," which would totally make sense as a thing to do while Chuck Grassley is asking questions, but no, he was just scratching his gross face body.

11:10: Pat Leahy takes over, can we just skip to Kamala Harris yelling at Barr? We are so bored with Bill Barr's bullshit, because he is not good at bullshitting AT ALL.

LEAHY: Why did you say, TWO WEEKS after Mueller told you he was pissed, that you didn't know how Mueller felt about your conclusions? Isn't that what preschoolers would call LIES?

BARR: It's not lying if I do it to protect the president who is blameless and has the face of an angel.

11:15: LEAHY: If the president is committing obstruction crimes, is that really cooperating with an investigation?

BARR: My job is to do cover-ups and not answer your questions, what was the question?

LEAHY: What about how receptive Trump and his people were to Russian help?

BARR? What do you mean by "receptive"? (That is an actual quote, not a joke quote.)

Barr also literally said a minute ago that he knew Bob Mueller wanted to share more info with Congress and the public, but that wasn't his "purpose."

11:17: GOP Senator John Cornyn takes over, so we'll be talking about Hillary's emails. Cornyn pretends FOR REAL that part of why Trump fired James Comey was because of Rod Rosenstein's bullshit memo about Comey's mishandling of the Hillary emails investigation. Do you know how stupid you have to be to believe that? As stupid as John Cornyn is.

11:19: CORNYN: Why didn't BARACK OBAMA do anything about Russia?

BARR: Well I just don't know!

BRIAN WILLIAMS, CUTTING IN ON MSNBC: Sorry, we gotta factcheck some shit.

NICOLLE WALLACE: "Bill Barr is lying." About literally all of it.

MSNBC is just fact-checking by reading Mueller's report. This is pretty amazing, that this is happening this way.

11:21: NICOLLE WALLACE: "We have an attorney general who is lying about what's in the Mueller report." He is LYING. TO CONGRESS. RIGHT NOW.

Also Lindsey Graham said "fucking" on TV and Nicolle Wallace just said "crazy shit," because one of the things Barr lied about is how Don McGahn threatened to resign because Trump was trying to get him to do illegal "crazy shit" in service of him.

This will not be the last time MSNBC cuts in to call Bill Barr a liar in real time.

11:25: Dick Durbin takes over the questioning, starts by making fun of the Republicans starting the LOCK HER UP shit over Hillary's emails. Jokes that maybe we should also talk about Travelgate and Filegate.

But anyway, his point is that Bill Barr is a fucking hack who's doing the world's stupidest cover-up for Trump.

11:27: DURBIN: REALLY? You are so much of a fucking idiot that when you told Congress on April 10 that you "didn't know" how Mueller felt about your conclusions about his report, you just DIDN'T REMEMBER that he was so pissed that he sent you a letter?

BARR: Derp, derp, derp, derp, stutter, stutter, fart, belch, WORDS!

11:29: Dumbass gettin' MAD.

11:31: DURBIN: Hey, should Don McGahn come and testify to the committee?

BARR: No way! Executive privilege!

DURBIN: Actually nope, that is not how that works. (You all know the White House counsel doesn't have the same privilege protections as the president's personal lawyer, right?)

BARR: No way, esssssecutive privilege!

DURBIN: Oh fuck it, guess we should investigate Hillary's emails.

GRAHAM: "We might do that!" (Actual quote.)

11:36: Mike Lee, spreadin' conspiracy theories.

LEE: The fake news Mueller Report and all credible reporting says the Trump Russia investigation started when George Papadopoulos jizzed foreign intel about Russian Hillary dirt all over an Australian diplomat, but none of us brain wizards believe that, because we are brain wizards. You don't believe it either, do you?

BARR: "That is the account that has been given." (In other words, he doesn't like saying the truth out loud with his mouth.)

Mike Lee saying some other shit about Carter Page's FISA warrants, we don't know. We will never understand why Republicans want to die on the hill of protecting Carter Page.

11:41: And now Sheldon Whitehouse takes over. (And after this we get a BREAK!)

WHITEHOUSE: When did you learn the news had the stories about the letter from Robert Mueller you've been trying to conceal?

BARR: I don't know? Yesterday? It was so long ago!

WHITEHOUSE: And you made the letter public ...

BARR: I don't know? Today? It was so long ago!

WHITEHOUSE: Could you have made that letter public when you were lying about it to congressmen asking about how Mueller felt about your conclusions and related subjects?

BARR: Related subjects? How could I even know what is related?

WHITEHOUSE: "That is some masterful hair-splitting."

11:44: Whitehouse now yelling at Barr for "hair-splitting" over whether his mash note to Congress and subsequent statements clearing Trump amounted to a "summary" of the Mueller report. BILL BARR HATES IT WHEN YOU CALL IT A SUMMARY.

11:45: WHITEHOUSE: Do you concede that the opinion of the Office of Legal Counsel on indicting sitting presidents is just an opinion, and that actually the judicial branch makes those decisions?

BARR: Um I guess I have to, but I don't wanna.

LOL and now Barr wants to know why the OLC memo is "relevant to my decisions." Bill Barr isn't relying on DoJ standards and practices here! He is doing cover-ups for the president, Sheldon!

11:49: And finally, Bill Barr wants to tell us that "spying" is a "good English word" for him to use when he makes up bullshit lies about people improperly "spying" on the Trump campaign.

AND WE ARE ON A BREAK!

12:50: And we're just about back! So far we have learned that it's OK for the president to commit obstruction of justice to protect himself by having the special counsel fired, as long as he says the magic word "CONFLICTS." This even applies if every person you have ever met says the "CONFLICTS" are "LOL" and "SOMETHING THE PRESIDENT PULLED OUT OF HIS ASS." (They are.)

Also we have learned that crime is generally an OK thing to commit, as long as Donald Trump does it.

12:57: Oh good, we are going to start with that dumbfuck John Kennedy from Louisiana, because he's always good for a moron podunk expression that would make Jeff Sessions cast an awkward glance like "who is this redneck ..."

12:58: KENNEDY: Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal lord and Savior? Is the Mueller team still upset with you? Have you ever seen a grown man naked?

1:02: Barr is so full of shit right now, acting like if he released Mueller's summaries, he'd have to do it "piecemeal" and in an incomplete way. THEY WERE WRITTEN FOR PUBLIC CONSUMPTION, FUCKFACE.

1:03: KENNEDY: Why did Mueller reach no conclusion on obstruction?

BARR: We just don't know.

MUELLER: I wrote it in the fucking report! I. WROTE. IT. IN. THE. FUCKING. REPORT!

1:05: Oh thank god, Amy Klobuchar is here to get us back on track. (We're in the fun part now, because all the people running for president are in the second half.)

KLOBUCHAR: Your summary is a summary. We don't give a fuck about your splitting hairs about that.

BARR: ...

KLOBUCHAR: Did you know the White House was blocking my and Senator Lankford's bill to protect elections going into America's future?

BARR: No.

KLOBUCHAR: Will you fucking do something to help us? It's bipartisan. Even that mouth hole Lindsey Graham is sponsoring it.

BARR: ...

1:09: Ooh boy, Klobuchar just wants to nail Barr on what exactly the hell he's going to do to prevent a redux of 2016, by which she means ALL THE SHIT RUSSIA DID FOR DONALD TRUMP TO GET HIM ELECTED.

He is very non-committal. He is cool with the "concepts," but he is just not sure about the specifics. Also, he does not recall.

1:10: And now she nails him on how HE TOLD HER DURING HIS CONFIRMATION HEARINGS that for the president to convince witnesses to change their testimony would be a crime, and citing chapter and verse from the Mueller Report on how Trump did that.

Barr says this is different, because reasons.

"If you stay on message, the president will have your back." (Trump, to Cohen.)

Trump said Manafort was a "brave man" for not flipping.

Barr says that's not obstruction, because Trump thinks flipping means "lying," and therefore he is too stupid to obstruct justice, we think, is what the attorney general is saying?

1:13: KLOBUCHAR: How can you possibly look us in the face and say Trump telling Don McGahn to create a false record on whether Trump ordered him to fire Mueller is not obstruction?

BARR: Donald Trump did not say the magic words "YOU'RE FIRED!"

KLOBUCHAR: Sorry, sir, I am looking at this as a lawyer. Guess you're not.

1:17: Let's see if Ben Sasse is going to be serious, or if he's just going to be a GOP moron.

SASSE: Tell me about Oleg Deripaska.

BARR: I'd rather not! At least not in public!

SASSE: OK I will tell you. Here are his crimes, according to our own government. He is a "bottom-feeding scum-sucker." (Yes, those are Ben Sasse's Nebraska Naughty Names for Deripaska!)

BARR: ...

SASSE: Also he is America's enemy. Oh yeah, also that guy was Paul Manafort's boss! And Paul Manafort just cold volunteered to run Trump's campaign for free! Is that all cool? Is it just great when foreign intelligence services openly campaign for American candidates like your boss?

BARR: I don't recall.

Oh my god, for real, Bill Barr has ZERO COMMENTS on this issue, no thoughts, no musings, no opinions on whether it will be cool for Russia to ratfuck 2020 for Trump. This is unbelievable.

And Ben Sasse is actually asking good questions! He really wants to talk about how to actually protect elections, and he sounds like he's starting to think about things Mueller found in his investigation that should be illegal. We are, for once, marginally impressed!

1:25: Ben Sasse says you don't need bars and hookers to interfere with elections in Murica no more! Lindsey Graham says they'll have hearings on all the stuff Ben Sasse said, except for bars and hookers. (THERE HE GOES, PROTECTING TRUMP AGAIN.)

1:26: Chris Coons takes over, reminds Bill Barr that the Mueller Report repeatedly details Trump trying to get Robert Mueller fired WITHOUT CAUSE. As in "Mueller wanted to quit the Trump golf club and asked one time for a partial refund" is not CAUSE.

Now he's reading Barr the Mueller report, talking about Trump calling Don McGahn at home twice, talking about how LITERALLY EVERYBODY told Trump all his "conflicts" were fucking stupid. BUT YET TRUMP PERSISTED. There is literally no interpretation of this besides Trump improperly trying to fire Mueller.

Except Bill Barr's interpretation!

COONS: You didn't release any of this in your summary.

BARR: DUHHHHHHHH DURRRRR NOT A SUMMARY!

COON: You could have released those other summaries. You know, the ones Mueller wrote, the ones that aren't lies.

BARR: DUHHHHHHH DURRR MY JOB IS TO BE A POOR MAN'S ROY COHN FOR DONALD TRUMP!

1:31: May we remind you exactly the evidence Mueller found on obstruction, since Bill Barr is obsessed with saying Mueller presented "both sides." Because we read the whole thing (honestly Bill Barr may not have, now that we think about it), and most of Mueller's evidence was against Trump. Here is a color-coded chart of Mueller's evidence, where the red bars mean "GO TO JAIL."

1:32: COONS: If a foreign government or intelligence service offers a candidate dirt on their opponent, should they tell the FBI, or should they say "IF IT'S WHAT YOU SAY I LOVE IT," like Donald Trump Jr. did?

BARR: I guess the FBI thing.

1:34: Newbie fucking idiot Josh Hawley from Missouri starts out by characterizing what happened in 2016 as "spying" on the Trump campaign. Fucker is Louie Gohmert with hair.

Now is making random accusations of FBI officials hiding investigations into Trump from their superiors. We have absolutely zero fucking idea what he is talking about, but then again, Josh Hawley doesn't either.

1:36: HAWLEY: Would you agree that the 25th Amendment is totally not in the Constitution if it hurts Donald Trump's feelings?

BARR: More or less, sure why not.

1:37: Josh Hawley says the real reason there was a Trump Russia investigation is because Peter Strzok texted that he could "smell" Trump supporters in the Wal-Mart. Is he denying that Peter Strzok could smell gross Trump people?

1:39: Dick Blumenthal hits it out of the park. Says to Barr, "History will judge you harshly," but says that's kind of unfair because it's pretty obvious he was set up to be the fall guy here.

1:43: BLUMENTHAL: Can we really trust you to oversee all those other investigations Mueller spun off, the redacted ones that are ongoing?

BARR: I don't recall!

Jesus.

1:45: BLUMENTHAL: Will you just go ahead and recuse yourself from those investigations, since you are obviously CONFLICTED?

BARR: [angrily] No!

Fucking asshole. Says he doesn't think he's been having improper conversations with anyone about those investigations, but he can't be sure, can he? That would require him remembering stuff, and Bill Barr does not do that.

1:48: Bill Barr is "not in the business" of knowing if Trump is lying to the American people. He is in the business of cover-ups.

1:48: OH HO HO, Bill Barr just said he DID NOT EXONERATE TRUMP! Hey Dems, put that in some ads!

Also, Nicolle Wallace making a very similar point to one we made just above:

1:49: Joni Ernst begins by thanking Bill Barr for coming over to visit today. That's what's happenin', they're just visitin'. So folksy! (Yes she said that.)

She specifically wants to "visit with him" about what Russia did in 2016, and then look ahead to 2020. IT'LL BE A NICE VISIT!

1:51: Annnnnnnnd MSNBC is bored with Ernst, just cut in to call some more bullshit on Barr.

1:57: WHOA, MAZIE HIRONO GUNS BLAZIN'.

Says Barr is no different from Rudy Giuliani or Kellyanne Conway in seling his soul to the "grifter-in-chief." Is reading him for filth about how he auditioned for the job with an unsolicited 17-page memo, and then refused to recuse himself from the investigation.

"You let the president's personal lawyers look at [the Mueller Report] before you DEIGNED to let Congress ... see it."

"Thanks to a free press," we know about Mueller's letter, the one Barr tried to conceal from the country.

Pretty sure the question Hirono is winding up to is "WHY SHOULDN'T I PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE RIGHT NOW?"

1:59: Oh damn, and she FINALLY SAID IT. "You lied to Congress. And now WE KNOW."

2:01: Finishes her monologue by saying Barr has betrayed Americans' trust, and should RESIGN.

Oh yeah, and now she has questions.

2:02: HIRONO: Is it cool for the president to fire the FBI director to stop an investigation into himself?

BARR: I will not answer this question.

HIRONO: Is it cool for the president to ask his White House counsel to lie? We already get that you believe the president can't commit crimes. Also you aren't answering. And is it cool for the president to dangle pardons or threaten the families of people who testify against him?

"Give us some credit for knowing what the hell is going on here!" said Hirono.

Ooh, and now Lindsey Graham is ALL MAD saying Hirono "SLANDERED THIS MAN FROM TOP TO BOTTOM!"

LOL that shit was GREAT.

And now Marsha Blackburn will take a country-fried shit all over the Senate.

2:06: As commenter "Me Not Sure" points out, Hirono did not say "Aloha" even one time during that questioning. That means SHIT IS REAL.

2:08: MARSHA BLACKBURN: Mueller's investigators were awesome. Do you agree?

BARR: Maybe not the ones I woulda picked.

Oh come on, Bill Barr, she's trying to set you up to say "NO COLLUSION," oh just kidding, she got him to say "NO COLLUSION" anyway.

2:09: BARR: The evidence now is that Trump was "falsely accused." Oh fuck you, you dumb shithole. That is not what happened.

Also Marsha Blackburn says she is speaking for "Tennesseans" right now. This Tennessean would like to go on the record that Tennesseans who have never dated a close relative don't say what she is saying.

2:12: Cory Booker's turn. (That means it is almost OVER!) (It also means Kamala Harris is soon to kick ass!)

2:14: Cory Booker, you are boring us. It is hard to follow Mazie Hirono right now, though, we understand.

He's talking about how Bill Barr is totally normalizing things liike PAUL MANAFORT GIVING SECRET POLLING DATA TO A RUSSIAN SPY TO GIVE IT TO PUTIN'S FAVORITE OLIGARCH, though, so it's kind of important.

2:16: Barr is now lying saying that Trump and his campaign did not "seek to benefit" from the Russian influence and hacking campaign. That is not what the Mueller Report says.

It's also not what we witnessed with our own eyes and ears, RUSSIA, IF YOU'RE LISTENING!

2:17: OK, yeah, we are pretty sure Bill Barr hasn't read the Mueller Report, just like we said and just like Nicolle Wallace said. Either that or he's just senile.

2:19: OH MY GOD, BARR WON'T EVEN ADMIT THAT PAUL MANAFORT SHARED POLLING DATA WITH HIS RUSSIAN SPY FRIEND.

THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

2:24: Thom Tillis has been asking questions and saying dumb shit about how Peter Strzok should be under investigation, blah blah blah, we got bored. Republican dumbfucks all sound like Republican dumbfucks, studies show.

2:26: KAMALA!

HARRIS: Has the president or anybody else in the White House asked you to open an investigation, or not?

BARR: ...

HARRIS: Seems like you would remember.

BARR: ...

HARRIS: Suggested? Inferred?

BARR: I will say that ...

HARRIS: I am asking a new question now, asshole. Did you and your team review the evidence?

BARR: No I accepted the report's evidence.

HARRIS: Which is funny since your conclusions are quite different from the report's conclusions!

2:30: HARRIS: When you said the decision on whether to charge Trump was "your baby," what did you mean by "your baby"?

HE DID SAY THAT.

2:31: HARRIS: "I think you've made it clear that you haven't looked at the evidence."

Now is nailing him on whether he's consulted with career DoJ people on whether he should recuse himself from the 14 investigations Mueller spun off. He is VERY TICKY about thatT

"I think the American people have seen quite well that you are biased in this situation."

2:33: Harris has some issues here with Rod Rosenstein helping make a charging decision on a case HE WAS A WITNESS IN. Had he been cleared by the ethics officials at DoJ? Barr cannot seem to answer this question. And that right there above was his face.

BARR: That's the deputy attorney general's job!

HARRIS: To be a witness AND make a charging decision?

2:39: Mike Crapo is asking a lot of questions in a monotone, dunno, got bored, walked away from the computer for a minute.

2:40: Also he has a stupid face.

Blah blah, Crapo, blah blah, something about leaks, blah blah blah.

2:41: Crapo just outright lied and said the Steele Dossier served as the "foundation" for the Carter Page FISA warrant. HE HAD BEEN ON THE FBI'S RADAR FOR FUCKING YEARS AS A RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE TARGET. (A really dumb one.)

Ted Cruz then opened his questioning by saying Barr is getting the "Kavanaugh treatment." Which ... wait. Has Barr been credibly accused of sexual assault?

Cruz then said the Democrats have refused to talk about Russia today. For a counterpoint, see this entire liveblog you are in right now, or just watch the hearing for yourself, because Ted Cruz is a full of shit liar.

2:46: Ted Cruz got a giggle out of Bill Barr. Musta made a really good joke about forlornly masturbating into empty soup cans or something, because we are pretty sure that is what Ted Cruz jokes about.

2:48: Ted Cruz thinks the OBAMA Justice Department was "weaponized" to "go after its political opponents." Yes he said that.

2:49: Cruz also asserts that the Trump campaign was under "surveillance" and asks Barr when that started. Barr says he thinks July of 2016. That is actually not what happened, but OK, whatever, lies.

Oh Jesus Christ, there is going to be a second round of questions, holy shit please stop, we have heard enough.

2:52: PAT LEAHY: Will Barr commit not to interfere with ongoing investigations spun off by Mueller, including those in the SDNY where Trump is listed as "Individual-1"?

BARR: "I will supervise them as attorney general."

PAT LEAHY: Not what I asked, motherfucker!

Also Barr just lied and said Mueller specifically DIDN'T want Congress to determine the obstruction of justice question, which is absolute bullshit IF YOU READ THE MUELLER REPORT.

This fucking asshole.

2:56: And then Bill Barr just said (AGAIN!) that Trump was "falsely accused," which is why all his obstruction of justice is OK.

3:00: Oh, and now in questioning from Sheldon Whitehouse, Barr admits that actually Mueller never said he intended to "leave to me" the question of whether Trump obstructed justice.

3:05: KLOBUCHAR: Trump said some dumb shit about how Mueller "checked" his taxes and "checked" his financials and found them to be just awesome. Was that some bullshit?

BARR: I dunno.

KLOBUCHAR: Lemme read you some more Mueller Report on obstruction, so you can tell us some more about how crime is great when Trump commits it.

BARR: If Trump can't commit crime, who can, Amy? Tell me WHO!

(Not remotely what he said, we are getting slaphappy.)

3:08: KLOBUCHAR: Can you literally look me in the face and say that Trump's actions in the Mueller Report are consistent with his oath of office? Seriously?

BARR: There's too many different evidences in the report for me to say!

Also, he made her repeat the question, because one of his favorite stonewalling tactics, we have noticed, is pretending he doesn't understand the question so the senator has to waste their time re-asking questions.

3:13: Holy fuck, this conversation with Dick Blumenthal!

First Blumenthal hit Barr for constantly claiming that Robert Mueller's letter was ONLY complaining about the media coverage of his report, as opposed to Barr's handling of it. Barr tried to say it again. Blumenthal noted that Mueller's letter DID NOT MENTION THE FUCKING MEDIA COVERAGE.

And then!

BLUMENTHAL: This is pretty remarkable. "A career prosecutor rebuking the attorney general of the United States."

TO WHICH BARR RPLIED, "I don't consider Bob a career prosecutor ... he had a career ..." and some other shit.

AND THEN HE SAID, ABOUT BOB MUELLER'S LETTER:

"The letter's a bit snitty. It was probably written by one of his staff people."

THE FUCK? Bill Barr is complaining about Mueller's "snitty letter"?

Finally, Blumenthal asked if they could see Barr or his staff's notes on his conversations wtih Mueller, and he said no. Why? "Why should you have them," replied Barr.

And then Lindsey Graham just abruptly ended the hearing.

THE FUCK?

3:33: Anyway, it is over now. And it was stunning. If Wonkette's liveblogs get you through this shit, please support us financially by clicking below, as we are 100 percent funded by you. IF YOU LOVE WONKETTE, SUPPORT WONKETTE.

Goodbye!

[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

Which is not to say that real roadrunners are the least bit disappointing, as animals go, because they're freaking incredible. Yes, even if they don't actually leave lines of flame down the center line of desert highways and go "Meep! Meep!" But they can sprint up to 20 miles per hour, which is faster than you, albeit slower than a real coyote's top speed. Also, yes, real coyotes are among the predators what eat roadrunners, which is why the wily birds adopted the evolutionary strategy of running right through fake tunnels coyotes paint on the sides of mountains.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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