Hey Bill Barr, Wanna Read Rudy's Dirrrty Ukraine Fantasy Novel?

There will come a day when we will not be forced to write about that lunatic Rudy Giuiani every seven hours. We can go back to blessed ignorance on the vagaries of Ukrainian transliteration. Two Ys? An I and a Y? Won't be our problem! We'll forget the name of that One America News hostess who looked straight into the camera and claimed that she and Rudy Giuliani were being menaced by George Soros himself, because the nonagenarian billionaire has nothing better to do than fly to Europe and follow Chanel fucking Rion around. One day Rudy and the hairball lawyers will go to jail, or to hell, or to Moscow, never to be thought of again.

Sadly that day is not today. Because today, like every other day for the past three years, is CRIME TIME. Here's Rudy Giuliani, reporting for CRIME DUTY at the White House.

Lay it on us, Wall Street Journal! What's Rudy up to now?

When he returned to New York on Saturday, the president called him as his plane was still taxiing down the runway, Mr. Giuliani said. "'What did you get?'" he said Mr. Trump asked. "More than you can imagine," Mr. Giuliani replied. He is putting his findings into a 20-page report.

Cool. At the very moment when Donald Trump is getting impeached for seeking Ukrainian electoral interference, his personal lawyer has arrived at the White House to update him on his progress getting Ukraine to interfere in our elections. And in case Rudy's latest idiotic scheme fell out of your brain, it involves American investment behemoth Franklin Templeton taking $7 billion of stolen money from the former Ukrainian president, using it to buy an equivalent quantity of Ukrainian government bonds, somethingsomething Hunter Biden $16 million, the Ukraine bonds getting cashed out in 2017, and now Adam Schiff has Franklin Templeton Mutual Funds, GOTCHA!

And Rudy knows it's true, because he heard it from this guy.

Sadly, Rudy is without his chucklefuck "translators" on this trip, since Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman got arrested and can't leave the country.

In pressing ahead on Ukraine, Mr. Giuliani has replaced the translation skills of Messrs. Parnas and Fruman with an app he downloaded that allows him to read Russian documents by holding his phone over them. But on his recent trip, he said, "despite whatever else you can say, I missed them."

But don't worry, Rudy's been checking in regularly with the chucklefucks' lawyers and "said he has spoken to one of the men with a lawyer present, but declined to identify which." This will no doubt impress the prosecutors at SDNY, who are going over Rudy's business dealings with a fine tooth comb looking for FARA violations.

But Rudy is too busy to worry about that now that he's shooting a documentary on Burisma and "the Bidens" with OANN, starring the shadiest cast of lowlifes he could scare up in Ukraine.

"Just having fun while Dems and friends try to destroy my brilliant career," Mr. Giuliani wrote in a text message during his trip, which he described as a "secret assignment."

Mr. Giuliani said he also has expanded his search for information about Burisma beyond Ukraine to Latvia, where the gas company had bank accounts, and Cyprus, where it is registered.


Rudy hopes to get the Justice Department to initiate a joint investigation with Ukrainian law enforcement of Joe Biden's non-existent corruption in Ukraine. After Trump talked to Rudy on the tarmac, by phone, he announced that his personal lawyer would be presenting his findings to the Justice Department and Congress this week. But even Bill Barr has his limits, ALLEGEDLY. So if Rudy can't get the Justice Department to LOCK HER UP Adam Schiff for having a mutual fund, then he'll have to rely on the Ukrainians to carry out his smears.

In Kyiv, Mr. Giuliani met with a member of Ukraine's parliament to discuss the creation of a group called "Friends of Ukraine STOP Corruption."

Awesome! Hey, want to throw in some raging corruption on this side of the Atlantic? Maybe a little influence peddling by the president's free lawyer?

During the heat of the Mueller investigation, Mr. Giuliani frequently visited the White House, usually meeting with the president weekly, sometimes alone, and often in the evenings in the residence without other White House officials present, former administration officials said.

Meetings would start out discussing the Mueller probe and then veer into other subjects, like Ukraine, one of the former officials said. Mr. Giuliani often brought lists of requests for the president, according to the former official, and sought out meetings at the State Department and other agencies on behalf of clients.


We're done here. There is literally nothing else to say that wouldn't get us a visit from the secret service. Wonkette out.


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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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