Hey Buddy, Can You Spare A Hundred Dimes?
Every month, part of my job as the proprietress of Wonkette is to beg you for money; we're not non-profit, but we are entirely reader-funded, and with the near (or more than!) million astute and good-looking readers who come by these parts each month, that's generally a large enough virtual village to crowdfund staff salaries, healthcare, and pixels. When our bank account is a little flush, I don't like to make like a common evangelical preacher and howl that I'll die without your love gifts for my private plane. I'm always like "eh, we're pretty okay this month, please send us money anyway," and then you mostly don't. I mean, that's entirely fair! Well luckily, now we're fairly broke!
A little over a year ago, I hired two extra writers full-time, SER and Robyn, even though my husband Shy was concerned that perhaps I was hiring more folks than I could strictly afford. But I knew, as has happened ever since I bought this bitch nine years ago next month, God and the Wonkers would provide! And for over a year, you absolutely did! I figured if the money didn't come through, I would go into (some more) debt, so what who cares, if Donald Trump can live in solid gold mansions on other people's many, many dimes, I could whip out my credit card to pay the people we'd need to help us live through this.
Well, I never did have to put staff salaries on my Visa. You sent us cash, and we paid our bills and payroll just fine, and we did, in fact, live through it. Welcome to the other side! The grass is greener here, just under a few inches of snow.
What ain't greener? MY PAYROLL ACCOUNT! It is ... red? Black? Whichever's the bad one.
IN NO WISE should you feel bad if you were one of the people who canceled your Wonkette donation after a shade of normalcy finally returned to our country, if you no longer needed us so much to get through the day and found yourself not showing up here for a while. And if you are having a hard time in the pandemic economy, you are not even ALLOWED to give me money! That money? No good here! Put it back in your pants!
If you're already giving us money, and you have extra and you want to, I will permit you to give me some! But mostly, if you are one of the — holy hell! 1,118,895 minus 4310! — 1,114,585 people who swung by last month and didn't happen to donate ... well, let's math that out. Let's say half of you chuckled at least once, instead of immediately smashing closed our disgusting website. And let's say half of those people who didn't immediately smash closed our disgusting tab do have a spare fin or tenspot. And let's say that they gave $2 each, because what even is $2. That would be $557,292. Oh my god, people, start giving me money!
Because if there is another woman-owned independent liberal news and politics site that keeps you informed AND makes you laugh AND made you not off yourself for four. long. years AND refuses to have ads OR a paywall AND puts your money where its commie mouth is, paying its staff the same as the owner, besides Wonkette, I am not aware of it. And I am aware of EVERYTHING.
I figure for a lot of you, the issue isn't the $2 or $10 or $100 (and if you don't have $2, we, like Jesus, love you the most), the issue is "getting out the credit card which is all the way over there." I also hate getting out my credit card which is all the way over there! Ugh, it is so far away, all the way over there! SO RUDE!
Get up. Go get the wallet. Take out the card. Give me the money. You will feel grand and beneficent! You will keep the news going and a light in the world! You will know that YOU are a part of a movement on the Group W bench or something like that, I don't know, "Alice's Restaurant" references are mostly Dok's beat. You will know that YOU kept smart, excellent writers like Evan and Liz and Jamie and Michael employed, plus posts by occasional nerd guest stars, while keeping yourself well-educated on all the important gubmint stuff going on in our little slice of the world because you're not a goddamn know-nothing MO-RON.
See that widget below? Click an amount. Click "monthly" if you can. Then click either Paypal or Stripe. If you're reading this on Smartnews, I'm not sure that widget below even exists! You can click through here and find the widget on the right. And as always, we love olds with checkbooks, made out to Wonkette, PO Box 361, Polson MT 59860.
You know, and I mean this: ONLY if you are able.
This post will stay up top until I can't stand no more. We love you.
Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.