Are you a concerned citizen who hates what Donald Trump is doing to this country and wishes he would just resign already? Do you wish you could tell him that personally? Well, apparently you can! All you have to do is call the White House and pretend to be "New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez," and they'll patch you right through to Air Force One or Trump's upstairs White House Executive Time Bathrobe Dungeon, or wherever he happens to be at the time.

Once you are on the phone with him, Donald Trump will have NO FUCKING IDEA you are not New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez. The reason for this is that the president of the United States is a moron of monumental proportions.


A comedian named John Melendez, who has a podcast called "The Stuttering John," was able to prank his way through the White House switchboard, through Jared Kushner, all the way to speaking directly to Trump as he traveled back from his North Dakota rally this week on Air Force One. To do so, Melendez pretended to be Bob Menendez, a known Democrat, and you can hear the entire phone call right here. (Skip to the one hour and ten minute mark for the conversation, start about an hour in for their leadup conversation, as Melendez and his co-host discuss how it all went down.)

Melendez acknowledges how insane his ruse was, especially because he was calling from an unblocked number that clearly was not Bob Menendez. Upon getting on the phone with FUCKING JARED, who got his security clearance back for OBVIOUS REASONS CLEARLY WHY WOULDN'T HE HAVE A SECURITY CLEARANCE, Melendez explained that he was Bob Menendez from New Jersey, and he wanted to make a deal with Trump on immigration. Jared was like "OK!" (This is how the Middle East peace deal will be done, also.) The entire process, from the White House to Jared to Trump, took THREE PHONE CALLS.

And people are skeptical that Russia was able to turn Trump into an asset, LOLOLOL. Just pick up the phone, apparently!

Here are some things Donald Trump said to "Bob Menendez":

HI BOB!

HOW ARE YOU? CONGRATULATIONS ON EVERYTHING, WE'RE PROUD OF YOU! CONGRATULATIONS, GREAT JOB! YOU WENT THROUGH A TOUGH, TOUGH SITUATION, AND I DON'T THINK A VERY FAIR SITUATION, BUT CONGRATULATIONS! [Menendez was acquitted of crimes back in January. Trump likes people who get acquitted of crimes.]

WELL I HAVEN'T LOOKED, I MEAN I HAVE A LIST OF PEOPLE, I HAVE A BIG LIST OF PEOPLE, BOB, AND WE'LL TAKE A LOOK AT IT, AND WE'RE GOING TO MAKE A DECISION, I'LL PROBABLY MAKE IT OVER THE NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS. [This was about nominating Kennedy's replacement on the Supreme Court.]

YOU TAKE CARE, I WILL SPEAK TO YOU SOON, BOB, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!

Oh good heavenly holy fucking shit. Leader of the free world, take a bow!

Remember how horrified/tickled we were when we found out how easy it was to prank Trump's idiot former lawyers? This one is worse, we think! What's even more horrifying/tickling about this, besides how it increases our knowledge of Trump's stupidity and the sheer incompetence of everyone around him, is that Trump and John Melendez were both regulars on Howard Stern AT THE SAME TIME. As in, Trump was talking to A DUDE HE KNOWS, whom he's hung out with MULTIPLE TIMES! Sure, he doesn't talk to this guy often, so he might not have registered the voice immediately, but we can't imagine that's all that different from what happens when Donald Trump Jr. calls.

(HAHAHAHA WE JEST. Junior is not allowed to call the White House. Allegedly.)

Oh well, we definitely don't advocate anyone trying this at home, because Donald Trump is just very busy destroying our alliances and hurting babies at the border and tweeting misspelled words and eating Big Macs, and you wouldn't want to bother him.

However, our headline question, about whether Trump's refrigerator is running, stands unanswered. Also, if somebody ends up ordering one million pizzas to the White House residence, please have Barack Obama put a "wire tapp" on the delivery driver, because this is just shit America needs to see.

And now it is your OPEN THREAD!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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