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On Thursday, we were able to read the parts of the FBI warrant on Michael Cohen's house/office/hotel/playpen about the illegal campaign finance crime scheme he carried out, at the direction of Donald Trump, in order to make sure two women Trump had affairs with would keep their mouths shut about that, in order to benefit Trump electorally. And though the investigation is now closed (under curious circumstances), we were able to determine that it's at least possible that more people than just Michael Cohen should go to prison for this shit, since the evidence in the warrant suggests that he was a pretty equal player in the scheme, even if he was the point man between Trump and all the other players.

One person who came off looking extra bad? Hope Hicks. One person who, based on the evidence, seems like she may have told some of the slightest, most innocent wee not-so-bad WHITE LIES to Congress about her knowledge of the booby peener porn payoff crimes? Also Hope Hicks!

House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler is PISSED. Nadler fired off a letter to Hicks saying, hey, Hopey, here are a shitfuckington of times it looks like you lied to Congress in your recent testimony. Care to come back and clarify, by which we mean this is your chance to come back and tell the truth this time, before we criminally refer you for lying to Congress?


Of course, Nadler referred her to the transcript. For instance:

  • When Rep. Steve Cohen asked Hicks if she had any knowledge of booby peener porn payoffs to either Stormy Daniels or Karen McDougal, she said, "I don't have any direct knowledge."
  • When committee counsel asked the same question, Hicks gave the same answer. (Sounds like maybe "direct" is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that answer maybe?)
  • When Rep. Sheila Jackson-Lee asked if Hicks was ever "present when Trump and Cohen discussed Stormy Daniels," Hicks said, "No ma'am." Of course, according to the warrants, Cohen and Trump and Hicks got on the phone the night of October 8, after the "Access Hollywood" tape came out, when Trump and Cohen were also aware Daniels was talking about going public with her story. After that, Michael Cohen appears to have flown into action calling the National Enquirer boys at AMI, in order to start coordinating a booby peener porn payoff with Keith Davidson, who was repping both Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal, who had an agreement with AMI to keep her mouth shut in exchange for goodies AMI was able to provide.

And so on and so forth.

Hope Hicks, through her lawyer, has responded and said that the Cohen warrant is wrong, or that it is just a SUPER CRAZY COINCIDENCE that she participated in all of these games of phone tag and telephone and gotcha last at the very same times Michael Cohen and Donald Trump and David Pecker and Keith Davidson and Dylan Howard were discussing committing campaign finance crimes in order to protect Trump's election chances from saucy women telling bar-room stories about Trump's Yeti Peen.

Here's that statement:

And to be fair, it's certainly possible that this was all just a huge misunderstanding. Maybe every time the subject of porn payoffs came up, it reminded Michael Cohen that he should call literally everybody involved in the porn payoffs, sometimes going through Trump's trusty assistant Hope Hicks, just to share a positive saying from his Positive Saying Of The Day calendar. Maybe that's just one of the non-crimey things Michael Cohen spent his days doing in October of 2016. If so, what a total mensch he is!

Maybe it is a coincidence that on the night of October 8, the day after the "Access Hollywood" tape came out, Hicks and Trump got on the phone with Cohen, right before Cohen started the booby peener porn payoff project in earnest.

And maybe in November of 2016, when the Wall Street Journal story about Karen McDougal was about to come out, and Keith Davidson and the AMI boys and Cohen were trying to stop it from coming out, and Trump was "pissed," and everybody else was pissed, MAYBE Hicks didn't know there was an "arrangement" between AMI and McDougal. Maybe Cohen and Hicks incessantly texted after the story was published, excited because the story wasn't gaining much media traction, because they're just total gossips. Maybe they are gossiping right now, about what's hot and what's not this season at the federal penitentiary where Michael Cohen lives!

MAYBE.

Or maybe she is full of shit lying and Jerry Nadler needs to fuck some shit up.

Maybe.

[Nadler letter]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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