Hey Jeff Sessions! Gonna Do Perjuries To Congress Today? Let's Liveblog And Find Out!
he is just so pretty
WHEE, IT IS JEFF SESSIONS LIVEBLOG DAY! Sessions is testifying for the House Judiciary Committee ... NOW!
Wonkette long ago lost track of Sessions's various lies about his involvement in the Trump-Russia conspiracy, and we imagine he will tell us many more bullshits about it today.
But this is also an interesting time to watch 'n' liveblog, because news came out Monday night that Sessions is directing the Justice Department to see if MAYBE they should appoint a special prosecutor to look at Hillary Clinton's Russian Uranium Benghazi emails, like Donald Trump instructed him to do right before he left for Asia. (Yes, if this happens, Trump will have successfully weaponized the Justice Department to go after his political adversary, as a way to obstruct justice in the investigation into him. Yes, this would be VERY BAD.)
It's also an interesting day because rumor has it certain Alabammy folks are concoctin' a scheme whar'-by if the state votes for the accused child molester Roy Moore, the Senate could refuse to seat him, and then Alabama Governor Kay Ivey could appoint Jeff Sessions to his old Senate seat, which would clear the way for Trump to pick the biggest sycophant lawyer in his cabinet (presumably somebody already Senate-confirmed) to be his new attorney general, at which point BING BONG! that person could obstruct justice for Trump by firing Robert Mueller! So!
Shall we liveblog? WE SHALL.
10:29: Sessions is as beautiful today as he always is:
He is doing his blah-blah opening statement now, speaking at his usual rate of seven words per minute.
10:34: Jeff Sessions does not want to answer questions about Russia today, because he is recused from that investigation, therefore it would be IMPROPER for him to talk about Russia.
Also, Sessions says his testimony has never changed and he doesn't know that George Padadopoulos fella or that Carter Page scamp, which means any allegations that he knew about their Russian activities is SHUT UP.
10:37: Oof, the redneck leprechaun is already pissy:
Sessions also just referred to the Sutherland Springs mass shooting as the "Texas terrific horrible shooting."
10:40: Bob Goodlatte (R), chair of the committee, would like to know if Sessions will please do special prosecutor for HILLARY COMEY URANIUM BENGHAZI WHITEWATER. Sessions says maybe, but promises he won't be influenced by politics. We assume by "poltiics," he is not including the fever ranting Sean Hannity flings into the president's gaping maw-hole each and every night, because that's just REALITY.
10:43: Ranking member John Conyers (D) now reading all Trump's hate tweets about Jeff Sessions, just to see if he can make Sessions cry butterscotch tears out of his beady moron eyes. Should the president be telling the Justice Department to retaliate against his political opponents?
SESSIONS: Is that a question? (He did not understand the question, because it had more than four words in it.)
Sessions says "Department of Justice NEVER" should be used that way, and "IT WOULD BE WRONG."
CONYERS: Should Trump be constantly flapping his yap about ongoing Justice Department matters?
SESSIONS: Well I reckon he shouldn't, I guess!
CONYERS: What the fuck is up with that Justice Department letter about investigating Hillary? Are you fucking kidding? Also too, will you recuse yourself from things about Hillary Clinton, like you said you would? ANSWER YES OR NO.
SESSIONS: "I cannot answer that yes or no, because reasons!"
10:54: We skipped whatever Republican questioning that just happened, as it was boring. Now Democrat Jerrold Nadler is talking REALLY FAST and is bound to make Sessions uncomfortable.
Nadler is going apeshit on Sessions's earlier denials that he ever heard about Trump campaign people having playdates with Russia. Sessions now remembers, long after the fact, because it was in the newspaper, that George Papadopoulos talked in March of 2016 about getting campaign meetings with Vladimir Putin. Sessions knows he shut that shit down, not that he can recall what happened that day.
NADLER: Did you do anything to keep Trump people from getting in bed with Russians?
SESSIONS: YOU ARE TALKING TOO FAST! I REFUSE TO ANSWER THE QUESTION BECAUSE YOU ARE MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE!
10:59: Time for another Republican to ask questions! Mr. Steve Chabot from Ohio wants to know if Sessions can investigate DNC stuff, we think? We kind of zoned for a minute. SHUT UP, IT HAPPENS TO ALL BLOGGERS.
11:01: Oh yes, Chabot is saying the Democrats were "laundering" their money through a law firm to pay for the DODGY DOSSIER. Sessions isn't really biting on his line of questioning.
Chabot now would like have a buddy chat with Sessions about how the devil weed marijuana is still the devil.
11:05: CHABOT: We are all still gay married to the death penalty, yeah?
SESSIONS: KILL 'EM DEAD LIKE A STRAY RACCOON!
11:06: Zoe Lofgren, Democrat of California, would like to know some things about literal actual foreign agent Michael Flynn!
LOFGREN: Did you help Flynn change the GOP platform to make it more sexxxy for Russia?
SESSIONS: I don't recall.
LOFGREN: But you were the head of the foreign policy team?
SESSIONS: We were a very bad foreign policy team! Just a buncha knuckleheads!
LOFGREN: Did you talk to Michael Flynn about your hot tub time with the Russian ambassador?
SESSIONS: I do not recall any things from my entire life.
LOFGREN: Did you talk to Michael Flynn about Carter Page and George Papadopoulos's contacts with the Russians?
LOFGREN: Did you know Michael Flynn was a LITERAL ACTUAL FOREIGN AGENT?
SESSIONS: "I don't believe so."
That is a quite a thing to slip your mind, Alabama!
11:10: LOFGREN: Did you know about Michael Flynn's little plan to take a $15,000,000 bribe to kidnap a Turkish cleric and send him back to Turkey to get murdered?
SESSIONS: Uh, no.
11:11: Sessions now talking a lot faster because xenophobic shitheel Steve King is asking him to say racisms about DACA. Funny how he suddenly recalls all the things!
11:16: Steve King just wants Jeff Sessions to know Hillary shoulda got locked up.
Now, time for Democratic Rep. Sheila Jackson-Lee, who kindly asks Sessions to please confirm whether or not he likes "Constitution." Sessions says it is OK.
JACKSON-LEE: Do you believe Roy Moore's accusers?
"I have no reason to doubt these young women."
11:19: Ooh, Sheila Jackson-Lee is going after Sessions HARD on his many changing answers about his knowledge of Trump campaign people doing sexxxy collusions with Russia. Does Sessions want to change his testimony he gave to the Senate Judiciary Committee, or is he VERY CONFUSED ABOUT THE QUESTION?
SPOILER, he does not understand that question.
11:23: JACKSON-LEE: When the fuck are you going to go after these Nazi white nationalists? SESSIONS: Derno.
11:24: Ooh, committee chair Bob Goodlatte DOES NOT LIKE IT when Sheila Jackson-Lee asks questions! Weird, a GOP man who doesn't like it when strong black women talk.
Anyway, it is time for Darrell Issa to talk, because he is somehow still in Congress (for a few more minutes, we guess).
11:30: HI, STEVE COHEN OF TENNESSEE! Hey Wonkers, did you know Steve Cohen is our personal Congressman? It is true!
He is kicking Sessions's ass on how voter ID disenfranchises black voters, and asking whether Sessions will stop defending it. Sessions say "Nah."
11:33: Jeff Sessions confirms that heroin is bad, mmkay. He even agrees it's worse than marijuana, so ... progress?
11:35: COHEN: You once said good people never smoke pots. Here is a list of Republicans who have weeded on pots before like Ted Cruz and Clarence Thomas. Tell me which of these people are bad!
SESSIONS: Well what had happened was!
COHEN: Alabama sports question!
SESSIONS: Alabama sports answer!
11:37: That stupid Ohio GOP congressman Jim Jordan, who looks semi-fuckable until he opens his wingnut mouth, is asking questions, and he wants to know about the DODGY DOSSIER. Here are his questions:
Did FBI buy the DODGY DOSSIER?
Did FBI give the DODGY DOSSIER to the FISA court?
Can you please tell me stuff you're not allowed to talk about so I can impugn the integrity of the FBI?
Sessions answers all these questions by not answering them.
11:41: JORDAN: How many Hillary Clinton crimes do we have to make up to get a new special counsel, for investigatin' the Clintons? And also James Comey?
SESSIONS: Well there would actually have to be facts. It'll goddamn happen if there are facts to back it up. Put that fresh-killed squirrel in your pipe and smoke it.
JORDAN: I will now say more made-up conspiracy theory words to make it sound like I am not totally full of shit.
SESSIONS: I see that.
And UH OH, Sessions just said, "It looks like there's not enough to appoint a special counsel." He seemed pissy about it too.
11:45: THOUGHT: Jeff Sessions is a racist shitheel and a bad person and probably dirty in the Russia investigation, however he does seem to give at least two tiny shits about keeping the Justice Department independent.
11:48: Texas Republican Lamar Smith: We gonna put all the sanctuary cities IN JAIL? And also what about the Mexicans?
SESSIONS: Yew bet your Country Time Lemonade-flavored ass!
Then Sessions did hand motions, because going after the Messicans makes him jumpy:
TEN MINUTE RECESS, EVERYONE, JEFF SESSIONS GOTTA GO POO. (Allegedly.)
12:06: Oh shit, it is back! We were playing with the dog.
Some Democrat just asked whether Trump has the authority to fire Robert Mueller or members of his team and SESSIONS DOESN'T KNOW.
12:10: Jeff Sessions says a big part of respecting the rule of law is that you don't "give legal opinions by the seat of your britches." That is right there in the Constitution, just read it, you idiots.
12:12: GOP Rep. Ted Poe is yammering his dumb dick off about unmasking and FISA warrants and leakers and blah blah blah blah blah.
First he shits on FISA courts, then he shits on the NSA ... there is a real and dangerous and scary thing going on here, where Trump's butt-diddlers in Congress are all too happy to smear and discredit American institutions to protect their loser president.
12:16: LOL Democratic Rep. Luis Gutiérrez suggests that we could end all these endless investigations of we just make Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton resign from all their things. Trump would resign from the presidency and Hillary would resign from ... ??? That would make the scandals be over, right?
12:18: Gutiérrez: Are you going to keep Trump's campaign promise to put Hillary in jail?
Sessions: That is not my job actually.
Gutiérrez: But he promised his pig-fucking supporters, how is that even fair?
Sessions: I will be a very good boy and follow the law!
Gutiérrez: I am just screwing with you!
Gutiérrez then told Sessions he knows Sessions is probably about to do some more perjury and said he doesn't want to see today's answers changing in a few weeks, next time more news drops.
Luis Gutiérrez is hilarious!
12:23: To be clear, Gutiérrez literally had a Mother Jones article about all of Sessions's lies to Congress entered into the record, and he used a salt shaker as a prop to signify how he's going to take everything Sessions says with a grain of salt. THESE ARE SOME SALTY DEMOCRATS!
12:26: It's cute how Jeff Sessions's wife always sits behind him while he lies to Congress. It's like one of their cars is always in the shop and she agrees to come to Congress with him as long as he remembers they have to go to Wally World afterward and get birdseed or whatever. Top it off with a trip to the Olive Garden and that is a very nice day for Alabama expats forced to live in Coastal Elite DC!
12:30: Democratic Rep. Karen Bass, a black lady: Tell us about the big scary black identity politics groups!
SESSIONS: Well there definitely are some!
BASS: Does the Justice Department know anything about white supremacist groups?
SESSIONS: I guess.
12:32: BASS: Is Black Lives Matter an extremist group?
SESSIONS: I would like to play the Quiet Game!
12:34: Ooh, it is time for Trey Gowdy to ask questions! Wonder if he will actually be a good prosecutor man, like he was during Carter Page's testimony?
Well ... he says he's "not interested in re-litigating" the FBI's decision not to prosecute Hillary. So that is good?
He is being a little bit stupid, but we'll see how this ends up. Also, Gowdy is growing out his mane for the winter, a hair decision Wonkette cannot co-sign:
12:39: SERIOUSLY LOOK AT THIS. Gowdy is letting his hairs grown down his sideburn area and they are all scraggly and good lord, can one of his constituents please slip him a mirror next time he is in South Cackalacky?
12:45: Rep. Cedric Richmond, chair of the Congressional Black Caucus, is kicking Jeff Sessions in the ass on how many black folks are on his staff, how many black folks Trump has nominated to the bench, and so forth. Jeff Sessions does not recall if he has ever met a black person.
12:48: OOH, TIME FOR BLAKE "DUCKY PAJAMAS" FARENTHOLD! He starts his questioning by saying he is a nerd, which is just unfair. C'mon, look at him:
How beautiful you are, my love, how very beautiful! Your eyes are doves behind your veil. Your hair is like a flock of goats, moving down the slopes of Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of shorn ewes that have come up from the washing, all of which bear twins, and not one among them is bereaved. Your lips are like a crimson thread, and your mouth is lovely. Your cheeks are like halves of a pomegranate behind your veil. Your neck is like the tower of David, built in courses; on it hang a thousand bucklers, all of them shields of warriors. Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle, that feed among the lilies. Until the day breathes and the shadows flee, I will hasten to the mountain of myrrh and the hill of frankincense. You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you. (Song of Solomon 4: 1-7)
Remember that time Susan Collins got caught on tape talking about how the ugly stick grabbed Blake Farenthold by the pussy and took it furniture shopping?
Farenthold's questioning involves shitting on FISA courts, mostly. Nerd questions!
12:54: Here is Democrat Hakeem Jeffries of New York, to fuck with Jeff Sessions A LOT.
JEFFRIES: You said "I don't recall" one million times to the Senate Judiciary Committee.
SESSIONS: I have no idea.
JEFFRIES: You said "I don't recall" one million times to the Senate Intelligence Committee.
SESSIONS: I don't know.
JEFFRIES: Today, you have said "I don't recall 20 times."
SESSIONS: I have no idea.
JEFFRIES: One time you told Lou Dobbs that Hillary Clinton is a forgetful ding-dong who might have committed perjury when she said she didn't remember things during Congressional testimony. Are you high on your own supply?
SESSIONS: I am not a devil weeder!
Then Jeffries goes back over all the one million times Jeff Sessions met with Russians and heard about Russian involvement with the Trump campaign, and all the million times he's said he doesn't recall any of these things, followed by:
SESSIONS: I DON'T RECALL I DON'T RECALL I DON'T RECALL!
JEFFRIES: I ask the questions, you provide the answers. Just a helpful reminder.
These Democrats have zero fucks left.
1:02: Jeff Sessions has his back ALL THE WAY up at your unkind suggestions that he is a common liar! Mrs. Sessions is ready to get on with her day:
1:04: GOP Congressman Ron DeSantis of Florida has a statement to make:
URANIUM URANIUM URANIUM BENGHAZI EMAILS HILLARY IS THE REAL KILLER.
Thank you, Ron DeSantis. Your input, as always, has been delicious.
1:09: Here is the Mother Jones article about all the times Sessions lied to Congress that was entered into the Congressional record earlier.
1:11: Democratic Rep. David Cicilline, giving Sessions another opportunity to clarify when and where and what outhouse he was sittin' in when he finally remembered George Papadopoulos and his Russian connections:
SESSIONS: I coulda been sittin' on any number of potties when I remembered that! Otherwise, I do not recall! Look at me, I'm Hillary Clinton, not recalling things!
1:14: GOP Rep. David Ratcliffe would like to make sure Jeff Sessions doesn't let people work for his Justice Department who clear Hillary Clinton of all crimes before they even do the investigation, like James Comey did. (Comey did not do that, but in Republican alternative reality world, he did that.)
Ratcliffe also says the Obama presidency was the "worst of his lifetime." It's sad that he's stupid and racist like that.
This dipshit really isn't asking Sessions questions.
1:19: Thank god, it is Eric Swalwell, a good Democrat, because this shit was starting to get BORING. He wants to know if Sessions had it to do it all over again, would he lie to Al Franken during his confirmation hearing, or would he say the truth this time.
SESSIONS: I. Did. Not. Let. That. Russian. Ambassador. Fuck. Me. I. Am. A. Patriot!
1:22: Jeff Sessions did not tell Carter Page not to go to Russia. "Am I supposed to stop him from taking a trip?" (You know, just in case Sessions claims in two weeks he told Carter Page not to go to Russia.)
1:24: SWALWELL: The CIA director says WikiLeaks is a hostile intelligence service. Is that right?
SESSIONS: I don't see why not.
SWALWELL: Trump is in love with WikiLeaks. Are you in love with WikiLeaks?
SESSIONS: I am not!
BREAK TIME AGAIN. They are "voting" or something, like they're "Congress."
2:10: The longest fucking hearing in history is back on! Rep. Matt Gaetz, who may actually be stupider than Louie Gohmert, is asking questions about whether Jeff Sessions is too good of a buddy to Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein or something. We're sure it is a very important line of questioning.
2:13: Matt Gaetz is BEGGING Jeff Sessions to appoint a special counsel to investigate Uranium One and Fusion GPS and Loretta Lynch and the faked moon landing and chemtrails and gay frogs. What a fucking waste of space he is. Just look at him:
2:21: Oh MAYBE Jeff Sessions discussed Ukraine with the Russian ambassador, but that has nothing to do with the campaign, right? Has Jeff Sessions said too much?
Jeff Sessions would also like to remind everyone that he is SORELY OFFENDED when you suggest he is anything other than a perfect angel.
2:23: GOP Rep. Mike Johnson would like an update on whether PLANNED PARENTHOOD BABY PARTS investigations are happening, and if not, why not.
Jeff Sessions responded by talking with his hands again:
2:26: Jeff Sessions will not commit to not prosecuting investigative journalists for protecting their sources. Just FYI.
Also it is too many people on the House Judiciary Committee. They could cut like half of these people and we'd be good.
2:32: GOP Rep. Andy Biggs would like to know what Rod Rosenstein's job is.
SESSIONS: Deputy Attorney General.
BIGGS: And what about Andrew McCabe?
SESSIONS: He is the number two guy at the FBI?
BIGGS: How is it fair that they got to do stuff when they are not even Trump-sucking Republicans like we are?
Maybe Jeff Sessions should appoint a special counsel to read Rod Rosenstein and Andrew McCabe's sexts or something.
BIGGS: The dodgy dossier! Did the FBI pay for it?
SESSIONS: I have said one thousand times I cannot comment on ongoing investigations like this, and also I am recused? Moreover, I do not read the newspaper, I only do the jumble, and I always get it wrong.
Seriously, this all could have been condensed down to five minutes of Jim Jordan and Matt Gaetz pulling down their pants and throwing their poo at the ceiling, and then five minutes of the Democrats showing everyone on the doll where Jeff Sessions perjured himself.
2:38: BIGGS: "Many" people are questioning Rod Rosenstein's impartiality, by which I mean "Sean Hannity" is questioning it.
2:40: Democratic Rep. Pramila Jayapal has ZERO time for Jeff Sessions and his "I don't recall," noting that Sessions is a seasoned prosecutor with a long career in the Senate. Her question is, "Would you put up with Jeff Sessions's bullshit if you were not currently Jeff Sessions?"
She would also like to know whether Sessions agrees with Trump that John Brennan and James Clapper and James Comey are "political hacks." Sessions says Trump speaks his mind and will not confirm or deny whether he agrees with Trump.
Also she called Ben Sasse "Senator Sassy."
2:43: JAYAPAL: Jeff Sessions, did you know nasty probable virgin Stephen Miller wrote the first draft of the Comey firing letter?
SESSIONS: I cannot answer that question.
JAYAPAL: Wait, are you claiming executive privilege on some shit involving you talking to Trump's little xenophobic shitstain?
And then Bob Goodlatte cut it off, and Democratic Rep. David Cicilline lost his SHIT about "WAIT, HE'S ALLOWED TO JUST NOT ANSWER QUESTIONS?" Goodlatte was like, "I am a big Trump whore. BIIIIIIIG Trump whore. So yeah sure why not?"
So that happened, and then the talking stick was handed to Karen Handel, Georgia's enduring embarrassment.
2:52: Democratic Rep. Brad Schneider: Y'all doing anything yet to protect our elections? Because you weren't a few weeks ago when you talked to the Senate.
SESSIONS: I have not done dick squat about this. I promise I will this time, though! Of course, I could be lyin' right now, hee haw hee haw hee haw.
2:55: Time for Doktor Zoom's favorite Republican congressman, Raul Labrador! He wants Jeff Sessions to promise he'll do everything he can to fuck the gays for "religious liberty" purposes.
Sessions replies that he's "cared about" fucking the gays "for a long time," and says religious people should be able to "exercise" their religion any way they want, including fucking gays in the ass for Jesus.
3:01: GOP Rep. Martha Roby, who is perhaps our LEAST FAVORITE Alabama idiot congressperson ever. She starts with, "Attorney General Sessions, it is just so great to have you here today!" For real.
Roby's questions to Sessions on Russia can be summed up as, "Have you ever done a big old sin, Jeff Sessions?" "No, I reckon I've never done a big old sin, Martha Roby!" "Good enough for me, Jefferson Buttersquash! Is it OK if I call you Buttersquash?" "I reckon that's a fine nickname, Martha Roby!"
Do remember that this is the congresswoman who got SO MAD at Hillary Clinton during the one-million hour Benghazi hearing, for laughing when she asked if Hillary was HOME ALONE the WHOLE NIGHT?
3:07: Louie Gohmert, the stupidest dipshit in the history of Congress, is IN THE HOUSE:
Gohmert's first statement is that "HAW HAW, why did that Demon-crat submit a Mother Jones article into the record? Mother Jones is FAKE NEWS!"
God, he is every stupid racist white uncle who ever lived.
GOHMERT: If you had known Rod Rosenstein did uraniums with Hillary Clinton, would you have recused yourself?
SESSIONS: That has literally nothing to do with ...
GOHMERT: If you had known Robert Mueller did uraniums with Hillary Clinton, would you have recused yourself?
SESSIONS: Actually, from what I know, none of this is relevant to ...
GOHMERT: THIS STINKS TO HIGH HEAVEN!
GOHMERT: I HAVE A CHART!
He does have a chart:
See? That right there is Louie Gohmert's chart. In the middle is Obama, and also there is Uranium One and Russia and a bunch of Obama adminstration names, and the lines between all of them were drawn by extracting Trump's jizz from Sean Hannity's mouth (ALLEGEDLY), adding food coloring to it, then putting it inside a magic marker, for chart-drawing purposes. IT IS JUST SO OBVIOUS.
3:17: MSNBC literally just cut away from the hearing because it "suddenly got weirdly boring." JUST NOW, MSNBC? REALLY?
We have been saying that since 10 AM.
3:18: "I reject accusations that I have ever lied! And that is a LIE!" That is a quote Jeff Sessions said in this hearing when his little nuts were in a twist, because of how mad he gets when people say he's a liar.
3:28: Hey you guys, SHIT IS OVER. Don't worry, if you were relying on the liveblog for the exciting details of the last few minutes, there were none. And now Jeff Sessions and Mrs. Sessions are off to run their errands. First stop? Big Lots. Next stop? Cracker Barrel. And after that? They are going to park at the top of a mountain and engage in the traditional American heterosexual act of "necking," because they are horny teenagers like that.
Haha, now you are imagining what Jeff Sessions looks like when he is horny, which means WONKETTE'S JOB IS DONE.
Horny Jeff Sessions.
PLEASE TIP YOUR BARTENDER BY CLICKING BELOW.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.