There was some moderately good news last week about the Senate race in Alabama. An internal poll showed Democrat Doug Jones only a few points down against Tommy Tuberville, the former football coach from Auburn University. Donald Trump has endorsed Tuberville because of his consistent record of not being Jeff Sessions. Trump hates Sessions. This is Trump's only good quality — certainly not, as Hillary Clinton lied politely, his kids.

Tuberville is ahead of Sessions in the July 14 Republican primary runoff — by double digits in some polls yet others show the former senator gaining on Tuberville. This is the dilemma. Trump has dragged Sessions non-stop and was even planning to hold a rally in support of Tuberville before it was cancelled because of COVID-19. The president's reviled one-time attorney general pulling an upset would humiliate Trump. That's good! But it would put Sessions one step closer to reclaiming his Senate seat. That's bad.

Sessions is a terrible human being who'd just need to remove his suit to successfully cosplay Gollum. If you're inclined to think better of him because, unlike Bill Barr, he almost, sort of, stood up for the rule of law against Trump, this week's New York Times feature on Sessions should change your mind quick.


Writer Elaina Plott describes Sessions's tumultuous tenure in the Trump administration as a “malarial dream." A White House official recalls Sessions settling into his West Wing offices (the Times has him roaming the halls there a lot, to be closer to President Mean Daddy we guess) "like a kid in a candy store" as he prepared to gleefully shit on minorities and immigrants. He was so darn “comfortable" as attorney general, because he was going to perk up the spirits of cops after mean old Barack Obama gave them the sads.

SESSIONS: I said, "We're going to embrace this as our mission, we're going to back the police and we're going to reduce crime."

What a welcome change from Obama's fuck-the-police platform! In reality, violent crime declined 16 percent during his administration. That wasn't good enough for Sessions, I suppose, since Obama insisted on chillaxin' with criminals in the White House.

The mantra was: "Back to the men and women in blue," Sessions told me. "The police had been demoralized. There was all the Obama — there's a riot, and he has a beer at the White House with some criminal, to listen to him. Wasn't having a beer with the police officers. So we said, 'We're on your side. We've got your back, you got our thanks.'"

The racist shit stain is referring to the 2009 “Beer Summit," but Obama wasn't poppin' 40s with “some criminal." His guest was Henry Louis Gates Jr., the Harvard University professor and longtime friend of our last real president. Gates was racially profiled and arrested outside his own home. The cop never apologized to Gates, but Obama did in fact have a beer with that cop anyway. There's video and everything.

Henry Louis Gates Jr.: I'm Outraged www.youtube.com

Trump and Sessions are buddies to cops who don't think they should ever have to explain themselves or their brutal actions, certainly not to Black people who are simply existing in the world. Gates wasn't a “criminal" because that requires one having committed a crime. Sessions should know the difference considering he personally reported to a criminal for a few years and still curries his favor so he can win his old Senate seat.

(Asked whether this was a confused reference to the meeting Obama had with the scholar Henry Louis Gates Jr., who had been wrongfully arrested entering his own home, and the police officer involved in the arrest, a Sessions spokesman declined to elaborate.)

Yeah, why clear that up?

The living Confederate monument also killed "big areas of some of the highest-profile work the Civil Rights Division had been doing," according to Vanita Gupta, who'd led the division for Obama. Sessions wasn't just a one-trick monster. He delighted in torturing children and has no regrets about the Trump administration's family separation policy, which would offend even Satan's sensibilities.

[Sessions] recounted the outrage over his use of Scripture to defend border agents separating migrant children from their families, calling it "totally ridiculous." "I was right about that," he said. "I wish I'd fought it." Then, in a disturbing, guttural voice, he mocked much of the nation's reaction: "Nooooo, this is a poor child! They just want a job!"

According to the ACLU, with its repository of commie data, “at least 2,654 immigrant children were separated from their parents or caregivers as a result of Trump administration policies"; 1,033 (or 38 percent) were under the age of 10. About 103 were younger than five. But to borrow from Jean-Luc Picard, “How many children does it take before it becomes wrong?"

Sessions doesn't deserve to appear on the same ballot as Doug Jones. He deserve to rot in hell, but first Tommy Tuberville needs to kick his ass — even if it would please Trump. That's one I'll take for the team.

[New York Times]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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