Hey Jeff Sessions, You Feeling Perjury-Tastic Today? A Liveblog!
It's time! "Recused" shithead yokel Attorney General Jeff Sessions is testifying before the Senate Intelligence Committee, and we are LIVEBLOGGING IT. Right here! Right now! The good senators are just curious about a few things, like did Sessions lie AGAIN about a THIRD MEETING with the Russian ambassador, after he said in his confirmation hearings that he ain't met with none o' them Russians, then had to "correct" that testimony after the Washington Post helpfully "reminded" him of two meetings he had with the Russian ambassador? Will he tell the senators if that's what James Comey meant when he said the FBI knew things about Sessions that would make it "problematic" for him to be part of the Trump-Russia investigation?
The senators will also be just a-wonderin' how much Sessions was involved with Donald Trump's firing of Comey, which happened because of the Russia investigation, the one Sessions is supposed to be "recused" from. Will he answer their questions about that? Or will he claim executive privilege, like some suggested on Monday? That sure would be weird, since the Justice Department said Sessions is so excited about testifying publicly, because he really wants to "come clean" about everything. Uh huh, ayup!
Finally, we bet he'll get questions about the rumors that Trump just might want to get rid of special prosecutor Robert Mueller. Would Sessions "unrecuse" himself in order to do Trump's bidding? Would he resign? Would he go hide under his desk with his Alabama butt-ass stuck up in the air, because he is "recused" after all?
We just don't know!
So yes, this is your liveblog, and also your livestream, so you can watch it with us RIGHT HERE. We might just transcribe his words in full, because he only speaks five and one half words per minute. You ready? LET'S GO!
2:20: TV news says Trump's goon lawyer Michael Cohen, the "SAYS WHO" guy, will be testifying before the House Intelligence Committee ... in SEPTEMBER. That is like one million years in Trump Administration Days, will anyone even still be alive by then?
2:33: They are late like a common Obama. Maybe Jeff Sessions is still in a lunch meeting with a Russian.
2:41: It's time! John McCain is coming to his seat! Wonder if he'll have awesome questions today like he did at the Comey hearing.
2:44: Also Jeff Sessions has arrived:
This is gonna be great, just great.
2:47: WHICH LIES YEW WANNA HEAR? GRILLED UP A BATCH OF 'EM LAST NIGHT BACK IN BAMA!
Democratic committee vice chair Mark Warner reading Sessions for filth right now, and Sessions hasn't even said a word.
2:52: "What. In the blessed name. Of Republican Racist Jesus. HAVE I DUN GITTED MYSELF INTO?"
2:59: Sessions says in his opening statement that he will answer the questions "as fully as the Lord enables him" to do. Says he probably won't answer all their questions about his conversations with the president, and doesn't remember all this Russian malarkey about ambassadors or collusion, and besides, what is this investigation about anyway? NOT JEFF SESSIONS. That's what the Lord told him anyway.
Moreover, he is APPALLED and DISTRESSED (ooh he's getting mad!) by the "detestable lie" that he might have colluded with Russia, because that would have HURTED AMERICA, and he LOVES AMERICA.
Moreover, he says Senator Al Franken's question, the one what done on accident maybe got poor Jefferson Beauregard to do accidental perjury with his mouth, was "rambling" and a bad question.
Sessions is aware we still have those transcripts, right?
3:01: Jeff Sessions DID NOT make nookie to that Russian man!
3:03: Here is why Jeff Sessions recused himself from the Russia investigation, according to Jeff Sessions:
Because the nice law-readin' people at the Department Of Justice done telled him to. He didn't recuse himself because HE had done nothin' wrong, it was just because he figured it would have interfered with all the racist shit he wanted to do as attorney general!
3:06: Sessions describes the time James Comey asked him to PLEASE NEVER LEAVE HIM ALONE WITH TRUMP:
"Mr. Comey expressed concern about proper communications and protocol with the White House and with the president."
He says he agreed with Comey. So ...
ONE COMEY STATEMENT CONFIRMED!
3:08: Jeff Sessions says he's recused from the Russia investigation. But, he says, "I DID NOT RECUSE MYSELF FROM DEFENDING MY HONOR AGAINST SCURRILOUS AND FALSE ALLEGATIONS!"
That's right! You will not cast false aspersions on his asparagus, and you will not walk around acting like Jeff Sessions is some kind of dishonorable Russian pee hooker!
3:10: OK, time for questions, so the senators can suss out all the lies Sessions just told.
BURR: Seriously, bro, you don't REMEMBER if that big jolly Russian ambassador was at the thing at the Mayflower Hotel last April?
SESSIONS: I was blind that day.
3:15: BURR: Were you at that event as a Trump-licker or a senator?
SESSIONS: I was there because I'm a very curious boy! I had only seen Trump speak once before, and it was at the Jewish AIPACs!
Here is a picture of Jeff Sessions, at the Mayflower Hotel, with the Russian Ambassador, who was wearing an invisibility cloak that day:
Here's a notable Getty pic from the April 27, 2016 Mayflower Hotel event—Kislyak & Sessions both named in the official caption pic.twitter.com/epubUUfkKc
— Kerry Eleveld (@kerryeleveld) June 1, 2017
So there is that.
3:18: Here is video of Jeff Sessions shouting about defending his Southern gentlemanly honor. It is LOL!
— The Lead CNN (@TheLeadCNN) June 13, 2017
3:21: Time for committee vice chair Mark Warner!
WARNER: Will you commit to make yourself available to our committee when we need you?
SESSIONS: Well I'll be, boy howdy, what if fishin' season opens that day?
3:22: WARNER: How do you feel about Robert Mueller?
SESSIONS: He is the bees' tits, but I'm not going to say I won't unrecuse myself and fire him, because I don't know what Daddy Trump is gonna order me to do!
To be fair, Sessions did say he didn't think it would be appropriate for him to step on Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein's dick, since Sessions is indeed recused from the Russia investigation.
3:25: WARNER: Have you talked to the president about pardoning all these motherfuckers when Mueller finds them guilty?
SESSIONS: I will not share my love chats with Donald Trump, that would be an impropriety!
3:30: Sessions says it's it's "conceivable" that he talked with the Russian ambassador at the Mayflower Hotel, but it definitely wasn't improper, but he doesn't remember anyhow what they might have talked about, not that they talked. Also he didn't TRY to do perjury about that meeting.
3:35: Now it is time for Senator Jim Risch from Idaho, who is truly a Republican moron.
RISCH: You remember the BAD NEW YORK TIMES ARTICLE that James Comey said was BAD? It was definitely the ONLY thing that's ever alleged collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia!
SESSIONS: Is this about the Russian lady tinkler hookers?
RISCH: No, but ...
SESSIONS: I will say the dossier about the Russian lady tinkler hookers is BAD!
RISCH: Did you collude with Russia?
SESSIONS: I have never met her!
RISCH: Did anybody TELL you there were Russians all up in the campaign?
SESSIONS: Heck nope!
RISCH: Would you have left the campaign if there were?
No for real, he said "maybe."
3:41: Whew. Time for a Democrat with normal questions, and it is Dianne Feinstein.
FEINSTEIN: Why did you have to write a recommendation about firing James Comey, considering Trump pretty much said he always was going to do it, because of the Russia investigation?
SESSIONS: Well I reckon.
FEINSTEIN: Are you going to answer any of my questions, even though you have no literally reason not to?
SESSIONS: Well, bless your heart, I'm not certain if I'm that kind of girl!
3:43: Jeff Sessions says James Comey's public statements about the Hillary Clinton email investigation were just "thunderous!" And that is why he had to be fired. For "THUNDEROUS" reasons!
3:47: MARCO RUBIO: Does Donald Trump record everything in the White House?
SESSIONS: No chicken-pluckin' idea!
RUBIO: If he did, are those records you would have to preserve?
SESSIONS: Don't ask me, but probably!
3:51: Senator Ron Wyden is talking now, and he is VERY CURIOUS what Comey was talking about when he said the FBI knew information that led them to believe Sessions would be recusing himself from the Russia investigation. TELL US THE ANSWER, JEFF SESSIONS, AND NO STONEWALLING AND NO BULLSHITTING, GODDAMMIT.
SESSIONS: Stonewalling and bullshitting.
3:55: OH FIDDLESTICKS AND HOLY LAMENTATIONS, Jeff Sessions just got MAD! Ron Wyden asked, again, what the hell was Comey talking about when he said the FBI had reasons to believe Sessions's involvement in the Russia investigation would be "problematic." This is a paraphrase of Sessions, who was VERY YELLY:
"THERE ARE NONE ... THERE ARE NONE! ... THIS IS SECRET INNUENDO BEING LEAKED OUT ABOUT ME AND I DON'T APPRECIATE IT!"
It is hilarious when Southern men with Dunning-Kruger get mad.
3:58: Yeah, this is pretty much this entire hearing:
4:05: Senator Susan Collins just asked a bunch of questions but we zoned because they were boring. Now onto Sexxxy Senator Martin Heinrich of New Mexico, who is our new favorite, and who just now accused Jeff Sessions of "impeding the investigation."
Heinrich says Sessions has three choices: 1) You ANSWER his questions, or you 2) invoke executive privilege, or 3) you say it's classified and you can address it in a closed session. He says those are Sessions's three "buckets" he can choose from, and there is no "bucket" that allows for Jeff Sessions to say it's simply "improper" to answer congressional inquiries. He concludes that Sessions's silence "speaks volumes," just like the silence of Dan Coats and Mike Rogers did during last week's hearings.
Heinrich is goddamned GOOD. And SEXXXY.
Martin Heinrich for president of Wonkette's pants, in the election happening RIGHT NOW.
4:08: While dumbass Senator Roy Blunt asks questions, would you like video of Jeff Sessions getting all Redneck Pew Pew Pew HUFFY? Here!
Sessions loses his temper and angrily denies any problems with his recusal. "This is a secret innuendo being leaked out there about me" pic.twitter.com/izZzlVZpRT
— David Mack (@davidmackau) June 13, 2017
4:09: And here is Senator Heinrich dunking on Sessions, telling him about all the buckets he can drop his bullshit answers into:
Sen Heinrich: "You took an oath...And now you're not answering questions. You're impeding this investigation." pic.twitter.com/0khsPNZvM8
— David Mack (@davidmackau) June 13, 2017
Be still our hearts.
4:19: Senator Angus King, here to kick some ass!
KING: Once again, slowly, has Trump asserted executive privilege?
SESSIONS: No! I just don't want to answer questions that might make King Trump upsetted!
KING: You have testified about OTHER communications between you and the president. You're just picking and choosing, because you're a stupid dick.
SESSIONS: I'm not intentionally being a stupid dick!
KING: Did Russia interfere with the 2016 election?
SESSIONS: Says so in the Sunday newspaper, yes it does! But I haven't read anything else about it.
KING: Are you shitting me?
SESSIONS: I'm not SUPPOSED to do Russia, I'm REE-KEY-U-SED!
Also, Wonk pal Charlie Pierce, weighing in:
And now we move on to dead-eyed Oklahoma Republican Senator James Lankford, who we're sure will thrill us, as he always does.
4:26: JAMES LANKFORD: I'm going to give you a long drawn-out tongue bath full of leading questions that are supposed to exonerate you in the eyes of the public, so you just kick your leg around and wag your tail.
4:28: JOE MANCHIN: Are there any OTHER meetings you've had with Russians that you can't remember?
SESSIONS: I ain't never had a meeting with a Russian about hacking computers!
Well that was an interesting denial!
4:34: Tom Cotton is being a great big dick, trying to act like he is making a point. He notes that none of the Democrats have asked Sessions if Trump colluded with Russia. He thinks that's because LITERALLY EVERYONE has said there was no collusion, because that is a thing Republicans believe. Cotton is incorrect about that.
Then Cotton moved on to asking a very important question about what kinds of spy movies and books Sessions likes, and he and Sessions are now LOLing about what a SILLY plot for a spy movie this would be, like LOL! Can you even imagine?
Go fuck yourself, Tom Cotton, you hayseed Arkansas squirrel turd.
4:36: And now Tom Cotton is asking about leaks, to which Sessions replies, "THANK YOU, SENATOR COTTON!" It's so nice when Republicans can get back to ignoring espionage against our country by our greatest enemy and instead focus on what the fucking orange dumpster fire in the White House thinks is important.
Time for KAMALA HARRIS!
4:39: KAMALA HARRIS: You seem to forget a lot of shit. Did you go back and ready any goddamned records, to help your ailing dumb memory?
SESSIONS: Well I reckon sorta kinda not really! I'm just a country lawyer, we ain't have much need for pencils and ink pens back in Alabammy!
By the way, Harris has already called for Sessions's resignation, on Twitter:
4:41: KAMALA FUCKING HARRIS, PROSECUTOR: Lots of important questions, asked in the manner of a good prosecutor.
SESSIONS: Slow down, fast-talkin' lady!
HARRIS: For fuck's sake.
SESSIONS, EXACT QUOTE: "I'm not able to be rushed this fast! It makes me nervous!"
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL THAT IS SO FUCKING AMAZING, BRB, WE NEED TO RECOVER FROM HOW AWESOME THAT WAS.
4:46: OK so Kamala Harris asked if the Department of Justice has written policies about whether it's proper for Sessions to testify as to his conversations with Trump, and Sessions kept saying bullshit about "principles." Harris was NOT HAVING IT. So she kept calling him on it, which led WALNUTS!!!11!! JOHN MCCAIN to pipe in, like he always does when the pretty lady from California is stepping out of line like a professional lawyer lady, like WHO DOES SHE EVEN THINK SHE IS? Walnuts does not know :(
So Richard Burr solved the problem by saying Harris's time had expired, and now John Cornyn is asking stupid questions, in an effort to suck dick for the Trump White House.
Keep doing this to Kamala Harris, boys. It makes her stronger.
4:50: Y'all watch Kamala Harris right now. She is BOSS OF YOU.
Kamala Harris continues to push Sessions on what policy he's citing for not answering Qs. John McCain complains she's not letting him speak. pic.twitter.com/PnpvbGMPBG
— David Mack (@davidmackau) June 13, 2017
4:52: And here is the part where Sessions gets his feelings hurt because he's too stupid to keep up with Kamala Harris's fast words:
4:55: JACK REED of Rhode Island: Were you very sad when you learned Trump had lied to you about his reasons for firing James Comey? Did you feel misled?
SESSIONS: No I'm OK, I was probably in on it, but I don't recall.
4:58: JOHN MCCAIN: GRRR ARGH Hillary email word mouth WALNUTS! HENGHHHH?
SESSIONS: Finally, somebody up here who makes sense!
McCain actually ended up asking good questions about what exactly Sessions did talk about with the Russian ambassador. Syria? Nuclear weapons? Anything interesting? Sessions ain't fuckin' know.
5:01: John McCain is now asking interesting questions about Russian espionage in the United States and Russian cyber-weapons, though we're not sure why he's asking them at THIS particular hearing. Jeff Sessions is giving two-word answers, because it's obvious he doesn't know the first fucking thing McCain is talking about.
Maybe McCain was trying to redeem himself from the Comey hearing by showing that A) He DID NOT stay up too late last night watching Arizona baseball and B) Jeff Sessions is clueless and not fit to be attorney general.
5:05: It's over! Richard Burr told Sessions that his replacement, Senator Luther Strange, had sat in on the hearing, and Sessions responded by saying "Big Luther" is real darn tootin' good at "round ball"! That, we think, is the main takeaway of this hearing.
Also, Jeff Sessions should probably be held in contempt of Congress, like Wonk pal Charlie Pierce tweeted above.
And Kamala Harris is a badass.
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