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OH HEY FRIDAY! Just when we thought this was just going to be a super fucking shitty day with no good news, Robert Mueller dropped YET ANOTHER superseding indictment on top of Paul Manafort's ass, to go with his earlier request this week for Manafort's bail to be revoked.


We learned Monday night that back in February, after the last superseding indictment came down, Manafort and "Person A" (his lusty trusty Russian spy buddy/former business partner Konstantin Kilimnik) immediately got out their Obamaphones to sexxx-chat their co-conspirators in Europe and attempt to suborn perjury by gently suggesting those guys go ahead and lie to Robert Mueller about their foreign agent work in America. (The New York Times added more detail to that last night.) Since a primary condition of Manafort's bail agreement was DON'T FUCKING DO CRIMES, and witness tampering is a crime, Mueller filed to revoke his bail.

And now Manafort is getting more indicted, for committing more crimes! (Refresh your memory on all the other things he's indicted for RIGHT HERE.) And his buddy Konstantin Kilimnik got hisself a Robert Mueller indictment, which means the FAKE DEMOCRAT WITCH HUNT has found itself a new witch!

The new indictments are pretty simple. Look here:

As we explained the other day, Persons D1 and D2 are former business partners of Manafort and Kilimnik in Europe, who are also described by NYT as "veteran journalists." These are the folks those dumb fuckers started Snapchatting like "Hey bro! Hey bro! Feel like lying to Robert Mueller today? And maybe later we can Netflix 'n' chill? Bro! Bro!" So there's a count for obstruction of justice.

Next:

Conspiracy to obstruct justice! Because according to Mueller's evidence, Manafort and his Kilimnik (did we mention that's Manafort's RUSSIAN SPY BUDDY?) did some conspiring together when they coordinated their dumbfuck plan to poke their European pals on Facebook like "Bro! Bro! Do you even lift, bro? Let's lift weights after work and ALSO PLEASE LIE TO ROBERT MUELLER IN THE FOLLOWING MANNER. Bro! Bro-seph! Bro-cifer!"

And so on and so forth, because we are sure that is exactly how Paul Manafort and Konstantin Kilimnik talk.

In summary and in conclusion, it is time for Paul Manafort and his Russian buddy to GO TO JAIL. Also, while this news doesn't fully turn an entirely shitty news day around, it definitely helps a little bit.

Keep it comin', Bobby Three Sticks!

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[Superseding indictment]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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CLEAR YOUR CALENDARS FOR FEBRUARY 7! And then fill them back up with whatever the fuck you want, because Michael Cohen has announced through his lawyers that he is too scared to testify before an open session of Congress that day, citing threats to his family from Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani.

Wonkette has no reason to believe Cohen isn't being serious here, and NBC News reports Cohen's wife and father-in-law are particularly concerned about their safety if the man who used to call his boss MIS-TURRRR TWUMP goes to Congress and tells the truth this time. Still, we must pause to note that this is the same guy who said this to NPR reporter Tim Mak, back when Mak was at The Daily Beast:

"I will make sure that you and I meet one day while we're in the courthouse. And I will take you for every penny you still don't have," Cohen told Mak [...] "And I will come after your Daily Beast and everybody else that you possibly know."

"So I'm warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I'm going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. You understand me?"

It's not so fun when the shoe is on the other foot, IS IT, MICHAEL?

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Did Nancy Pelosi do something to give Donald Trump the mistaken impression he has leverage here? We don't remember her doing anything like that!

Trump sent Pelosi a letter this morning to say that, despite how she told him to stay the fuck out of her House because of his government shutdown, he would still be coming to the House on January 29 to deliver his State of the Union address. And for some weird-ass reason, Trump and his advisers in the White House actually thought she would back down. It's both hilarious and alarming that Trump and his people are that stupid, isn't it?

Anyway, Pelosi took the dare. She took the dare. Was there anybody besides those dumb fucking idiots in the White House who thought she wouldn't take the dare?

Pelosi sent a letter right back to Trump to kindly explain to him that no means "go fuck yourself," and that if he'd like her to stick her foot further up his ass and kick it around a bunch, he's welcome to test her some more:

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