YOU GUYS! YOU GUYS! HEY YOU GUYS!

There is some breaking news and it is happy news and it is that Paul Manafort woke up this morning in his bed with its 1000 threadcount sheets that were probably bought with laundered money he earned while committing conspiracies against the United States. Then he went to court and he looked like he was about to cry, or just stopped crying, or maybe that is just his fucked up face.


At court, special counsel Robert Mueller's lawyers argued that Manafort committed A BUNCH MORE CRIMES involving witness tampering, and they were at least convincing enough that the judge agreed Manafort's bail should be revoked and he should GO TO JAIL! Now, according to MSNBC's Andrea Mitchell, he has to get on a van and GO TO JAIL.

Here are some funny moving pictures that represent how we feel about that:



Yes! That is how we feel! Here is also how we feel:

And here is how Paul Manafort feels:

OK, because this is a very serious journalism website, we will give you some more details.

MSNBC reports that Judge Amy Berman Jackson, issuing her order, said, "This isn't middle school. I can't take your phone." (FOR REAL.) She said that because while Manafort was free as a bird (if that bird was wearing an ankle bracelet) he was literally and constantly trying to get witnesses to lie for him, which is why Mueller's prosecutors argued today that Manafort is a "danger to the community."

This not only makes Manafort's life suck harder (hooray!), but it's also much harder to fight charges like the ones Manafort is facing FROM JAIL. So it's very possible that Manafort will go to bed tonight in a jail cell and will go to bed for ALL THE NIGHTS AFTER THAT UNTIL HE DIES, in a jail cell.

Or maybe he could decide to flip and cooperate with Robert Mueller! Or maybe that lawless thug president your stupid uncle voted for will pardon him.

Speaking of, here's what Emperor Dick Cheese had to say about Manafort this morning:

"Manafort has nothing to do with our campaign," Trump said. "I feel a little badly about it."

"You know, Paul Manafort worked for me for a very short period of time. He worked for Ronald Reagan. He worked for Bob Dole. He worked for many other he worked for me, what, 49 days or something. Very short period of time."

Actually, as CNBC points out, it was 144 days, but what difference does it make when the president is a pathological liar?

For now, let's soothe our dark hearts by imagining all the things Paul Manafort might miss out on, if he goes to jail today and then is convicted of so many crimes that he dies in prison. We'll start:

  • Birthday sex with his wife, on his birthday.
  • Birthday cake, on his birthday.
  • Christmas with his family.
  • Pooping without people watching.
  • Being allowed to whack off in peace.
  • That thing on Thanksgiving where you're finished eating your food and you pass out on the couch and life is just really good.
  • Guess he won't really be able to conspire with foreign enemies to steal American democracy no more, IN JAIL.

In short, SUCKS FOR YOU, PAUL MANAFORT!

Feel free to come up with your own hateful examples of life events Paul Manafort might miss out on, in the comments! But not shower-soap jokes, don't make us get our delete finger out.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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