Whose Balls Smell Like Cat Pee? Certainly Not Julian Assange's Balls!

There are a lot of things you can say about Julian Assange, but "his grundle smells like barrel-aged dick cheese" isn't one of them!

Julian Assange was the best cat daddy of all the cat daddies in the entire world, and despite the fact that the Ecuadorian embassy got mad at him for failing to clean up after his cat, thus turning his living quarters into what we imagine was a cat shit-infested cauldron full of limp-dicked resentment and ennui, we'd never want to give anyone the impression that Assange ever neglected that animal before he gave it away like a heartless cat giver-awayer.

Based on Julian Assange's behavior and the fact he hasn't been committed to radical transparency for a while in anything besides fucking over the Democratic Party in America as part of a Russian campaign to steal the 2016 presidential election and hand it to a yappy orange dickwad who's not qualified to be president of a Big Lots, one might think Julian Assange is a witting or unwitting intelligence asset of the Russian state, or that he works for Russia directly, but we wouldn't say that because that's simply a rude and unfair thing to say.

Julian Assange's hair? Couldn't call it anything but normal and pleasing to the eye, in the sex way!


There's a reason we are NOT SAYING any of those things, and it is because on Sunday, WikiLeaks sent a bunch of reporters what can only be termed reasonable and friendly guidance on 140 things they should not EVER type about Julian Assange the stinky cat lady whose cat went away but we bet you can still smell it in his face hair. Their letter claims everybody is picking on poor Julian Assange, writing 140 of the worst lies about him anybody has ever heard, and so they are setting things straight about Julian Assange, the freedom fighter with the beautiful hair that would never smell like cat pee unless Julian Assange had a tragi-comic accident and fell head first into a bucket of cat pee. And if that happened, HE WOULD TAKE A BATH THE SAME DAY. OR MAYBE THAT WEEKEND.

We definitely should take all of this seriously, and not loudly and enthusiastically mock it, because of how Julian Assange and his organization definitely aren't the type of people to post and tweet out un-curated stolen emails from Hillary Clinton and John Podesta, purely for the purpose of influencing an American election in service of the Russian government. And they'd never post their batches of emails with little to no curation, to make it easy for Trump-supporting morons and liars like True Pundit and Jim Hoft and the Reddit for MAGA shut-ins to start conspiracy theories about how Hillary Clinton is selling children in Haiti. Or conspiracy theories that Hillary Clinton called Muslims "sand n***ers." Or that Hillary Clinton was trashing black people and calling them losers.

And WikiLeaks would definitely never actually advance those conspiracy theories themselves, like the time they tweeted a True Pundit article that claimed Hillary Clinton tried to do DRONE STRIKES to poor Julian Assange, or all the other times they've tweeted misleading garbage.

When WikiLeaks sent this email to reporters, they labeled it "Confidential legal communication. Not for publication." This is according to Reuters, which reported on it. Now, we know Reuters is a great big journalism organization with lots of good lawyers, but we are just saying that we wouldn't be surprised they arrived at their editorial decision at least in part based on the fact that if Julian Assange ain't like it, he's free to drag his (allegedly!) smelly carcass balls out of the Ecuadorian embassy and into the streets of London, then hop a plane to America to appear in court so he can sue Reuters, assuming he could make the trip without getting arrested. (Haha NOPE.)

In conclusion, we'd be neglecting our journalistic responsibility if we failed to report that the letter says we should tell everybody that NO COLLUSION. WikiLeaks says you have to say NO COLLUSION, because obviously there was NO COLLUSION, and how can you unfairly pick on somebody who did NO COLLUSION? Assange did not do NO COLLUSION in a boat, he did not do NO COLLUSION with a goat, and he also didn't do NO COLLUSION with the following list of people the letter helpfully provides for investigators:

Nigel Farage, Roger Stone, Jerome Corsi, Donald Trump Jr., Michael Flynn, Michael Flynn Jr., Cambridge Analytica, or Rebecca Mercer

Nope, definitely not them!

The letter from WikiLeaks has leaked (ROFLMAO), so if you'd like to read it to see all the places the bodies AREN'T BURIED, knock yourself out.

[Reuters / The Letter]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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