Hey, What's Up With The 2016 Democrats?

Three Dems, One Cup

With all the Republicans trying their best to beat the crap out of each other, you have to feel a little bad for the Democrats, who have generally been like the well-behaved kids who are trying to have a thoughtful talk about important Calculus Club business in one corner of the cafeteria while everyone's paying attention to the brawl over by the snack machine, where the little brother of the quarterback from several seasons ago is getting a wedgie from that obnoxious guy with the weird hair. (Somewhere in this analogy, Rand Paul is wondering why no one's taking his Objectivist Club pamphlets, John Kasich can't convince anyone to play D & D with him -- he insists on using the 2nd Edition -- and no one's even sure if Jim Gilmore actually attends this school.) So let's check in on the people who actually care about subject-verb agreement and income inequality.

Hillary Clinton

Still winning. But a few weirdos on the right have decided that maybe the best hope for defeating her is to wish her into a constitutional cornfield, because the U.S. code very clearly states that if you ever delete a single email, you can't ever work in the federal government again. We won't litigate ServerGhaziGate here, because dear god, if there's anything worse than having server issues, turning a server into an issue just might be it. In your heart, you know she's a'ight.

Bernie Sanders

Still packin' em in, still selling shirts for Yr Wonkette, and still refusing to bow to your corrupt bourgeois assumptions about "combs." Like a heatwave, Berning in your heart.

Martin O'Malley

Briefly visible last week -- twice, actually! -- the former governor (?) of Maryland (?) received a momentary bit of media attention that is utterly unrelated, beyond timing, to the highly anticipated and infrequent blooming of the Chicago Botanic Garden's "corpse flower." Smells considerably better.

Old Handsome Joe Biden

Hold on a darn minute, Joe Biden is not a candidate! Except that there is much speculation about how maybe he might become one, what with Hillary Clinton's extreme email issues and also the need for Big Media to run excited stories about what might happen if Joe gets in the race.

In what had to be a thrilling Harmonic Nerdvergence, OHJB met with Elizabeth Warren Saturday, and while for all we know they simply got together to watch that amazing badass Star Wars anime cartoon on Yr Wonkette (Joe: "Whoa! They included the space tug from the TIE Fighter video game!" Liz: "Sure, it looked great, but there's no way a rebel Medical Frigate would have been that lightly shielded." Joe: "Nerd!" Liz:"NERRRRD!"), there is also much chatter that this meeting may signal ... something.

Our Editrix's guess: Biden said, "Hey Liz, I am too old, so YOU run for president and I will do what I am AWESOME AT and be VP for life!" This could well be the case!

Lincoln Chafee


Also, you're kidding. You're kidding, right?

Jim Webb

Hahahaha. We're talking about Democrats here.

Also, a True Fact: When we went to put our Dem Roundup together, darned if we didn't completely blank on the name of "that one guy who's barely even a Democrat," and we had to go look it up. Jim Webb? We're still not entirely certain we found the guy we were thinking of.

Lawrence Lessig

A Harvard professor who has many important ideas that are worthy of discussion, by which he means one idea, and one idea only, and after President Lessig reforms campaign finance, he will resign, he says, mission accomplished. Also, his campaign will go nowhere, and who we're only mentioning here in the futile hope that Cory Doctorow will think we're cool.

[Americablog / CNN / Chicago Tribune / Larry Lessig for President]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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