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Funny thing happened this week: The lawyer we hired to negotiate the $5,000 bill for three photo copyright violations (including one of Herman Cain that goes back to the last Wonkette era) got the bill down to $2,000, then charged us $2,000! Maybe more. He hasn't added up his surely dozen hours in December yet. You know those hilarious statistics about "could you withstand a $500 emergency" and half the country just lies down on the floor and DIES with laughter, and also starvation? Well, Wonkette doesn't have a spare $4,000 in a month. In fact, Wonkette is in the hole about $20,000 for the year, and honestly, I'm fucking pissed. And I'm not sure Dok and Evan and Five Dollar Feminist, who have been bearing the brunt of me, like it too much either!

Nobody (with a vag) is asking for $60 million in VC funding to blow through, or even $6 million. That's for Mic and The Outline and other news sites from men. (Then they lay off their entire editorial staffs because who can even run a news site on that???) But it would be really fucking nice if our just under 400,000 readers a month -- a good-sized city! a very small-sized state! -- were able to support an independent, ad-free news site with a full-time staff of THREE FUCKING PROFESSIONALS, plus three part-time, plus good freelance, while I'm working 55 hours a week LOOKING AT TRUMP'S FACE. In November, .8 percent of our readers donated to keep us going -- that's point-eight, not eight -- and god knows I love them and they are the greatest, but they shouldn't have to do it all.

YOU love Wonkette. You love that it is AD-FREE and DOESN'T BREAK YOUR BROWSER. You love that Dok does actual important policy, and Five Dollar Feminist splains law at you, and Robyn and Stephen and Bianca and Dom keep you up to date on all the terrible things without making you cry hardly ever, and Evan is here to insult Junior's face.

If you've been meaning to throw us some cash but just haven't gotten around to it, for fuck's sake, GO GET YOUR FUCKING CREDIT CARD because I AM FUCKING DYING HERE. Better yet, sign up to keep giving it, every month. Even if it's fucking $2. Imagine if two percent of you started sending us money! Imagine if it was FUCKING FIVE! Imagine if you were sending us a HUNDRED AND EIGHT THOUSAND DOLLARS A MONTH to put up one podcast a week calling Democrats moneygrubbing capitalists! Just kidding, I don't want that and those guys suck.

Also, I am pretty sure I'm soon going to be on the rag. ALSO also, I'm having butt surgery next week, but you guys DO pay 100 percent of our medical, so yay, thank you, I love you, you're good. (See, I spend your money on 100 percent medical for the staff because of what a neoliberal I am. I SURE FUCKING WISH I COULD HIRE ALL OF THEM, DON'T YOU.)

Happy fucking Christmas, everything is terrible and I want to cry. But at least Mueller should be up soon, and Evan's gonna tap-dance (with votes!) all over Trump's noggin, and I am going to have this drink, which isn't going to drink itself, something something Trump Junior's face.

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Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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OOH BOY HOWDY, The Federalist is on fire this week! Just this morning we told you about the hilarious Federalist column where one neo-Nazi's mom and dad are Democrats, ipso facto QED NEO-NAZIS ARE THE REAL LIBERALS, FUCKERS! Is America's dumbest woman whose name doesn't rhyme with Cara Snailin' over there being a total fuckin' Mollie Hemingway right now? Sadly, she blocked us on Twitter, so how could we possibly know? The answer is WE DON'T CARE.

But now we have a gem of the Federalist genre, an article written by a whiny-ass gay quisling conservative, who would like to chew on his blankie and whine about how much harder it is out there for a conservative than it is for a gay person. This is a subject we happen to have some knowledge about, because we are super gay! And we know a lot about conservatives, both firsthand -- being subjected to them every single one of our almost four decades of life -- and also from covering extremist right-wing Christians for a very long time. Particularly the kind that tell young, impressionable, vulnerable gay kids that they need to pray away the gay if they want Jesus to exercise some self control and refrain from sending them to a fiery hell for all eternity.

We clicked on the article with high hopes. See if you can spot why:

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pic via Glamour Shots, we mean this dude's old website

The House Education and Workforce Committee was all set to have a hearing today all about the horrors that a higher minimum wage would wreak on the economy. Horrors like rich people being slightly less rich. Horrors like business owners claiming they will have to fire people and charge $15 for a McChicken if forced to pay workers a living wage, which they won't actually do because no one will buy a $15 McChicken and they would go out of business if they tried that, and they already don't hire more people than the bare minimum they can get away with. Horrors like poor people not being "motivated" to work harder and get better jobs that do not pay them an amount no human being could possibly live on.

Alas, as Politico reports, it was not to be, as committee members discovered their big witness for the hearing, San Diego State University economist Joseph Sabia (pictured above in a Glamour Shot from his archived website), was kind of a wacko.

Sabia, as it turns out, once had a blog called "No Shades Of Gray," in which he wrote many columns of an extremely homophobic and sexist persuasion. In one of these columns, in 2002, Sabia was very mad about one man's lawsuit against several fast food giants for contributing to his health and obesity problems by failing to disclose the nutritional information of the food they sold. In retrospect, I think most people are now on board with these chains being required to post calorie counts and other nutritional information, but in 2002, Sabia was convinced that requiring them to do this would be an assault on freedom for all Americans everywhere. His response to this was to try and attempt a Jonathan Swift posture and suggest taxing gay sex, which he claimed leads to "disastrous health consequences."

Because sure, that's the same thing, basically.


In gay sex, we have an activity that is clearly leading to disastrous health consequences. What rational person would engage in this sort of activity? There is only one solution - let's tax it.

"Come on, Sabia," you say, "how are you going to enforce these taxes? Are you going to send government officials to peep into everyone's bedroom?"

Eventually. But first we have to mount the assault on Big Gay (no, I am not talking about Rosie O'Donnell). We can tax gay nightclubs, websites, personal ads, sexual paraphernalia, and so forth. Talk about a sin tax!!! We can cripple gay-related industries and get them right where we want them. All gay clubs will have to feature huge, flashing warning signs like "CAUTION: Entering this nightclub may increase your chance of contracting STDs and dying."

Big Gay clearly lures people into trying their "product" without discussing the risks to mind, body, and soul. The average Joe on the street does not understand all of the possible bad outcomes. I can almost hear him now:

"They said '100 percent hotties.' I thought that meant it was fun. I thought gay sex was OK…Now I have all these diseases. Big Gay has wrecked my life."

In the immoral words of Warren G, "Regulators!! Mount up!"

EXTREME SHUDDER.

In another 2002 article, classily titled "College Girls: Unpaid Whores," Sabia laments that feminists have led college girls to stop trying to be like the Holy Virgin Mary and instead to aspire to be more like that hussy Ally McBeal.

No, really.

As women have strayed from the church, they have replaced what is holy with what is temporally pleasing. For Catholics, the model woman is Mary, the virgin Mother of God. She is beloved by the faithful for her unflappable devotion to and trust in God, her nurturing of the Son of Man, and her deep love for all humanity.

Today's college girl looks to Ally McBeal, the trollops of Sex in the City, and the floozies on Friends to set their moral compasses.

The sad truth is that college girls are so desperate to find love that they are willing to degrade themselves to get it. But true love can only be understood in the context of the Word of God. Any other notion of "love" is secular and, by definition, limited and finite.

Not only that, but instead of going to college to find a husband, they have boyfriends. Boyfriends they have S-E-X with. And sometimes, not even that. Sometimes they have sex with people just because they want to have sex with people, and not even in exchange for Valentine's Day cards or money!


Additionally, other sex-based relationships have become commonplace. In recent years, a new and disturbing arrangement known as "friends with benefits" has emerged. In this arrangement, men are not even forced to perform the normal duties of boyfriends, i.e. flowers, Valentine's Day cards, rides to the abortion clinic, etc. Instead, girls consider these guys "just friends" whom they happen to screw every now and again. No strings, no attachments, no dinners. Just sex when they feel like it.

This type of arrangement is the next logical step in the direction that young women have drifted in the last few decades. These women have become unpaid whores. At least prostitutes made a buck off of their trade. These women just give it away.

How cute! He was like the ur-incel, basically.

Anyway, following the discovery of the posts, the House Education and Workforce Committee's GOP communications director Kelley McNabb told Politico that "members were uncomfortable moving forward on the hearing." A more optimistic person might think this was a step forward, that maybe those committee members actually thought it was bad to suggest that being gay means being a disease-ridden monster or that college girls are whores, but it's probably more to avoid embarrassment than anything else. Guess they'll have to start from scratch and find a crappy economist who will tell them what they want to hear about the minimum wage but who doesn't have an embarrassing Geocities blog in their past. Good luck with that!

[Politico]

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