'Hi Americans! I'm Mahmoud From Iran!'
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wants you to know he cares! America's favorite Pen Pal sent a great new letter to all of us, but it's pretty long and complicated and Americans are just barely literate, so as a Public Service we've collected the highlights:
* Calls Americans "noble," which is so outrageously gracious that it's actually ridiculous.
* Says Americans are "god fearing," apparently unaware that America's god totally hates Iran's god.
* Notes that Iran and the USA are geographically far apart.
* Explains that hundreds of thousands of Iranians actually live in the United States. (This is true. They live in LA.)
* Foolishly believes Americans care about the "ever-worsening pain and misery of the Palestinian people." Americans only care about Israel, because it's in the bible and soon Jesus is going to come back, to Israel, and kill everybody.
* Considers it "extremely unlikely that you, the American people, consent to the billions of dollars of annual expenditure from your treasury for this military misadventure." Americans don't even know what this means.
* Asks "Is there not a better approach to governance?" That's kind of cute.
* Suggests the hundreds of billions pissed away in Iraq year after year might be better used to help America's teeming masses of poor and hungry and sick people. Hippie!
* Shows a remarkable confidence in the fate of the United States despite our overwhelming economic and cultural decline.