Hilarious Judge 'Bout To Give Michael Flynn The Death Penalty, Just For Fun!

Judge Emmet Sullivan is pissed off. We knew he was pissed off last night when he ordered Robert Mueller's office to file a redacted copy of the 302 on former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn's fucking lie-fucker interview with the FBI, so the public could see exactly how full of shit Flynn is about how HE WUZ FRAMED, and by extension how much Flynn's defenders on Fox News and at the Federalist need to shut their fucking mouths. (Know who really needs to shut his fucking mouth and put some goddamn pants on? Alan Dershowitz.)

We read that 302 this morning. (That's the FBI agents' accounting of their interactions with Flynn, including his interview.) It is remarkable how Michael Flynn, who's had a security clearance since about five minutes after his balls dropped, could have ever thought it would be OK to lie to the FBI, and it's also remarkable how polished his lies were at that point. Flynn even told the FBI before his interview that he was well aware that the FBI "probably knew what was said" when he was talking Russian sanctions with the Russian ambassador, and Flynn lied anyway.

Judge Sullivan was not amused by Flynn's whining about being framed, and he's not amused by how Flynn is getting off Scott Free on charges of conspiracy and acting as a criminal foreign agent in exchange for his cooperation with the feds, charges Flynn's partners in crime (literally) are being held to account for. He's also really grossed out by the fact that Flynn committed his crime -- at least the lying to the FBI crime he's being sentenced for -- inside the White House.

The point is that today's sentencing hearing for Flynn was FUN. The headline news that came out of it is that Flynn actually did not get sentenced today. He was supposed to, but now we have to wait until March 13 for a status hearing on whether it's finally time (yet again) for Flynn to be sentenced. But the process by which the hearing reached that outcome was FUCKING HILARIOUS.

First of all, Sullivan wanted to go ahead and clear the air and make Flynn say all the Fox News/Federalist/Dershowitz ass-sniffers talking about HE WUZ FRAMED are huffing glue, and state for the court that he was not entrapped, that he knew lying to the FBI was a crime, and that he is very sorry and guilty as fuck. Flynn responded in the affirmative.

Judge Sullivan inquired as to the status of Flynn's cooperation with the government, and was told that it's almost all done with, but prosecutors left open the possibility that maybe he could cooperate some more.

But Sullivan was just getting started. He addressed Monday's indictments of Flynn's BEST FOREIGN AGENT TRAITOR BUDDIES, and made sure everybody was clear on the fact that Flynn could've (should've) been charged with the same conspiracy and foreign agent charges his buddies were charged with. But yet he wasn't, because he's been cooperating SO BIGLY.

Sullivan also wanted everyone to know exactly how he felt about the lying crimes Flynn is charged with and pleading guilty to, on top of the crimes he's getting to skate on.

"This crime is very serious," Sullivan said, noting that Flynn lied "In the White House! In the West Wing!" Flynn shouldn't "minimize" his "very serious" offense, Sullivan said.

"Arguably, you sold your country out," Sullivan told Flynn.

Sullivan said Flynn had in essence betrayed the American flag that was right there in the courtroom, and said, "I'm not hiding my disgust, my disdain for this criminal offense." You know, in case we hadn't caught on to that.

At this point it was pretty clear to all the reporters live-tweeting the hearing that HOLY SHIT, THIS JUDGE MIGHT BE ABOUT TO PUT MICHAEL FLYNN IN JAIL. In fact, Sullivan kept gently suggesting maybe Flynn should take a break and talk to his lawyers about asking for a sentencing delay, in case anybody hadn't noticed that he was really in the mood to put Flynn in an orange jumpsuit. He was not fucking around.

You see, Sullivan doesn't have to follow the prosecution's sentencing guidelines. Robert Mueller can agree with Flynn's lawyers that Flynn should serve no time in exchange for his cooperation, and Sullivan can decide that actually he thinks Flynn needs to do some good hard prison time, therefore LOCK HER UP.

There was a WHOA IF TRUE moment in the hearing, when Judge Sullivan just casually asked the prosecutors if MAYBE Flynn could have been tried for literal actual treason. Government prosecutors seemed a bit thrown by the question. (SIDENOTE: Did Michael Flynn commit treason? Ehhhhh ... maybe he stepped right up to the line, but no, not that we know of, at least not so far. Treason has a very specific definition, and certain conditions must exist for it to be adjudicated thusly. For instance, Congress would have had to declare war on Russia or Turkey at some point. But he came really damn close, giving aid and comfort to America's enemies and working against the last legitimately elected president of the United States, for the benefit of his masters in Turkey and Russia.)

After Sullivan stated for approximately the 25th time that maybe Flynn should talk to his lawyers and see if maybe he can cooperate A WHOLE LOT MORE with the government before Sullivan decides to lock him up for shits and giggles, Flynn's team took Sullivan up on that offer. A recess was called, and we imagine Flynn and his counsel had a nice chat about how Flynn didn't want to go to prison today and how maybe it would be a good idea for him to give the government everything they want and shut his goddamned mouth.

When they came back from recess, Judge Sullivan told the courtroom that he didn't actually mean to suggest he thought Flynn committed treason. He was just askin' questions, that's all, because he had a #curious. And the government prosecutors, who earlier seemed kind of surprised by the question, confirmed that no, they never looked at Flynn for treason. Flynn's lawyers also said after the recess that they were the ones who filed that gibberish garbage about Flynn being framed, so please don't LOCK HER UP for something the lawyers did. (Pffffffffft.)

Finally, Flynn's lawyers said please, how about we not sentence Michael Flynn today, so he can cooperate more bigly and thereby avoid prison at the hands of Judge Emmet Sullivan, who really seems to want him to go to there.

So now we get to wait even longer and put up with even more bullshit from Donald Trump and from the paste-eating chickenfuckers at Fox News and The Federalist who support the #MAGA agenda, about how Flynn was framed and Robert Mueller is a witch-hunter and blah blah blah blah blah blah shoot us now, God Bless Us Everyone!

Or as Sullivan said when he adjourned the hearing, "HAPPY HOLIDAYS!"

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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