Feed the baby the soups!

Guten Morgen, Wonkers, WTF does that headline even mean? Did Hillary Clinton and Ted Cruz actually have a caucus with Satan at the Olive Garden and that's how she winned all those coin flips in the Iowa caucuses? Ted Cruz was just there because he likes to have endless breadsticks with his real dad sometimes, of course.

JUST JOSHING, we just took some of the top stories of the week and did a mash-up remix with the headlines, like we do.

[contextly_sidebar id="9KD47P2nO5EXZTA4F6zNPhSMVDyFDuvz"]So we need to count down your Top Ten Happy Fun Times Stories of the week, but we also need to do Reminders. Number one, Wonkette made you a present and it is a Kickstarter and a card game and also our undying love. It is just over halfway to its goal, with 19 days left, so if you all run (don't walk) over to the Kickstarter website and throw the money into our Wonkette mouths, we will win! And you will win! Everybody wins, except Hitler. DON'T YOU WANT TO WIN AGAINST HITLER? Thought so, give us money.

[contextly_sidebar id="06F36IpwVld3TWEq8XmGqkX6e5rf1WUo"]Also too remember that Bernie Sanders has been FIRED from our Wonkette bazaar, for impersonating Doc Brown, so if you want one of the last copies of that t-shirt, well ...  (????????)

LAST REMINDER: You can still do general dollars to us, even if you have Kickstarted our face and Bernie'd your hard nipples. Find it in your wallets to pay us for our Wonking services, because we love you. How many dollars do we cost, you ask? Oh, like $5, $10, or $25, or a million dollars. Whatever your chosen deity says, that will be fine.


OK, here is your weekly top ten list, chosen as usual by science:

1. Here are a bunch of restaurant employees who totally ran out of fucks to give.

2. FBI video conclusively shows that Oregon militia dude shot dead by the po-lice was not an unarmed black teenager.

3. Here's a story about a restaurant manager droppin' the damn mic on dickwads who leave religious messages as tips. Is this the second week in a row for that post in the top ten? We think so!

4. People actually VOTED in the never-ending primary campaign. Or they "caucused," or whatever dumb Iowa calls it. Hillary winned! Ted Cruz sucks! They did not actually go to Olive Garden to see their lover Satan.

5. Speaking of Hillary, she is definitely for sure you betcha going to email jail, any day now, uh huh.

6. Those "One Million Moms" sure are mad how Olive Garden is BFFs with Satan now. (See? Now the headline makes sense!)

7. Ted Cruz's final message to Iowa before winning was basically, "I hate you as much as everyone who ever lived hates me."

8. Sarah Palin: Only A IDIOT would blame her son's drunken girlfriend-beating on President Obama!

9. Donald Trump to Iowa voters: YOU are stupid, whereas I am terrific!

10. Finally, let Jeb Bush tell you what a failure he is in 18 seconds or less.

So there you go, Wonkers. That's your assigned reading for this weekend.

Now you have one task left, and one task only. Do you follow Wonkette on the Facebook and the Twitter? WELL DO THAT IF YOU DON'T.

OK, leaving you now, see ya wouldn't wanna be ya, bye.



Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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