Hillary Clinton Has A Message For Trump's Victims, AKA All Living Americans

Hello, America, it's me, Hillary Clinton, the one who FUCKING TOLD Y'ALL'S ASSES APPROXIMATELY ONE MILLION TIMES, DID YOU NEED ME TO MAKE VISUAL AIDS? That is how Hillary Clinton could have started her new surprise op-ed in the Washington Post if she were willing to be a total dick in public like a common Wonkette. As it is, that's not how she started her op-ed about what we should do in response to the truly appalling Mueller Report on Criminal-In-Chief Donald Trump:

Our election was corrupted, our democracy assaulted, our sovereignty and security violated. This is the definitive conclusion of special counsel Robert S. Mueller III's report. It documents a serious crime against the American people.

A SERIOUS CRIME AGAINST THE AMERICAN PEOPLE? Yes, even the ones in Buttfuck, Kentuckystan, who worship Trump as their lord and savior.

But what should we do? Investigations? Impeachment? Should we just have an ice cream party and then investigate Hillary Clinton some more, because it was fun the first 48,000 times? She says this is a false choice, and doesn't even include the possibility of investigating herself, because she's shifty like that.

It's funny, because Clinton has been around situations like this a wee handful of times in her life, and thus has a certain wise perspective. First of all, we all remember how she got INPEACHED from the presidency because she sent YOGA EMAILS full of CAT PICTURES during BENGHAZI!!11!1!!

But she also lived through the Republicans in the House prematurely ejaculating impeachment against her husband, in response to Willy's unwillingness to tell the truth about his own ejaculations, after ONE MILLION YEARS of Clinton investigations that turned up jackshit.

She was also a young lawyer for the House Judiciary Committee during Watergate. And she was the senator from New York during 9/11 and afterward, when Congress assembled an independent commission to investigate.

Oh yeah, and she just so happens to be the major presidential candidate who lost in large part because of the crimes detailed in the Mueller Report.

It is almost like we are all along for the ride on a timeline where everyone Hillary Clinton is around is IMPEACHED, all of the time! And in this universe, Hillary Clinton is the most important Zaphod Beeblebrox of all. It's just weird is what we are saying.

Anyway, here is her prescription:

Whether they like it or not, Republicans in Congress share the constitutional responsibility to protect the country. Mueller's report leaves many unanswered questions — in part because of Attorney General William P. Barr's redactions and obfuscations. But it is a road map. It's up to members of both parties to see where that road map leads — to the eventual filing of articles of impeachment, or not.

Kind of like the Watergate Road Map!

Congress should hold substantive hearings that build on the Mueller report and fill in its gaps, not jump straight to an up-or-down vote on impeachment. In 1998, the Republican-led House rushed to judgment. That was a mistake then and would be a mistake now.

Watergate offers a better precedent. Then, as now, there was an investigation that found evidence of corruption and a coverup. It was complemented by public hearings conducted by a Senate select committee, which insisted that executive privilege could not be used to shield criminal conduct and compelled White House aides to testify. The televised hearings added to the factual record and, crucially, helped the public understand the facts in a way that no dense legal report could. Similar hearings with Mueller, former White House counsel Donald McGahn and other key witnesses could do the same today.

That is just a true fact.

And they did begin an impeachment inquiry, and Clinton supports that today, preferably led by somebody like John Doar, who led the House Judiciary Committee's investigation of Nixon. And because the very first finding in the Mueller Report is that Russia waged a "sweeping and systematic attack" on America, Clinton states that this is a national security issue, and calls for a 9/11-style commission to investigate and make sure it never happens again. As she notes, the Trump administration has proven time and time again that it's unwilling to do what it takes to protect America from foreign election interference. Hell, protecting America really isn't good for Trump's bottom line, especially if he wants to be re-elected. (Because he's a fucking foreign agent, whether he knows it or not. Sure would like to see what Mueller found in his counter-intel investigation!)

So one could say Clinton favors a wide-ranging and holistic strategy.

There are people on the internet screaming for impeachment NOW. That's misguided, not because we don't have enough evidence now -- absofuckinglutely we do! -- but because if we blow our wad and throw an impeachment party next week, the Senate will throw its own show trial, it'll get voted down a week later, Trump will stay president, and then we get to live through a year and a half of him screaming "TOTAL EXONERATION" and setting the narrative for the 2020 election. As Wonkette argued the other day, we may well be on our road to impeachment -- as we rightfully should be! -- but it's much better to travel down that road slowly and thoroughly, letting each and every public hearing with a current or former Trump official (looking at you, John Dean, we mean Don McGahn) teach America in technicolor about how Trump got to the White House and what he's done since he invaded it, which will inevitably kill the Trump presidency by a thousand cuts. And not because of politics, but because that's what all the available evidence says should happen to Trump's presidency.

If we remember our Watergate history, it didn't require a vote in the Senate to convict -- nor did it require a full vote in the House to impeach -- because motherfucker was forced to RESIGN.

So yeah, let's ease on down this road, and let's do it with intention.

As for those who would be inclined to shoot the messenger, Hillary Clinton is fully aware there are some people out there who think she should STFU and go knit and never speak in public again. Those people oughta go fuck themselves. And there are some people who think she's the last person who should weigh in on this issue, precisely because she was the other candidate in 2016. To those people, we say "eat me." But again, because Hillary is not rude like a common Wonkette, she says it differently:

Obviously, this is personal for me, and some may say I'm not the right messenger. But my perspective is not just that of a former candidate and target of the Russian plot. I am also a former senator and secretary of state who served during much of Vladi­mir Putin's ascent, sat across the table from him and knows firsthand that he seeks to weaken our country.

Oh yeah, she is kind of A Expert.

She concludes:

We have to get this right. The Mueller report isn't just a reckoning about our recent history; it's also a warning about the future. Unless checked, the Russians will interfere again in 2020, and possibly other adversaries, such as China or North Korea, will as well. This is an urgent threat. Nobody but Americans should be able to decide America's future. And, unless he's held accountable, the president may show even more disregard for the laws of the land and the obligations of his office. He will likely redouble his efforts to advance Putin's agenda, including rolling back sanctions, weakening NATO and undermining the European Union.

President Foreign Agent gonna Foreign Agent.

A crime was committed against all Americans, and all Americans should demand action and accountability. Our founders envisioned the danger we face today and designed a system to meet it. Now it's up to us to prove the wisdom of our Constitution, the resilience of our democracy and the strength of our nation.

But her emails, just kidding, go read her fucking op-ed, it's worth your time.

[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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