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In an appearance on local teevee news in New York, Hillary Clinton confirmed Monday night that she really really isn't running for president in 2020, and will instead devote all her time to running a vast shadowy conspiracy to live inside Republicans' heads forever. In an interview with Long Island's News 12, Clinton said nah, officially, but that she also intends to remain active in politics even if she's not going to seek office any more: "I'm not running, but I'm going to keep on working and speaking and standing up for what I believe." A brief moment of silence will be held later today for the small but intense "Clinton's about to run" industry that has so far kept pumping speculation from "sources familiar with Clinton's thinking."


Here are some bits of the interview, courtesy of News 12 and the Associated Press:

Hillary Clinton on 2020: 'I'm not running' www.youtube.com

Clinton said that, in whatever free time she may have while not directing a worldwide child kidnapping ring to extract adrenochrome from children to be used in Satanic murder orgies for the global elites, she intends to stay involved by meeting with 2020 Democratic candidates to offer them feedback and strategy advice.

I've told every one of them, don't take anything for granted, even though we have a long list of real problems and broken promises from this administration that need to be highlighted [...] People need to understand that in many cases, they were sold a bill of goods. We can't take anything for granted. We have to work really, really hard to make our case to the American people, and I'm gonna do everything I can to help the Democrats win back the White House.

Clinton also ruled out any prospects of running for other offices, like New York governor or mayor of New York City, although she added she loves New York and cares very much about its future, which is why she'll stay involved and "do what I can to help support candidates and causes that I think are continuing to make New York a better and better place." In addition to helping to develop a Mars colony of enslaved children to serve the whims of the global elite's vast army of pedophiles, of course.

Clinton also said she was very encouraged by the outcome of the 2018 midterm elections and was "thrilled by the exciting, dynamic women who were elected to Congress," particularly if she can use sophisticated mind control techniques to make them do her bidding even after she is imprisoned in Guantanamo and executed along with George Soros and Barack Obama.

Should she continue to escape imaginary justice, of course, Clinton will likely occasionally say things that start entirely new rumors about her presidential ambitions, like that one time in October when Clinton hesitated a bit after being asked about 2020 and said "Well, I'd like to be president," because, well, duh, of course she'd like that.

In other news of people making perfectly reasonable decisions about 2020, US Sen. Jeff Merkley of Oregon told NBC News he's not running for president either, but will seek a third term in the Senate. Merkley said he made the decision while looking over his possible travel plans: He coulda gone to Iowa again and bumped into some of the 140,000 other Democrats flattening the cornfields, or maybe he could accomplish more by visiting a border detention facility to call attention yet again to the Trump administration's awful treatment of migrant kids. That clarified things a bit for him.

Besides not having the name recognition or organization needed for a really strong presidential run, Merkley said, he also just likes doing Senate stuff, which isn't exactly unimportant to the success of the Dem agenda. He said he intends not just to seek reelection. but also to campaign for other Senate candidates who share progressive priorities, because taking back the Senate in 2020 is absolutely essential.

"We could elect Abraham Lincoln president and none of the agenda would get passed unless we have a Senate that can be a full partner," he said

Then somewhere on Twitter, Dinesh D'Souza probably screamed that Lincoln was a Republican and Merkley cannot profane his name since Democrats founded the KKK and 1964 and the Southern Strategy never happened, the end.

[News 12 / Politico / WaPo / NBC News]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

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But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!

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Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

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