It feeds, Scully ... It must FEED!

Just in time to yell "Squirrel!" while the Trump administration is trying to explain why it was perfectly OK for Donald Trump to hand Russia classified information that exposed sensitive intelligence, the Wingnuttosphere is very excited to dredge up the idea that all the intelligence agencies were lying about Russia having hacked the DNC, the Clinton campaign, and Clinton campaign manager John Podesta, because of course all the Wikileaks really came from DNC staffer Seth Rich, who was murdered by one of Hillary's hit squads last July. It's how she rolls, and we're OK with it because when Hillary murders people, we think that's swell. We have to, because that's what George Soros tells us to do.

The Seth Rich conspiracy story got fresh life yesterday when Fox News's DC affiliate Fox 5 ran a breathless story asserting that a private investigator who "worked for" Seth Rich's family said he was certain there's evidence on Rich's laptop computer showing the slain DNC staffer had been communicating with Wikileaks before he was killed. The DC police believe Rich was killed during a failed robbery, but that can't be, since his money was still in his wallet, and no robber would ever panic and run after shooting someone. Also you can never trust the cops, especially in DC, because Hillary Clinton has them so completely under her thumb that they covered up Pizzagate, too.

The investigator, Rod Wheeler, is a perfectly unbiased source who happens to be a Fox News contributor and a big fan of Donald Trump, having Tweeted a photo of himself last month at the White House, with the caption "Doing my part to Make America Great Again!!"

In Fox 5's exclusive scoop, Wheeler says he's pretty sure the mysteries of Rich's death will be found on Rich's laptop, which by the way Wheeler doesn't happen to have, which is all the proof you need that there's a cover-up:

"The police department nor the FBI have been forthcoming,” said Wheeler. “They haven't been cooperating at all. I believe that the answer to solving his death lies on that computer, which I believe is either at the police department or either at the FBI. I have been told both.”

When we asked Wheeler if his sources have told him there is information that links Rich to Wikileaks, he said, “Absolutely. Yeah. That's confirmed."

Wheeler also told us, "I have a source inside the police department that has looked at me straight in the eye and said, ‘Rod, we were told to stand down on this case and I can’t share any information with you.’

It's absolutely confirmed by "sources," which sounds pretty convincing. After all, the Washington Post used "sources" for its story on Trump and the Russians, so that's exactly the same, isn't it?

Rich's family, for its part, said in a statement the story is bunk, and they don't seem all that crazy to have Wheeler's services foisted upon them, either:

The DC police also denied that there had been any order to officers to "stand down" (what is it with rightwingers and that term?) from their investigation.

Oh, also, NBC News reports Wheeler had been recommended to the Rich family by a rightwing Texas businessman who's allegedly paying for Wheeler's services, one Ed Butowsky, according to Brad Bauman, a spokesman for the family. To complicate matters a bit, though, Butowsky -- who also contributes to both Fox News and Breitbart -- denies having any involvement in hiring Wheeler:

"I'm not involved with any of what you said," Butowsky said when reached on his cell phone Tuesday.

When asked if he has had any contact with Rich's family, Butowsky declined to answer. "This can't possibly go well," he said, before referring questions to Wheeler. "I didn't pay anybody. I didn't hire anybody."

So you have the family, which has condemned the Fox 5 story and says the Texas guy paid to bring on the hinky private dick. You've got the police also condemning the story, telling NBC reporter Alex Seitz-Wald that Fox 5 ran its story without even contacting the department for comment. You have a private detective who contributes to Fox News, being paid, allegedly, by a Texas businessman who also contributes to Fox. (Bauman, the Rich family's spokesman, told Seitz-Wald that Butowsky had paid to hire Wheeler after being told the Texan was denying any involvement. "He's the one who paid for it," Bauman said.)

So isn't that an exciting story that completely proves there was no Russian hack? Keep your virtual seatbelts fastened though: Alex Jones's Infowars offers a truly mind-bending spin on the Real Truth: Maybe, just maybe, the Washington Post only came forward with its "dubious story" about Donald Trump revealing sensitive information to the Russians as part of a deliberate attempt to distract from the Amazing Seth Rich revelations. It only makes sense, sez Infowars, because the WaPo story was published Monday "less than an hour after the bombshell news broke that murdered DNC staffer Seth Rich was in contact with Wikileaks and that DC Police were ordered to cover it up."

Yep, those WaPo guys fabricated a whole story that Donald Trump then said was substantially true, except that it's legal when the president does it, in the space of an hour. Damn, they're good at fake news! But how did they get Trump and the rest of his administration to play along?

Lizard people. The correct answer is always lizard people, folks. We are through the looking glass's rabbit hole.

Yr Wonkette is supported by reader contributions and lizard people. The sneaky shape-shifters haven't come through in a while, though, so we'd really appreciate it if you could click the "Donate" clicky below, OK?

[NBC News / Salon / Fox 5 DC / InfoWars]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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