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So Madam Secretary Sen. Hillary R. FLOTUS Clinton the First had a pretty good night on Tuesday, eh? And by pretty good, we mean she kicked so much ass, even our feet are bruised. Florida, Ohio, North Carolina, and Illinois were all Hillz Country, and while Missouri still remains too close to call, she has the slightest (very slightest, about .2 percent) edge there. More importantly, though, at least if you are a nerd who cares about fact-type things, she continued to expand her massive increasingly insurmountable pledged delegate lead. Math, bitchez!

As for the superdelegates -- those elected Democrats and other establishment types who get to vote however they wanna, in a really dumb process the Democratic Party should kill with fire -- Clinton has a pretty solid lock on those too. Bernie Sanders's campaign, which had a not so pretty good Tuesday night, is now suggesting he could win the nomination if the superdelegates override the will of the voters and hand him the nomination at the convention, like he's some kind of John Kasich. This strategy is, to use a term of art, so fucking goddamned fucking stupid we cannot even. So we won't.


Having winned all the things, Hillary Clinton had some words to say about that. Wonderful awesome makes-us-so-moist-in-our-lady-regions words that show just how ready she is to take on Donald Trump in the general election and do the one thing none of his sad loser wussy Republican loser competitors can do: stomp all over his teeny tiny hands like a BOSS.

Let us swoon, together, at some of our favoritest bestest MMMMMM SO GOOD words:

Our commander in chief has to be able to defend our country, not embarrass it, engage our allies, not alienate them, defeat our adversaries, not embolden them. When we have a candidate for president call for rounding up 12 million immigrants, banning all Muslims from entering United States, when he embraces torture, that doesn't make him strong, it makes him wrong.

SUBTWEET, Donald.

And, yes, our next president has to bring our country together. So we can all share in the promise of America. We should be breaking down barriers, not building walls. We're not going to succeed by dividing this country between us and them. You know, to be great, we can't be small.

Subtweet about Donald's dick?! Let's say yes, and far more artfully than sad loser also-ran Marco Whatshisbucket, and HAHAHA.

We can't lose what made America great in the first place. And this isn't just about Trump, all of us have to do our part. We can't just talk about economic inequality, we have to take on all forms of inequality.

Together we have to defend all of our rights: civil rights and voting rights, workers rights and women's rights, LGBT rights and rights for people with disabilities. And that starts by standing with President Obama when he nominates a justice to the Supreme Court. Our next president will face all these challenges and more.

Programming note: President Obama is announcing his nominee for the Supreme Court this very day. And while Senate Republicans insist they will not confirm any nominee, will not hold hearings for any nominee, will not even look any nominee in the eye, will just stick their greasy fingers in their ears and sing "LALALA DON'T WANNA," Americans are already growing tired of that song, so the GOP is, as per usual, only hurting itself.

Say more nices to us, Hillary:

If we work together, we can make a real difference in people's lives. If we reach out to treat each other with respect, kindness and even love, instead of bluster and bigotry, if we lift each other up, instead of tearing each other down, there's nothing we can't accomplish together.

Awww, yes, that is nice and sweet, and we like it. You know who didn't like it? Cranky white dudes, who can eat all the dicks.

What an odd question from Fox dingleberry Brit Hume, because no one seems to be asking why Donald Trump is so mad, he wants to bomb and torture and kill people and punch 'em in the face. But Hillary is supposed to be a soft delicate flower who isn't allowed to get angry because it's so unbecoming on a chick, huh?

Hillary Clinton has won more votes than any other candidate in either party. She probably absofuckinglutely doesn't need hot tips from Howie Kurtz on how to talk to him and make him feel better while he's sitting at home in his dirty underwear, wistfully recalling the good old days when only men got to talk on TV.

You wanna see a smile, Joe? Here's a smile.

Oh, you want a bigger smile? Here's a bigger smile.

Bigger? OK.

Sorry the look and sound of a powerful lady saying powerful words makes your little boy pant-bumps shrivel up and die inside, but you fellas had better get used to it. By the look of things, we have many years more of this ahead.

[Transcript via Vox / Think Progress]

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

Keep reading... Show less
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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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