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OH HI, I'm Wonkette Baby, here to deliver you the top stories!


Oh hello, Wonkers, how are YOUR family jewels hanging right now? You are probably thinking "Uh, Wonket, BUY A CALENDAR, MORAN," because the Top Ten post is supposed to be on Sundays, RIGHT? What is Wonket, some kind of A Idiot?

Shut your mouth. It's on Saturday mornings now, like cartoons, and you're going to like it, just like you like cartoons. And besides, if we don't throw a curveball in your direction every now and then, you might get COMPLACENT. You will read your Top Ten stories like they are your WEEKEND READING ASSIGNMENT, because you love yr Wonkette enough to do what we say.

So! First thing's first, buy your Hillary Clinton t-shirts and your Bernie Sanders t-shirts if you haven't. And look around for whatever else you might like to buy for War On Christmas in Ye Old Wonkette Gifte Shoppe!

And for also, yr Wonkette works very hard every week to bring you PULITZER-QUALITY stories, what also have dick jokes in them, and it's hard to do that day in, day out without eating food, so please GIVE US FIVE OF YOUR MONEYS. See? Doesn't it feel nice to share?

OH LOOK I AM MAKING FACES AT YOU BELOW THE DONATIONS PARAGRAPH.

BONUS! Here's one of Babby with her Mommy, at Crater Lake!

Oh no, we are going to have a bruise from all the money you just threw at our face, after seeing those pictures! It's okay, we will get over it, THROW IT HARDER.

Okay, let's talk about your badass top ten stories, chosen as usual by science:

1. House Republican Rep. Lynn Westmoreland is very sad in a bumpkin yokel Foghorn Leghorn kinda way, about how Hillary Clinton tricked the GOP into looking real dumb during the Benghazi hearing.

2. Sarah Palin explains why God keeps getting Bristol pregnant. He has a plan, you see.

3. It's nice to see how all the Republican governors have agreed that Syrian refugee kids should probably get bent and burn in hell.

4. Wonket writed a letter to Gawker, upon its announcement that things are going to be (ahem) CHANGING a little bit over yonder in those parts.

5. Fap once again to the sexxxy Green Bay Packers quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, telling refugee-haters to suck astroturf.

6. It's a pity President Obama won't say what he REALLY feels about whiny, cowardly Republicans.

7. Dok will have a new Deleted Comments for you tomorrow, but for now, enjoy last week's, in which we learned it's UNPOSSIBLE to be a liberal AND a Christian.

8. Ted Cruz challenged that rapscallion "President" Obama to Fight Club him to death, and we could NOT stop LOLing.

9. Congress decided the best way to defeat ISIS was to shit its pants and surrender to ISIS.

10. And finally, this one Arkansas judge apparently liked to invite sexy young felon boys (only the white ones though) over for sexytime, in exchange for lighter sentences. Unless they wanted rougher sentences. He was probably into that too.

So there you go, Wonkers. Those are your winning stories. They are the best stories ever written, at least this week! You better share them with everybody, or we will be like this:

So, Wonkers, you have one task left, and it is to make sweet gay love to yr Wonkette on the Facebook. How to do that? You just click on this link and you like us on Facebook! If you want to REALLY have a happy gay love ending, you will invite all YOUR friends to like us there. Got it? Click like. Gay love. Happy ending.

And now it is time to so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen you right on the mouth and tell you to go have a nice weekend. BYE.

Love,

Wonket

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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