They look so ... happy?

[contextly_sidebar id="YgLYfoHvQvB4BicY1PsMjz74C8fpdP8B"]Land sakes, the Iowa caucuses are stupid and dumb. We already 'splained why they are undemocratic and just overall a shitshow on a massive scale, so if you haven't read that, CATCH UP, MORANS. But now we know the results, and they are ... results!

Let's break it down:

I thought I heard it was a "virtual tie" between Hillary and Bernie, so did she really actually WIN?

Yes and no and sort of and also yes? Did we already mention how the Iowa caucuses are stupid and dumb? With 99.94% of precincts reporting, Hillary won 699 votes to Bernie's 695, which is "more," so she winned. But in Iowa, the outcome isn't determined by straight VOTES, but rather an allocation of delegates, and sometimes there are actual COIN TOSSES to decide which candidate will get a delegate. In fact, that happened six times Monday, and Hillary winned all six, because she probably threatened to do Benghazi to the coins.

In Hillary's speech she said "HOLY FUCK THANK GOD I DIDN'T LOSE," and in Bernie's speech he said, "When I'm president everything will be a tie because I am a communist who says everything has to be Even Steven." Just teasing, but they did say speeches! Hillary said, "I am a progressive who gets things done," and also other things, but the funny part was how she decided to do her speech right in the middle of Ted Cruz's victory speech, which made all the networks drop him like a too-hot piece of Canadian bacon.

Bernie railed against the political establishment and said it was a "virtual tie," which, as we said, is true! Bernie had a good night.

And according to the campaigns themselves, THEY BOTH WIN, and they will get approximately the same number of delegates out of this whole foofaraw, so now can we have one day of Internets where Bernie and Hillary supporters don't murder each other in the face in comments threads? No? Well all right, if you kids can't get along, just FIGHT.

Hey maybe you will stop fighting if you are instead shopping for t-shirts of the candidate of your choice, since you can only buy Bernie shirts for one more week, due to how Bernie is impersonating Doc Brown on our shirt. GO BUY THINGS.

Ted Cruz may have won, but he still sucks.

[contextly_sidebar id="tWSHfuZvhI3bEEtYnd7JVJCSmIUp0CVW"]Congratulations, Iowa Republicans, you did a stupid. Even after Ted Cruz showed his contempt for Iowa voters this weekend with those godawful mailers, they decided to reward him with a win, and to show his appreciation, he talked FOREVER. Why? Because he is an egotistical freakshow. You can watch the video at that link if you REALLY want to, like for example if you hate yourself.

To be fair, maybe he just talked so long because Jesus Christ whispered in his ear before he went on and said, "SPOILER: This is the officially the closest you are ever going to get to the nomination so bye gurl, you take your final walk like a common Miss Canada."

This all means Donald Trump did NOT win. His concession speech was humble and gracious, which was KIND OF WEIRD! He probably knows he's going to beat Cruz's ass in New Hampshire and isn't all that worried.

Oh, and also too, Marco Rubio was a strong third place, which means the RNC is somewhere in its hidey hole praising Republican Jesus that there is at least SOME establishment candidate they can rally around. Will there be enough Rubio-mentum to snatch victory from those other two jackholes? Who knows! But a lot of the media sure seems to think he is the REAL winner. Oh, and from his speech, Rubio kind of seemed to think that too? HMMMMM.

Here is the RNC, congratulating Cruz on his win and telling Trump better luck next time, big fella!

Oh oops, haha, they didn't even mention Cruz. Maybe that's because everybody hates Ted Cruz, even Republicans.

What about the other candidates? Who's hot this season? Who's going back to Arkansas to eat bad squirrel meat and cry at the Duggars' dining room table?

[contextly_sidebar id="n80yMduNADEowApzCquq78uj5WPgzy22"]Glad you asked, because BYE MIKE HUCKABEE BYE! Suffice it to say that we hate Mike Huckabee, are happy to see him lose, and hope he is sad.

On the Democratic side, Martin O'Malley is also out, the poor, sweet thing. We hope his sexy body can find a way to feel better and stuff.

Ben Carson didn't do good, but he says he's not quitting. However, his campaign says he's taking some time off to go get "fresh clothes" now, because he pooped his brain surgeon scrubs in Iowa we guess. Carson also says the Cruz campaign sabotaged him by making lies about how he wasn't even in the race anymore, blah blah blah, whining. But again, Ted Cruz is an asshole, so we wouldn't put it past him.

What else? Oh, just that Jeb Bush is very sad about how much he sucks, but says #JebWillFixIt in New Hampshire, HONEST. This time it will work! (It will not work.)

So where do we go from here????

Well, there is a Democratic debate on Thursday, a Republican debate on Saturday, and then the New Hampshire primary is Tuesday, February 9. In New Hampshire, they do this weird normal thing called "voting" in primaries, instead of gathering around a communal cornstalk dildo or whatever and "caucusing" themselves like common Iowans. And even then it is not over! Yes, science fact, but we don't do a whole election in U.S. America based on what Iowa and New Hampshire say. There are at least 20 or 150 states left, we do not know, but you can be sure yr Wonkette will let you know what you need to know, when you need to know it, or whatever real journalists say about these type things.

[Full caucus results at Boston Globe]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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