Hillary Wins! Liveblogging The Pennsylvania Primary Massacre, Part II

This fucking guy, again.Hello, Pittsburgh! Rock onward, Harrisburg! Philadelphia Freedom, shine on me! And we're living here in Allentown! Triumph over suburban male problems, Brewer! Did you know this was All For Nought? That's what famous clown Chris Matthews says! So who cares, right? Still competitive, still too close to call, but that can't last all night, right?

  • 8:50 PM -- Hillary's still up 65% over Barack's 35%, but this is based on like nine voters, all on Clinton's staff.
  • 8:52 PM -- Oh and here is our last liveblog from a few moments ago!
  • 8:52 PM -- Hillary is the Projected Winner just like everybody said!
  • 8:53 PM -- Well, guess what's happening on MSNBC? That's right, a lot of ill-informed jabbering, just like on CNN!
  • 8:55 PM -- But exit polls show that Hillary won the women, the Catholics and the old people by two-to-one.
  • 8:56 PM -- Other exit poll questions: 68% say Obama is trustworth, while only 56% believe Hillary's lies.
  • 8:57 PM -- Obama also wins in the "can save our doomed economy."
  • 8:58 PM -- Ha ha, Hillary will win by the exact amount everybody has been saying for a week: 5%.
  • 8:59 PM -- The "voting irregularities" included dozens and dozens of precincts with completely broken voting machines, no paper ballots, no way to fix anything, etc. Hooray for the Democracy!
  • 8:59 PM -- Hillary's voters showed up late, because they could not find the polling stations.
  • 9:00 PM -- Of course the Hillary campaign is completely out of money, so now it's all about spinning the hourlong wait to declare a winner.
  • 9:00 PM -- Tom Brokaw should not be allowed to try to say numbers because it's all "And, Obama won sigglydem percent of the bwogadum," etc.
  • 9:00 PM -- And 91% of the voters who, uh, voted for Hillary said she had more experience of living in the White House one time.
  • 9:10 PM -- 53% ... Does that even count?
  • 9:15 PM --
  • 9:17 PM -- So why didn't those Phoenix UFOs go to Pennsylvania instead? Experts say the gun-owning white lady space monsters are Too Bitter!
  • 9:19 PM -- CLINTON 229,819, OBAMA 201,034. (Sayeth Drudge.)
  • 9:21 PM -- Uh oh, your editor's dog just "took himself for a walk" and is at the neighbor's up the road. Sara?

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