Hillary Wins, Obama Spins: Liveblogging The Pennsylvania Waterloo, Part III

Pennsylvania kicks ballsNobody is buying this Spin crap from Spinnsylvania, and yet the commentators are shouting "Here is what the spin meisters are saying! Do not believe their vicious lies!" But even though you are half drunk and fully exhausted, aren't you interested in what exactly these vicious lies are? Stay with us to find out.

9:24 PM -- Russert: Sea legs, bitter, Wright, Obama just has to win Indiana and North Carolina. THEN he will be the real candidate. Otherwise no closure for Hope. Matthews seethes about how the Clinton camp always changes the rules, while Russert is merely amused. Do you know why? Because somewhere, tucked between Matthew's gall bladder and his spleen, lurks a tiny pulsating former vestige of a soul, whereas Russert has nothing but placid open space. And beer.

9:28 PM -- Oh look say hello to our secret lesbian girlfriend Rachel Maddow, and a very tall David Gregory. David Gregory is not, however, terribly tall sitting down. He is one of those leggy tall people, whereas others are all torso. Like, uh, Eugene Robinson maybe? Do any of these people ever actually have to stand and walk?

9:29 PM -- If we are ever trapped in an elevator for 41 hours, we would like the voice of Gene Robinson piped over the speakers to soothe us. Gregory says "Let's use the Rocky analogy correctly here." Robinson laughs and laughs. The point is, Obama IS Rocky because he will lose Pennsylvania, or Hillary IS Rocky because she will lose the nation.

9:33 PM -- Buchanan, shouting. You know who's shrill? Pat Buchanan. Closeup on a hand hovering over a bell. Huh? We are about ready to pack this all in and watch that Sarah Marshall movie.

9:34 PM -- "This is a tailor-made state for Hillary Clinton," says Claire McCaskill. Totally true, since Pennsylvania brims with old people, bowlers, and Ed Rendell. Matthews says "We're getting screwed." So vulgar.

9:37 PM -- Matthews jabbers about meat and potatoes, bread and butter, potatoes and pot roast. Which candidate can speak the language of string cheese and red wine? Because that candidate has our vote. (Hint: Gravel.)

9:39 PM -- Over to Fox. Brit Hume makes love to Terry McAuliffe with his eyes, and his penis. Attention America, Hillary Clinton's campaign hearts Fox News, which should give all of us pause.

9:42 PM -- And over to CNN. Bennett says he does not enjoy saying bad things about people, which is a lie. Then he says Barack Obama will lose because he is a liberal.

9:44 PM -- This Obama supporter guy points out that while "the Clintons" always win, "Hillary Clinton" does not always win. Everybody nods sagely and then says "Yeah but still," and cuts to a commercial break in awkward silence.

9:50 PM -- Observe this dull blue map! Many many light blue counties and very few dark blue ones. This map is totally racist. John King suggests "a thumping." Yoiks the bluecollar lunchbuckets broke HARD for Hillary Clinton. More numbers and maps...this crazy map induces vomiting like The Blair Witch Project.

9:59 PM -- OMG Senator Clinton will address her minions soon and Wonkette's own Jim Newell is right there, on the scene, photographing an assortment of allegedly hot young women who are really just Bea Arthur in hot girl masks. Don't tell Newell, though, because he is stilll Wee and capable of grave disappointment.


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