Five million years ago yesterday, the Lord Jesus died for our sins and then came back to say howdy and then went away again. For this very special reason America's First Lady is hosting an event at the White House, in which the children of the nation roll eggs down a hill and learn about ocean conservation.

The White House distributed 22,000 tickets to the annual Easter Egg Roll but cooked just 15,000 eggs for rolling. This 1.5 children-to-egg ratio will help identify those who are too slow to catch a frigging egg. Non-egg-catchers will be removed to the Cheney residence for a "special Easter treat" (death).

It's all part of our President's plan to ready the nation for the coming Great Depression, in which only the most sinewy and fleet among us will survive.

The official theme of this year's Pre-Depression Easter Egg Battle is "our nation's failing oceans." Informational handouts and a touchable exhibit of marine life on the White House lawn will show children firsthand the importance of killing aquatic creatures dead, forever, so that we can spend more time on pool maintenance.

We recommend that you refresh your browser with feverish abandon throughout the day for important updates and hilarious photos of this wonderful heathen day, brought to you by Laura Bush, pictured here with her lips still darkened by the blood of a freshly skinned youngster.

Easter at the White House: 15,000 eggs [The Swamp]

Easter 2008 [Whitehouse.gov]