History's Most Important Election In An Odd-Numbered Year, In Cartoon Form

History's Most Important Election In An Odd-Numbered Year, In Cartoon Form

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Generally speaking, most Americans can barely be bothered to vote during important elections -- you know, the ones with years divisible by four! It's even harder getting them off of their Dorito-stained couches to cast their ballots when it's a year that's an even number that isn't divisible by four, and when we're talking odd-numbered years, well, you can just totally forget about that. I realize that all this math is way, way beyond what most Americans can handle, and yet through some instinct, they can distinguish; my theory is that they can tell how important an election is by the volume of the shouting from the glowing picture-box in the living room. Anyway, despite widespread apathy, there were several elections yesterday, and so, by Journalism Law, a few unlucky cartoonists were forced to briefly stop drawing insightful Balloon Boy cartoons to deal with them. After the jump: the goriest political cartoon in human history.

Click on the comics to make them larger! Especially the first one, which is awesomely gross.

Awww, yeah, who just woke up with a severed rhino's head tucked at the bottom of his blood-splattered sheets? The RNC, that's who! Does this horrifically dismembered creature represent the message sent by conservative activists that moderate Republicans aren't acceptable as party-endorsed candidates? Or that the intraparty infighting leads to carnage on election night, as happened in New York State this week? Who cares! Republicans are chopping each others' zoomorphic heads off as part of the violent struggle for power within their illegal crime syndicate, and that's something all of us can enjoy! The elephant, who I guess is supposed to be Michael Steele, maybe, is regarding the gruesome sight with goggle-eyed horror, but it may all just be an act, as the Oscar statuette on his bedside table might indicate. He'll soon be licking up RINO blood and cackling with deranged glee.

Anyway, while the elephant is cheerfully rolling around in rhino viscera, what's his left-of-center analogue, the Dem donkey, up to? Why, he's wearing a very natty shirt and tie, reading the the news of the day, and uttering an oath, the exact nature of with we are not privy to! The first symbol in his word balloon is the universal symbol for the name our now despised president, whereas the following glyphs indicate a swear of some kind -- but what kind? Newspapers of the sort that publish these cartoons cannot print cusses, as they would cause the heads of their elderly subscribers to explode, but since I write for a depraved, godless blog, I can speculate wildly. Is it "motherfucker"? "Shitheel"? "Fuckface"? "Shitgargle?" "Cuntopalooza"? "Sucks"? It's probably "sucks." Did you know that many newspapers won't print the word "sucks"? Anyway, long story short, the Democrats swore, and so they are unfit to govern, so let's give power back to the Republicans, drenched as they are in RINO blood.

But what was it like, for Republicans, in that grim year between the election where the Republicans lost the White House and the glorious day when they captured the governorship in four precent of the states? It was pretty bad! It was pretty much like wandering through a post-apocalyptic hellscape, with ash raining down from the sky -- just like in the much anticipated new film from the Weinstein Company, The Road! Just as Viggo Mortensen and his son must cross a blighted, lifeless landscape in this film (opening November 25), so too must the GOP endure an entire calendar year without control of the levers of power. Fortunately, tiny green shoots are springing forth out of the lifeless dirt. And just when they were starting to enjoy the cannibalism!

In other movie-themed political metaphor news, welcome to the most comically over-labelled cartoon of the week! With the election results witch and the cowardly moderate Democrat lion and the Emerald City of Health Care and the hey hey! My question is, why stop here? Why not include every possible Wizard of Oz character you can think of and glom political labels on them! Like, Joe Biden could be the Scarecrow, and Harry Reid the Tin Man, and Joe Lieberman could be a flying monkey, because of his ugly monkey face! And there could be a field of poppies labelled "filibuster," and Glinda the Good Witch could be Kay Bailey Hutchinson! Come on, are you really committed to this Oz metaphor or not, mister?

Also, the GOP elephant got hit with a dart, in the butt. You know what's funny? When things happen to butts!


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