Hobby Lobby Wants To Craft America A Theocracy Out Of Old Quotes, Popsicle Sticks

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Hobby Lobby is a craft store. Like most craft stores, it sells yarn, it sells painting supplies, it sells needlework supplies, it sells jewelry-making supplies (I assume, I've never actually been in one). Unlike other craft stores, however, it also spends its time making DIY Dead Sea scrolls and trying to exert control over the US government and the citizenry thereof. Michael's has not been known to pull any of that shit.

This July 4, Hobby Lobby took out a ginormous ad in newspapers across America, featuring a photograph of a child running through a field, wrapped in a flag. Though only the child's back is visible, it is probably safe to assume that he or she is also carrying a cross.

Next to the picture, in large text, it says "ONE NATION UNDER GOD" and beneath the picture, it reads "Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord," a phrase which seems to imply a polytheistic worldview and the option to have a God who is not the "Lord." Does this mean that there are multiple God options and that one could have a nation whose God is a Duke or an Earl or even the Duke of Earl?


Beneath the picture are a bunch of quotes from old white men from the 1700s talking about how much they love God, in a manner meant to imply that the United States is supposed to be a theocracy.

This is the part where I'm supposed to bust out the "Treaty of Tripoli," right?

As the government of the United States of America is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion,-as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion or tranquility of Musselmen,-and as the said States never have entered into any war or act of hostility against any Mehomitan nation, it is declared by the parties that no pretext arising from religious opinions shall ever produce an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries.

Or the part where I produce an equal number of quotes from "Founding Fathers" opposing the idea of a state religion? This is very easy to do, as there are a lot of those quotes. I could start explaining that most of the "Founding Fathers" were Deists and not Hobby Lobby-style Christians, and that even if they were, their personal religious beliefs never made it into the Constitution. We all know this tack by heart because most of us have had to do it at some point or another when confronted by someone who would just really, really prefer it if they got to live in a theocracy.

So let's not and say we did.

What I will say, however, is that for people who are very fond of both the Founding Fathers and the Bible, they must think those dudes were beyond incompetent. I mean, they spent months hashing out the Constitution, right? Going into great detail about how the country should function and what the government's role was? And that was just the first part, not including any of the Amendments, which they also spent months hashing out.

We are to believe, as per Hobby Lobby, that these incredibly devout men who definitely wanted the United States to be a theocracy, to be governed by the Bible, for all citizenry to be Christian or at least required to behave as if they are, just left that shit out? They just figured it would be implied, despite the fact that they started out the First Amendment with the words "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion ..."

If they are that incompetent, then why should we listen to anything they had to say? Really. Who the hell establishes a theocratic government without telling anyone about it or even bothering to put that in writing? Does Hobby Lobby sell model train building sets without instructions? Probably not!

It is entirely understandable that the Hobby Lobby people want to live in a Christian nation, just like I'd probably prefer to live in a nation where I didn't have to deal with people trying to force their religion on me. The problem is that they want that Christian nation to be this nation, a nation with other people in it who don't necessarily want to live in a theocracy. So perhaps they should stop wasting their time and money on that kind of ridiculous ad space and instead spend it on either learning how to deal with that or figuring out how to get to the moon, a la Jeff Bezos, so they can establish the theocratic nation of their dreams there.

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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