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The internet said Michael Cohen's testimony before the House Oversight Committee would be 'SPLOSIVE, and the internet was for once correct! Cohen came not to offer a different take on Donald Trump and his presidency, but to beat Trump about the face with a shovel, make Trump dig his own grave with the shovel (it's a special shovel with little handlebars made for fun-sized hands), and then say fuck it and shoot Trump into space instead. It's going to be amazing to watch Republicans trying to make excuses for Trump after this, but we have a feeling they'll stay calm and protect President Crime Boss.

Cohen's opening statement hit the Twitter late last night, and it is at once HOLYSHIT mindblowing, yet also just confirmation of all the worst we know and assume about Trump. Here is the thesis statement he will deliver, which breaks some WHOA IF TRUE breaking news:

Racist? DUH. Conman? THE FUCK YOU SAY. Cheat? Yeah, let's get to the O RLY, TRUMP HAD CRIMINAL KNOWLEDGE OF THE WIKILEAKS DROPS IN THE SUMMER?


Michael Cohen says he does, and if that can be proven, then holy shit, and not only because it would support the version of events we always assumed went down, which is that Trump, the crime boss, was always kept in the loop about what his underlings were doing. Cohen gives more details about the speaker phone call with Roger Stone and Trump he allegedly witnessed.

In Cohen's statement, he also says he's pretty damn sure Trump was aware of his son Don Jr.'s June 2016 Trump Tower treason meeting with the Russians, again because Daddy always gets told what's happening. Read this whole entire thing:

HUH.

Also, our favorite part about that is where Cohen says Junior is stupid and that Junior's dad always says Junior's stupid. Hi, Junior! Remember that time your daddy loved you? Nope, us neither!

We should quickly note that Trump told Robert Mueller in his written book report, "If I Treasoned," that he was not aware of the WikiLeaks dumps, and he was not aware of Junior's Trump Tower meeting. We always assumed those were lies, and here's Michael Cohen saying we are correct. How many crimes can Donald Trump commit in one Michael Cohen opening statement? ALL OF THEM KATIE.

As we mentioned yesterday, Cohen will be bringing receipts to the committee, in order to bolster his own credibility with members who don't want to believe him, since we are dealing with a man who pleaded guilty to lying to Congress. (Remember, of course, that his lies revolved around saying "Donald Trump is not a crook" and note that that is what GOP committee members will tie themselves in knots to remind everyone today.)

He'll be bringing this check, written to him in 2017 when Trump was president from Trump's own personal account, which Cohen says was part of Trump's reimbursement for Cohen using his own money to do porn payoffs to Stormy Daniels, which Cohen has already pleaded guilty to and told the court that he did so at the direction of "Individual-1," AKA Donald Trump.

Oh, but it gets better! Because Cohen will also reportedly bring copies of checks for the same purpose signed by Donald Trump Jr. and Trump Organization CFO Allen Weisselberg, who, if you will remember, was granted immunity and has been cooperating with investigators. To be clear, this is Cohen very loudly saying before Congress and the world that the president of the United States is a common criminal. And this stuff is from his guilty plea in the Southern District of New York, which means SDNY lawyers have fact-checked it. CAN'T CALL HIM A LIAR FOR THIS ONE, ASSHOLES.

Here's Trump in the Oval Office reassuring Cohen that "Individual-1" will get those crime checks to him ASAP:

Cohen says his "greatest regret" about that whole series of porn payoff crimes is that he also lied to the First Lady for "Individual-1." She didn't deserve that.

Cohen says he'll also bring Trump financial statements to show how much Trump lies about his wealth, plus evidence of a fucked up scheme where Cohen, at Trump's bidding, arranged a straw bidder for a portrait of Trump, then they reimbursed the bidder out of the TRUMP CHARITABLE FOUNDATION'S funds, and Trump kept the portrait for himself, because of course he did. Just look at this shit:

Oh, and here's a SCOOP about what a braindead dimwit Donald Trump is:

LOL OMG HOW BAD WERE HIS GRADES? Like, we know Donald Trump is the stupidest person ever to serve as a president, and also the stupidest person ever to live, but HOW BAD WERE THEY? America would like to know! (Cohen points out that, of course, this sure is funny considering how Trump went after Barack Obama for not releasing his grades. As with everything else with Trump, if he's screaming about something, HE'S PROJECTING.)

Cohen clears up a lot of the confusion over whether Trump literally told him to lie to Congress (like BuzzFeed said) or whether it wasn't quite like that but we're not gonna tell you why it's different and we're just gonna be generally cagey about all this shit (like Robert Mueller's office said). The answer is that Trump told him to lie -- except for how ... well ... here, let Cohen explain it:

In other words, if Obama was doing "wire tapps" to Donald Trump -- or if Cohen taped it -- you'd never find a transcript where Trump says, "PLEASE LIE." You'd find a transcript of Trump stating obvious lies in an eerie tone of voice, as a way of reminding his minions what lies they're supposed to tell. It actually makes all the sense in the world, knowing Trump's low-rent crime boss personality.

Oh, one more detail about that whole "Cohen lies to Congress about the Moscow Trump Tower project" thingie:

You know, in case you were wondering if Individual-1 was the only person criminally implicated in Cohen's testimony. (For the record, that would probably be some combination of John Dowd and/or Ty Cobb, if we are guessing correctly. Remember those fucking clowns?)

(By the way, Rudy Giuliani also comes in for scorn, as Cohen repeatedly calls him Trump's "TV lawyer." Cohen has apparently been taking #shade lessons from Maxine Waters.)

The entire opening statement is worth your reading, if you somehow just woke up from a years-long nap and haven't been on Twitter since last night. Cohen sheds light on Trump's vicious racism -- including anecdotes about Trump saying there's no such a thing as a country that isn't a "shithole" that's run by a black person, when Barack Obama was president -- and on the possibility that OH BY THE WAY, Trump probably lied about having bone spurs to get out of Vietnam.

(Speaking of Vietnam, hey, Donald! How you livin' over there 12 hours ahead of America? We hear you're staying up all night to watch Cohen and that this is going to absolutely RUIN your lovefest with the two-bit dictator who murders his family. POOR YOU!)

Finally, before we get going, here is what Cohen really thinks about Donald J. Trump, the man he worked so many years for, and about his campaign. He says Trump never wanted to "make America great again," but rather ran to do that for his brand, and that he never expected to win any of this shit. There's some argument on the internet right now about whether this is really the whole story, and we suspect it's a bit more complicated than Cohen presents here -- you can simultaneously not expect to win, yet still be willing to do EXTREMELY SKEEVY SHIT, including committing crimes and conspiring with hostile foreign powers to try to win nonetheless -- but here it is:


There's a lot that's not covered in the statement, which is notable. Maybe it's because of the constraints of the allowed subject matter for the hearing, maybe it's just because he's not ready yet, but he's still not telling the whole story.

Oh, by the way, you should know that today is probably going to be a procedural SHITSHOW, there will be FIGHTS, and you're going to hear the roll called a lot. Why? Click here so Wonkette doesn't have to explain details beyond "Jim Jordan is the ranking remember of the committee, so obviously it will be an unprofessional cowfucking bonanza, with Jim Jordan playing the part of cowfucker-in-chief." Or when Five Dollar Feminist decides to do just that, we'll tell you.

Shall we watch the shitshow? WE SHALL.

LIVE: Michael Cohen testifies before House Oversight Cmte (C-SPAN) www.youtube.com

10:05: Good morning! We have begun and Rep. Mark Meadows (R-Dipshit) is already pulling procedural shit about how they didn't get Cohen's opening testimony in time, blah blah blah.

10:09: We've already had our first roll call vote. There will be MANY. And now Elijah Cummings is giving his opening statement!

10:14: Cummings just listing ALL the times Trump lied about not knowing anything about his illegal porn payoffs. Hey, remember that time he stood on Air Force One and lied to everybody's faces, the same way he does about everything every single day of his life?

10:16: Cummings notes that if Cohen lies today, Cummings will refer those lies to the DoJ for MORE PROSECUTION. Because yes, Jim Jordan and Republicans, we fucking agree that Trump assholes should not lie to Congress! We actually believe it about ALL OF THEM, not just the ones the GOP is currently mad at because they're coming clean about President Shitknob!

10:19: HOORAY, it is time for ranking member Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio State Sex Scandals). He is GRRR ARGH that we are interviewing Michael Cohen, because Michael Cohen lied to Congress, and that is just not fair! Elijah Cummings should be FOR SHAMED! What if he tells the truth this time?! WHAT IF HE DOES THAT?! It could irreparably damage the presidency of the Russian agent Jim Jordan swore an oath to protect and serve!

10:22: Um, Jim Jordan is barking words about Tom Steyer or something? Also, Jordan is saying GLENN SIMPSON FAKE DOSSIER CHRISTOPHER STEELE SPYGATE PIZZAGATE LANNY DAVIS blah blah blah, this man should be in prison, ALLEGEDLY.

10:26: NO LIES THIS TIME, SUGAR BRITCHES!

Cohen giving his opening statement now. Read along here! Or above! Or wherever!

10:34: Cohen is super proud of how all his kids' friends used him as their "fixer," we mean "emergency contact," because we guess if they got drunk at a party, "Individual-1" would just direct Cohen to give a porn star $130,000 to get her to stay quiet about how they got drunk at the party.

WONKETTE JOKE.

10:36: A good thing to remember as we wait for Republicans to yell at Cohen is that he was a co-chair of the RNC finance committee, you know, over there with Ronna ROMNEY McDaniel. That's the guy Republicans are going to yell at, for lying and saying Donald Trump is not a criminal.

Man, it must be fun to be a Republican today!

10:39: Hey, wanna look at some Trump financial statements? Here's some!

Cohen now at the part of his opening statement about how Roger Stone told Trump before the Democratic Convention that he had talked to Julian Assange and that there was about to be a BIG EMAIL DUMP to hurt Hillary Clinton. Trump was very excited about that.

Oh, and Cohen just said "shithole" in Congress! Two times!

10:45: History made! Michael Cohen has officially called Donald Trump a giant fucking criminal, right to Congress's face. That's right, the president is a criminal. What is Congress going to do about it?

10:46: "MIS-TURRRR TWUMP! MIS-TURRRR TWUMP!" Jeez, dude, you are going to prison and calling him a criminal, you can stop with the respectful titles already.

10:47: Cohen now talking about how Trump directed him to make threats to all his schools not to release his grades or SAT scores. We ask again HOW LOW WERE THEY?

LOL we bet Trump's SAT scores look like a common ACT score, fuckin' stupid dumb idiot.

10:50: YAY! Cohen just reached the point where he talks about how Trump probably knew about Don Jr.'s Trump Tower Treason Meeting, and manages to call Junior a moron like eight times in three sentences!

media1.giphy.com

10:56: OPENING STATEMENT OVER! Let's get some more dirty details from this ding-dong!

CUMMINGS: You are a lawyer, right, Mr. Cohen?

COHEN: Um well like as of yesterday?

CUMMINGS: Your sob story about getting disbarred yesterday is not the point of my questioning.

10:59: Cohen tells Elijah Cummings that Donald Trump was in on every single twist and turn of the porn payoff to Stormy Daniels, and that Trump Organization CFO Allen Weisselberg was in on all of it too. Guess it's good old Allen got some immunity for his-self!

11:01: Cummings now discussing the reimbursement checks to Cohen, which Trump was signing after he allegedly gave up control of his businesses. Oh, and this one, signed by Donald Trump Jr. and Allen Weisselberg.

CUMMINGS: So this definitely wasn't part of a "retainer agreement," like Trump and his people have lied constantly?

COHEN: There was no retainer agreement.

11:02: Jim Jordan begins by ... reading the transcript of that time Michael Cohen threatened a Daily Beast reporter for Donald Trump.

Um, Jimbo? You should try to do things that help YOUR side, not OURS.

11:05: Jim Jordan has successfully established that Michael Cohen committed other crimes besides crimes to help Donald Trump. Hate to tell you, Jim, but we knew that.

11:08: Now there is a back-and-forth over whether Michael Cohen really really really wanted to work at the White House, and honestly, we don't believe Cohen when he says he was like "I DON'T GIVE A CARE" about that. Jim Jordan hasn't actually proven a point here, but whatever. Says Cohen is just like ANDREW MCCABE and JAMES COMEY and HILLARY PIZZA BENGHAZI URANIUM!

You guys, Jim Jordan thinks he is PRETTY smart.

11:11: DEBBIE WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: If the entire Trump family was in on the Trump Tower Moscow deal, does that mean his entire family could be compromised by Russia?

COHEN: Ayup!

11:14: WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Are you aware of Trump signaling WikiLeaks to start dropping on the day his "Access Hollywood" tape came out?

COHEN: I dunno, I was in Prague the whole time. I MEAN LONDON!

WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Would Trump collude with a hostile foreign power to win an election?

COHEN: Gonna say lots of words, then settle on uh yeah, probably.

11:16: COHEN: "Mist-urrr Twump's desire to win would have him work with ANYONE." (As we said above, there's complexity in the "Trump didn't think he would win" vs. "Trump would do anything to win, though" thing. It's not really a conflict, though.)

Let's see, which Republican idiot gets to go next? Um, it is some dipshit named Mark Green from one of the stupid districts of our home state of Tennessee. Are we bored by him? Yes.

He is going to prove that Michael Cohen committed some other crimes that weren't even about Donald Trump, and if Mr. Green needs, he is welcome to use this Wonkette post and this Wonkette post as references because OMFG YOU FUCKING IDIOTS HAVE NOTHING.

GREEN: "He's a fake witness!"

LOLOLOLOL OK.

11:22: Democratic Rep. Carolyn Maloney clarifies that Donald Trump controls everything that goes on at the Trump Organization, including all the crimes. Cohen says YEP YEP. Maloney is like "cool" and asks Cohen how many total lady payoffs there are. Cohen doesn't know, but definitely knows about the two he pleaded guilty to!

(Somebody should ask Trump lawyer Marc Kasowitz. According to Michael Wolff's book, Steve Bannon said there were like a HUNNERD of 'em.)

11:27: Hey, you guys remember Congressman CUMMER of Kentucky, who was such a fuckin' idiot in the Peter Strzok hearings? HE'S BACK!

Mister KENTUCKY FRIED CUMMER is going to prove that Michael Cohen committed some crimes, therefore FAKE WITNESS.

11:31: Michael Cohen just said, "SHAME ON YOU, MISTER JORDAN," because surprise, Jim Jordan is being a dishonest piece of catshit.

11:36: We feel like next time the GOP is faced with the question of "Should Jim Jordan get a leadership position," they should probably do the opposite of what they did last time.

11:38: You guys, Mark Meadows brought Lynne Patton, the event planner Trump put in charge of New York public housing, to say SHUT UP, MICHAEL COHEN, DONALD TRUMP THE OBVIOUS RACIST IS NOT A RACIST.

No for real, his point is Donald Trump has a black friend.

Otherwise, Meadows's plan is just to scream incoherent words, because he is the "brains" of this operation.

11:43: Democratic Rep. Lacy Clay would like to talk about how Donald Trump lies about his wealth constantly.

CLAY: He full of shit?

COHEN: About every bit of it.

CLAY: He lie about how rich he is?

COHEN: Duh.

CLAY: He direct you to lie about how rich he is?

COHEN: Me and also cooperating witness Allen Weisselberg. Have you heard about that sad loser always begging and lying to get on the Forbes 400 list? Lemme tell you about that loser.

11:49: CLAY: To be clear, has Donald Trump ever lied about his wealth TO BANKS?

COHEN: To be clear, those docs I gave you? He gave them to Deutsche Bank when he was trying to buy the Buffalo Bills.

Now Mark Meadows is entering shit into the record, because that is important stuff, and he wants to refer Cohen for some more crimes.

11:51: Time for Jody Hice, Republican idiot of Georgia! He opens with "Michael Cohen is a liar."

HICE: Did the bad Democrat Party tell you what to say today?

COHEN: I prepared with my counsel. I talked to Chairman Cummings, because in case you have not heard, they invited me here today. That usually requires TALKING.

HICE: I think my questions are good.

COHEN: Usually I am the dumbest one in the room!

HICE: Tom Steyer!

COHEN: What?

HICE: Who is paying Lanny Davis to be your lawyer?

COHEN: Nobody right now! At least I hope so, because I ain't got no moneys no more.

HICE: Doubt it! Georgia man doubts it!

The Republicans only get dumber from here, y'all.

11:54: HICE: Elijah Cummings said we are gonna find the truth. Yet, YEW ARE A LAHR! It's a outrage!

11:56: Democratic Rep. Stephen Lynch begins by openly LOLing at the Republicans for crying about liars, since about 500,000 Trump people have pleaded or been found guilty of lying to the FBI and to Congress, yet the GOP's not too concerned about that, ARE THEY?

11:58: LYNCH: To be clear, which Trump children were involved in the Trump Tower Moscow thing, besides Individual-1?

COHEN: I-V-A-N-K-A and D-I-P-S-H-I-T.

12:00: Cohen reminds all the Republicans yapping about his lying that he brought THESE DOCUMENTS, YOU IDIOTS.

Lynch finishes by stating the obvious truth that what the GOP is actually scared of is Cohen telling the truth.

Jim Jordan responds, "JAMES COMEY JIM BAKER LISA PAGE SEXTING PETER STRZOK HILLARY HUMA ABEDIN ROD ROSENSTEIN PIZZA PIZZA PIZZA PIZZA 25TH AMENDMENT, I'M JIM JORDAN AND I'M IGNORING WRESTLERS GETTING SEXUALLY ABUSED RIGHT NOW, ALLEGEDLY!"

12:03: LOL you guys, the GOP brought a visual aid.

And GOP Rep. Paul Gosar says he doesn't know why Michael Cohen says his kids' friends would call him at three in the morning, PAUL GOSAR would never call Michael Cohen at three in the morning.

For the record, at three in the morning, Paul Gosar, the congressdentist whose entire family did an ad against his reelection, is probably dreaming about chemtrails and about how may George Soros did the Charlottesville Nazi rally as a false flag.

12:07: DEMOCRATIC REP. JIM COOPER: What advice do you have for children thinking of one day growing up to get disbarred and go to prison for committing crimes as Donald Trump's personal lawyer?

COHEN: Don't do drugs, kids!

12:09: Cohen says Trump totally not kidding when he says things like (paraphrase) how he could rape puppies in the middle of Broadway ("shoot somebody in the middle of Fifth Avenue," FINE, THAT IS MORE ACCURATE) and not lose any support.

COOPER: Ever seen Trump threaten anybody with physical harm?

COHEN: The mafia don doesn't do that personally, congressman.

12:13: And we are on a break! Michael Cohen has to pee, we guess. OR IS HE JUST SAYING THAT TO PROTECT INDIVIDUAL-1?

He's holding up well.

12:23: It's almost back, but here is a video of a very important moment:

"I used to be you. I was that idiot. Now I am not like you. But you will one day be like me."

12:26: GOP Rep. Virginia Foxx: I HAVE HEARD YOU ARE A LAHR.

She is making Cohen promise he will never pursue a book deal or a movie deal or a political commentary position after this is all over. He's not taking any of her bait.

Virginia Foxx has just wasted several minutes of every person on this planet's life.

12:29: JIM JORDAN: "WAAAAAAAAH WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL BUZZFEED A LIAR WHEN BUZZFEED WAS A LIAR????????"

Cohen notes that it is not his responsibility to correct every lie told by Donald Trump or anybody else. (Also he clarified that whole BuzzFeed "Trump told Cohen to lie" thing in his opening statement. SEE ABOVE, JIM FUCKING JORDAN.)

Cohen also addresses all the GOP assholes in one fell swoop: "Not one question so far [from the GOP] has been asked about President Trump. That's why I thought I was coming here today."

12:35: Democratic Rep. Gerry Connolly just wants to know why Michael Cohen met with Trump and lawyer idiot Jay Sekulow in the White House in May 2017 before Cohen testified before the House Intel Committee. Cohen cannot remember exactly but will try to find out, but he does remember that Trump wanted him to say NO COLLUSION and WITCH HUNT, because that's what Trump always wanted Choen to say.

12:36: Rep. Thomas Massie (a dumb Republican) is parsing the difference between Donald Trump TELLING Cohen to do things, and Cohen doing things because Trump simply WINKED at him, or because Cohen knew Trump would have winked if hadn't been too busy grabbing puss to look at Cohen and WINK. Really good quality stuff, folks.

12:38: Why is every Republican congressman so goddanged PRETTY?

12:40: Rep. Massie has a point to make, and it is that Michael Cohen is a bad lawyer. Has he been reading Wonkette or something?

12:43: REPRESENTATIVE CLAY HIGGINS OF LOO-SIANA HAS A QUESTION, MISTER COHEN!

HIGGINS: You said yore documents you brought today came from boxes! Where the boxes? Are they in the gaaaa-rage?

COHEN: Um, at my house?

HIGGINS: Shouldn't you give the boxes to the PO-lice?

COHEN: I did? They gave them back?

HIGGINS: Why didn't you give 'em the boxes from the gaaaaa-rage, Mister Cohen!

COHEN: The congressman is too stupid, Chairman Cummings, can we try somebody else?

12:46: Democratic Rep. Raja Krishnamoorthi just for curious if Cohen knows if Trump has ever done drugs or paid for one million abortions. Cohen says he ain't know.

12:50: GOP reps are SUPER upset that Michael Cohen might get a book deal or be able to make a living later in life. Dipshit Rep. Michael Cloud of Texas asks if Cohen will promise to give any proceeds from anything like that to charity. Cohen: "NOPE."

Seriously, dude, go fuck yourself.

Meanwhile, Chris Christie has thoughts:

Good point, Chris Christie. It's because Trump is indefensible.

12:52: Dem Rep. Jamie Raskin: "My colleagues are not upset you lied to Congress for the president. They're upset you stopped lying to Congress for the president."

12:55: RASKIN: Are these the only times Trump has paid off women or bought people's silence?

COHEN: These are the only times I know of that Trump has paid.

You see what he is saying there? We see what he is saying there.

Cohen also says not every payoff involving Trump is about women, to which we reply ??????

(It's probably just other common bribery and payoffs, etc.)

12:59: Rep. Glenn Grothman (R-nitwit) is very offended by Cohen's suggestion in his opening statement that Trump wanted to run for president for any reason besides his obvious love and patriotism for Mother Russia AMERICA.

Grothman yields to Jim Jordan, who then yields to SCREAMY MARK MEADOWS. Maybe Jim Jordan saw Wonkette's mean tweets about how bad he is at his job and has decided to STFU for a bit.

Meadows is just SUPER obsessed wtih getting Cohen on FARA violations. Dunno why, but as we may have noted, the GOP has no play here.

1:05: Meadows is REALLY flailing here. Maybe he should try his "Trump has a black friend" thing again, that was weird.

1:06: New Dem. Rep. Harley Rouda going at Cohen HARD over Trump's lies about his connections to Cohen's childhood buddy and convicted Russian mobster Felix Sater. Would the guy who used to sit in Harley Rouda's seat have done that? NO, because that was Russian agent Dana Rohrabacher!

Anyway, Cohen notes that Trump's lies about "I don't know her" re: Sater are pretty funny, since Sater's office in Trump Tower was on THE SAME FLOOR AS TRUMP'S OFFICE. In fact, it's the office Cohen moved into!

1:10: Hey you guys, breaking news, Mark Meadows is too stupid to even accuse convicted criminals of crime correctly:

1:12: GOP REP. JUSTIN AMASH, with an actual good question!

AMASH: What truth that you know does Trump fear the most?

Cohen gets this look on his face like "holy shit there are so many, how would I fucking know?"

In short, he does not answer.

1:15: New Dem Rep. Katie Hill brings the receipts we just posted above about how Mark Meadows is full of shit. She says please check, Michael Cohen, to make sure you got your Truth in Testimony thing right, OK? OK.

HILL: Let's talk about Trump's crimes. I sure hope the actual president of the United States isn't committing crimes in the Oval Office. Is he?

COHEN: Yes.

HILL: Fiddlesticks!

Cohen is just telling Hill about all the times Trump directed Cohen to do porn payoffs and did reimbursements while he was president as part of that criminal scheme and directed Cohen to lie as part of that criminal scheme, etc. THERE IS A FUCKING CRIMINAL IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

1:21: This is GOP Rep. Bob Gibbs. He, like so many others, is very hurt in his heart by Michael Cohen's suggestion that President White Supremacist Who Sees Good People On The Nazi Side In Charlottesville is ... a RACIST????

Cohen's response to Gibbs is "LOL motherfucker you have met Donald Trump like one time and he does not even remember you. I KNOW HIM. Not you."

Gibbs yields to Jim Jordan, who is so stupid he doesn't even know that Michael Cohen started the Trump campaign. Jesus Christ, GOP, this is literally the best you got?

1:26: Dem Rep. John Sarbanes of Maryland really wants some clarification on exactly which lawyers at the White House reviewed Cohen's earlier lie testimony to Congress. (WE DO TOO!) Cohen is not totally sure, but mentions that Javanka's lawyer Abbe Lowell looked at it, he is pretty sure.

1:29: Michael Cohen is not real sure which crimes the Trump Inaugural Committee did, because he was not on that crime committee.

1:31: UH OH MISTER HIGGINS FROM LOO-SIANA WANTS TO KNOW WHERE MICHAEL COHEN'S BOXES ARE AGAIN! GOOD SIR, WHERE ARE THEY!

Cohen tries to explain Higgins again that the boxes have been returned to him by the feds, but yet again, the congressman is far too stupid.

HIGGINS: YOU ARE JUST TRYIN' TO BE FAMOUS!

COHEN: I've been going on TV since 2011.

HIGGINS: WELL MISTER HIGGINS HAS NEVER HEARD OF YA, GOOD SIR!

1:37: Dem Rep. Peter Welch of Virginia is just clarifying FOR EXTRA CERTAIN that Cohen is saying that Donald Trump knew WikiLeaks was about to fuck up the DNC before it happened, because that implies criminal knowledge, and that Trump has been totally lying about his contracts with Roger Stone.

Cohen confirms that yeah, this happened, it happened on speaker phone, and that Trump assistant Rhona Graff yelled out, "ROGER'S ON LINE ONE!"

1:39: WELCH: What other times did National Enquirer publisher David Pecker step in to buy stories to kill them for Trump?

COHEN: Oh, you want a list? Remember the love-child thing? Lotsa stuff!

1:42: REP. RALPH NORMAN (GOP-SMART): Mr. Cohen, you hae committed other crimes before.

COHEN: Yes.

NORMAN: No further questions, your Honor!

1:43: NORMAN: You ever record any other clients?

COHEN: Um, probably.

LOL so ... Cohen only had three clients. So does he have recordings of Elliott Broidy, SEAN HANNITY, or both?

1:46: FINALLY, Prague comes up. Cohen still says he's never been there.

1:49: Wow, long weird exchange with Dem Rep. Jackie Speier about an alleged tape that possibly exists but Cohen says probably doesn't of Trump allegedly hitting Melania, and just WOW WOW WOW. But for real, Cohen says he doesn't think that one is real.

What about a lovechild? Nope, says Cohen TO HIS KNOWLEDGE.

How many times has Trump asked Cohen to threaten somebody for him? Cohen says probably at least 500 times.

Also, LORDY COHEN WILL GIVE YOU ALL HIS TAPES!

1:53: Some freshman Republican asshole named Carol Miller is APPALLED by this hearing APPALLED SHE TELLS YOU blah blah blah, we are bored. Also she wants WALL. And she's super mad Michael Cohen might write a book. Thank you and she yields the remainder of her time to JIM JORDAN WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

1:57: Jim Jordan wants to know about the alleged elevator tape of Trump hitting Melania that Michael Cohen says probably does not exist. (It could exist, but Wonkette would also note that to strike a woman, Trump's little bitty paws would have to somehow be able to strike beyond the mountainous curves of his voluminous meat body. Science, could you weigh in on is this possible?)

1:58: Cohen says he did this screwy home equity line of credit thing to pay off Stormy Daniels because he didn't want HIS OWN WIFE to know what dirty work he was doing for Trump. He also clarifies that they didn't use Trump's accounts, because Trump didn't want it traceable to him. And can this be corroborated? Bet your ass!

2:01: DEM REP. ROBIN KELLY: Why were you reimbursed more than $130,000 for Stormy Daniels?

COHEN: Because New York taxes SUCK and I was supposed to get my full $130K back.

KELLY: And why was it broken up over time in installments?

COHEN: Well I wanted it all at once, but that was to hide the payment and make it look like a retainer. We were committing a crime, you see.

KELLY: Did Trump know about this?

COHEN: He knew everything. "Everything had to go through Mr. Trump and had to be approved by Mr. Trump."

KELLY: And you're going to prison

COHEN: And he's not.

2:10: Dem. Rep. Mark DeSaulnier trying to nail Cohen on why exactly the Moscow Trump Tower project ended. Cohen says it's because Trump won the presidency.

We still want to know why all the Russia trips were suddenly canceled in summer 2016, TBH.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, if you're reading, add to yr questions!

2:15: Very stupid new Republican Rep. Greg Steube is trying to throw into question whether the payments from Trump to Cohen were reimbursement for Stormy Daniels. Apparently Mr. Steube has not heard that the SOUTHERN DISTRICT OF FUCKING NEW YORK HAS ESTABLISHED THIS FACT. Also, there are other ways to corroborate that, also too!

God, new Republican congressmen are stupider than old ones.

2:20: Dem Rep. Brenda Lawrence of Michigan, a black lady, was NOT amused by Mark Meadows's little stunt with Trump's black friend trying to act like her experience with Trump was somehow representative of Trump's treatment of black people throughout his life.

Lawrence's questioning then turned to all the witness tampering from Trump and Giuliani and the threats Cohen's family has faced as a consequence of his cooperating and telling the truth.

2:28: This is Rep. Chip Roy of Texas. He is a Republican and we are pretty sure he is about to cry about MS13 or something, and we think he may have accused Michael Cohen of giving him cancer in 2011. He is A IDIOT.

He is very mad about this CHARADE and says he's pretty sure the "majority of Americans" watching this agree. He's right that the majority of Americans are watching, as we can see from the traffic on this liveblog, HEY-O! If you're new, by the way, you should know that we are 100 percent funded by readers, so if you love us for doing this, hit the donate buttons below!

2:31: Also, this is Del. Stacey Plaskett, Democrat of the US Virgin Islands, who would like to note that she is sorry SOME MEMBERS OF CONGRESS have been threatening Cohen on Twitter, and to remind everybody that Michael Cohen is the former FINANCE CO-CHAIR OF THE RNC.

2:33: Hey, you guys, it is break time! Elijah Cummings says it will probably be about an hour! Also, after that, there aren't that many more questioners, but they are Rashida Tlaib and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Ayanna Pressley, so you'll want to make sure you are here. Now would be a good moment for you to go pee and eat a food and click the donation buttons below, because Wonkette loves you!

Also a good moment for you to go HERE and read FDF, and then come back again for MOAR SHITSHOW!

4:04: Hey, we are still ON A BREAK!

But if you need something to do, enjoy some hilarious tweets!

Oh ... bless his heart.

And finally ...

BACK SOON!

4:24: OK, kids, we're almost back, get ready!

4:30: Elijah Cummings begins by allowing MIchael Cohen to clarify issues with foreign disclosures in his Truth in Testimony form, the thing Mark Meadows was bellyaching about. Cohen clarifies that according to the form and according to his lawyers, he's disclosed what he needs to, but if they want more, they can have more. Mark Meadows responds by being full of wet badger shit, but don't worry, this time he didn't feel the need to use a black woman as a prop.

Questioning recommences with Democratic Rep. Ro Khanna.

4:34: Cohen re-explains to Khanna the illegal scheme they cooked up to reimburse Cohen for committing campaign finance crimes at the direction of Individual-1, in collusion with Trump Organization CFO Allen Weisselberg and Donald Trump Jr.

By the by, we've been saying Allen Weisselberg has been cooperating forever, but there's some reporting out there today that says maybe not, in which case Weisselberg is a bigger fucking idiot than we ever imagined.

4:37: Democratic Rep. Jimmy Gomez asks Cohen why Trump hasn't released his tax returns. Cohen MAKES SOME NEWS, saying Trump basically told him he doesn't want "think tanks" to comb apart his taxes and find bad things, which might subject him to audits, etc.

WAIT, WE THOUGHT TRUMP WAS UNDER AUDIT RIGHT NOW AND AT ALL TIMES SINCE FOREVER!

4:41: Now Mark Meadows is reading mean things people said on Twitter about Michael Cohen into the record, suggesting that Cohen DID TOO want a job in the White House, despite what he says today. And Jim Jordan has an article he'd like added into the record. And Clay Higgins of LOO-ZANER would like unanimous consent to find out WHAR BOXES!

AOC TIME!

4:44: AOC would like to know about the "treasure trove" that allegedly used to sit in a safe at David Pecker's AMI/National Enquirer of all of Trump's dirty secrets. Does it still exist?

Cohen does not know, but suggests Congress please ask David Pecker, Barry Levine, and Dylan Howard about all those Trump secrets.

AOC is also asking very good questions about Trump lying to inflate/deflate his assets, depending on what's good for him at that moment. AOC is good at Congress.

Ooh, she's even asking about that gi-normous New York Times report on how Trump and his family have been essentially been committing fraud for DECADES. Cohen doesn't know if it's 100 percent accurate, but PLEASE ASK ALLEN WEISSELBERG.

4:48: And here comes Ayanna Pressley! Responding to GOP allegations that Democrats are wasting time when they should be doing other things, Pressley notes that ACTUALLY they just voted for universal background check gun legislation during the break so FUCK YOU.

Then she proceeded to explain "Why Oversight?" Also, this is not "partisanship," it is "patriotism," and also FUCK YOU.

Ayanna Pressley is good at Congress.

And then she talked about Trump Foundation charity fuckery!

Finally, DAMN, Ayanna Pressley asks if a person who led the birther movement and thinks African countries are shitholes and who thinks there were very nice Nzais in Charlottesville STILL BE A RACIST, even if he has a black friend? (Seriously, that was almost her exact wording.)

That sound you hear is Ayanna Pressley's mic slamming onto the ground.

4:56: And finally, Rashida Tlaib is openly calling out Mark Meadows for using Lynne Patton, a black woman, as a prop, and Mark Meadows is FUCKING MAD and trying to get her words struck from the record. FUCK YES.

Also she asked if Michael Cohen thinks Individual-1 even gives a shit about America and he says nah.

Asked if she wants to amend her statement, Rashida Tlaib merely reads back what the fuck she just said and said if that hurts Mark Meadows's feelings and Meadows feels like she is calling him a racist, she is super sorry not sorry.

4:59: LOL Mark Meadows is gonna cry now. He has nieces and nephews who are people of color! He can't even see Elijah Cummings's color!

He didn't mean anything earlier when he used that black lady as a prop!

5:06: We still haven't heard the whole story on Prague. We are just saying. And we haven't heard the whole story on what happened in June 2016 when all of a sudden the Russia trips planned to advance the Trump Tower Moscow project just stopped.

Anyway, Michael Cohen is doing his own closing statement now. Among other things, he says that if (when) Trump loses in 2020, he doesn't think there will be a peaceful transition of power. We don't think so either, but that's still kind of !!!!!

The rest of his closing statement was basically a full-scale indictment of Trump's entire piece of shit presidency.

5:10: Jim Jordan's closing statement isn't "I'm sorry for ignoring all those Ohio State wrestlers who got molested by the team doc on my watch," so fuck him. And even for Jim Jordan, it's weak sauce and super boring. If Jordan is the best leadership the GOP can come up with ... haha, yeah, he is the best they have, because the GOP is the absolute bottom of the barrel of shithole Americans.

5:18: And finally, closing statement from Cummings!

He says the saddest part of all this is what's happening to Cohen's family because of all this, and the second saddest thing is Donald Trump Jr.'s face, HAHA JUST KIDDING, ELIJAH CUMMINGS DID NOT DROP A RANDOM INSULT ABOUT DONALD TRUMP JR.'S FACE, THAT WAS WONKETTE!

Actually Elijah Cummings's closing statement is extremely nice and heartfelt and we swear, he is DAD-DING Michael Cohen right now, and also doing the same for America.

And he made Michael Cohen cry:

Anyway, we know we asked above, but once again, Wonkette is 100 PERCENT supported by reader donations, so if the tens of thousands of you who have been following along today appreciated this and if you laughed and you are able, PLEASE hit that donation button below to keep us in salaries and healthcare and all that stuff.

And you can be sure we'll be here for the next shitshow!

[Opening statement]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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'George,' by Wonkette Operative 'Nodakastani'

Bet you guys could do with some nice things about now, huh? So let's take a break from the usual grind of horrors and nastiness and look at some less miserable stuff for a while, shall we? Oh indeed we shall.

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I don't quite know how to tell you this, but a group of anti-abortion lunatics are currently urging people to stop immunizing their children on account of the fact that they believe that because some vaccines were made using cell lines from two aborted fetuses back in the 1960s, said vaccines are not only immunizing the world against disease, but against their prayers as well. They claim that were it not for these vaccines unfairly intervening with their plans, they would have overturned Roe v. Wade by now.

The group calls themselves Intercessors for America, and their whole deal is basically that they think prayers are literal magic and that if they pray super hard for leaders to do what they want, all of their wishes will come true. They send out a newsletter filled with extremely specific prayers for various politicians based on what they are doing that day and also have an "interactive prayer wall" on their site, which is actually just a Facebook comment section of some kind where a bunch of people are posting their prayers.

No, I did not press send. Though I was tempted.

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