House GOP Finally Looking Into How Hillary Clinton Did Benghazi, With Her Email

  • At last! Republicans now have the smoking gun that proves Hillary Clinton did Benghazi!!! Except for how they don't and never will, but darn it, they are going to try to find it. Again. Now that they finally have a reason to investigate her. For the first time ever:

    House Speaker John Boehner is expected to announce this week a new investigation into Hillary Clinton's email practices as Secretary of State, including her admission that more than 31,000 emails were destroyed because she determined them to be personal, top House Republicans told ABC News today.

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    Of course you already know what they're hoping to find in those nefarious emails that could be THE KEY TO EVERYTHING:

    A member of the House committee investigating the deadly attacks against Americans in Benghazi, Libya, says Hillary Rodham Clinton's email server could help lawmakers answer vital questions. [...]

    Rep. Susan Brooks of Indiana said in the weekly Republican radio address Saturday that gaining access to Clinton's server is "the only way to truly know" that investigators have obtained all the State Department communications that "rightfully belong to the American people."

    It's not like Republicans haven't already subpoenaed every single email, doodle, and fart of Hillary Clinton's on the subject of BENGHAZI!!!! to prove that she something something, shudder gasp -- who the frick even knows anymore what the conspiracy theory is? But sure, OK, you kids have fun wasting the taxpayers' time and money investigating it all over again, for "the American people," because if you keep digging, eventually you'll ... well, you'll still have nothing, but it's not as if that's ever stopped you before.

  • Saturday night was the annual Gridiron Club Dinner, one of those events where Very Serious Journalists and politicians dress up all fancy and get all cuddly with each other, and no, there's nothing weird or icky or unethical about the Fourth Estate star-fucking the very elected officials they're supposed to be watchdogging AT ALL. Also, as is the custom, the president told some jokes:

    The Democratic Party recently analyzed the midterm elections, and concluded we have to spend more time focused on older white voters — which is why I’m here. (Laughter and applause.)

    Staying focused, moving forward — it’s not always easy in this climate. I mean, you guys are always picking us apart. Recently, I made some comments about the Crusades, and people started blowing it all out of proportion, scrutinizing every single word. What is this, the Spanish Inquisition? (Laughter.)

    And then I got flak for appearing on a video for BuzzFeed, trying to reach younger voters. What nonsense. You know, you don’t diminish your office by taking a selfie. You do it by sending a poorly written letter to Iran. (Laughter and applause.) Really, that wasn’t a joke.

  • Saturday was also Pi Day. And not just any Pi Day -- super duper uber Pi Day:

    Every March 14th, mathematicians like me are prodded out of our burrows like Punxsutawney Phil on Groundhog Day, blinking and bewildered by all the fuss. Yes, it’s Pi Day again. And not just any Pi Day. They’re calling this the Pi Day of the century: 3.14.15. Pi to five digits. A once-in-a-lifetime thing. [...]

    Why do mathematicians care so much about pi? Is it some kind of weird circle fixation? Hardly. The beauty of pi, in part, is that it puts infinity within reach. Even young children get this. The digits of pi never end and never show a pattern. They go on forever, seemingly at random—except that they can’t possibly be random, because they embody the order inherent in a perfect circle. This tension between order and randomness is one of the most tantalizing aspects of pi.

  • Some little boys don't like wearing jeans, and the New York Timesis ON IT:

    Jackson Schad gave up on jeans in kindergarten.

    “They’re really tight, and I just don’t like how they fit on me,” said Jackson, who is 7½ and now in second grade.

    Instead, on any given day, Jackson leaves his Brooklyn home outfitted in sweatpants that are fuzzy and baggy and, compared with denim, “a lot more looser,” he said. His favorite sweats are a red pair that he hikes up with matching suspenders. [...]

    In a sign that America’s embrace of casual wear has trickled down, way down, the nation is now teeming with throngs of little kids in track pants looking as if they just stepped out of an episode of “The Sopranos.”

    The culture of casual has invaded every place from airport runways, where plane cabins are filled with passengers in yoga pants, to fashion runways; Tommy Hilfiger last month offered an athletic-themed line complete with a catwalk designed as a football field.

  • Uh oh. Chocolate could be in danger again:

    Cocoa is unusually susceptible to disease. Every year, a third of the crop is destroyed by fungi and pests with names like "Witches' Broom," "Frosty Pod Rot," and "Vascular-streak dieback."

    A few years ago, one of these cocoa diseases hit Brazil. At the time, "Brazil was one of the world's largest cocoa-producing countries," says Laurent Pipitone of the International Cocoa Organization in London. "When this new disease came, it reduced their production by about half."

    For a while, it looked like there might not be enough cocoa to feed the world's hunger for chocolate.

    Today, global demand is growing fast, says Bill Guyton, president of the World Cocoa Foundation in Washington, D.C. "There's a concern in the future that we may not have enough supply if we don't improve productivity on the existing farms," he says. Europeans and Americans keep eating piles of chocolate, while people in China and India have a growing appetite for it, too.

    So all over the world, cocoa researchers are scrambling to come up with more productive, more disease-resistant plants.

  • Looking for the latest bewb tube shenanigans and snarky recaps of your favorite teevee shows? Go show some love to our gone-but-not-forgotten kid sister Happy Nice Time People. And be sure to follow Happy Nice Time People on Twitter.

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