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It's not like the job is THAT hard


It's hard out there for a Republican member of Congress right now, and not just because everyone in America, including their fellow Republicans, hates their maggot-infested guts. First, John Boehner tells his caucus he is sick of their bullshit, he is outta here, SEE YA WOULDN'T WANNA BE YA. Then his second-in-command, Kevin McCarthy, who doesn't snuggle him nearly as good as that loser Eric Cantor used to, decides he doesn't want the job either. (Cough cough sex scandal cough cough.)

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Already, plenty of other Republicans are insisting nah, man, they don't want the job. Like that wonky Wisconsin boy wonder Paul Ryan, who could magically balance our budget with magic elf farts, if only we'd let him? As flattered as he is that everyone wants to take him to the dance, he is still not interested in being homecoming queen.

And as for the rest of the Republicans? Well, apparently, they are too busy crying like little girls with skinned knees about the TOTAL AND UTTER COLLAPSE OF THEIR PRECIOUS GOP HAHAHAHAHAH.

Dudes! There's no crying in the cloakroom! What are you, a bunch of sissy-pants girly men Democrats or something? Apparently yes, they are. And their party is such a mess, they literally do not know what to do with themselves. Maybe Boehner has the right idea, and it's time for all of them to crawl inside a tanning bed with a bottle of booze, because actually running Congress? It's just so haaaaaaaard, SAD WHINY FROWNY FACE.

While they're sobbing and eating ice cream right from the container, let's see what Democrats have to guffaw about all of this, shall we? Yes, let's!

Mmm, smoothies. It's the healthier alternative to popcorn!

Oh look. Here's a willing volunteer!

That would be newly retired Rep. John Dingell, the longest-serving member of Congress in U.S. history as well as the hands-down best congressional Twitterer in history too. Dingell had heart surgery earlier this week, and he's scheduled for a second surgery, but he's not the type to let a little thing like multiple heart surgeries get in the way of trolling so hard, LIKE A BOSS.

And if they can't find any of their House colleagues willing to take the gig, there's always the Greatest Whitest Great White Savior of the Republican Party:

Or maybe the entire Republican Party should just wipe their snot from their tear-stained faces and admit they are absolutely terrible at this and put the gavel back in the hands of the Democrats, where it belongs.

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Let's take a break from the awful terrible news for a moment and check in with Donald Trump Jr. and his unfortunate face. As you may remember, Junior and his wife Vanessa are getting divorced, probably because Vanessa Trump is tired of waking up from nightmares about being married to a guy with that face and immediately seeing him sleeping next to her in bed with that face just leaving imprints on their nice luxury pillows. And the divorce has apparently been getting DIRTY, because "somebody" has been leaking stories to the New York Post about how Vanessa Trump used to write love letters to her MS-13 boyfriend in jail and Vanessa Trump used to date 9/11 and Vanessa Trump doesn't need any Trump money because she is swimming in Marinara Buck$, and so on and so forth. Who is whispering these Vanessa Trump Secrets in the New York Post's ear? Definitely not Junior!

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House Republicans, apparently trying to remind America that they're capable of bad decisions on so many more issues than just immigration, have offered a bold new plan to balance the federal budget in just nine years, eschewing the usual 10-year timeline more typical of such rightwing wet dreams to prove they're serious this time. And what an exciting name the thing has: It's called "A Brighter American Future," and it offers such fresh new Republican ideas as massive cuts to Medicare, also privatizing Medicare, chopping Medicaid into little bits, and then stomping on the bits -- all assuming that they've, once again, repealed Obamacare.

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