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House Republicans Have Helpful Tips On Correct Way To Be Raped

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Did you know that federal funding is currently not disallowed forsome abortions? It's true! Lucky ladies who have suffered rape, incest, or a threat to their survival are currently the exception and can steal YOUR tax dollars for baby killing. However, House Republicans would like to change this. The "No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act" would protect your (Chinese-loaned) precious federal money from funding these sluts that have subjected themselves to rape. You see, this law would change the rape exception to include only "forcible" rape, a definition that excludes a woman's being drugged or date-raped. The Republican Party would like you to be vigilant: the next time you are raped, make sure you have full mental capacities and have been drugged and make sure the guy is doing it really hard!


Other types of rapes that would no longer be covered by the exemption include rapes in which the woman was drugged or given excessive amounts of alcohol, rapes of women with limited mental capacity, and many date rapes. "There are a lot of aspects of rape that are not included," Levenson says.

As for the incest exception, the bill would only allow federally funded abortions if the woman is under 18.

Oh, and statutory rape. If you have any ideas of other kinds of rape they could carve out of medical protection, please let the Republican Study Committee know! They'd be happy to hear from you. [Mother Jones via The Awl]

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Barack Obama delivered his first major address of his post-presidency Tuesday at an event in Johannesburg, South Africa, honoring the 100th anniversary of Nelson Mandela's birth. It was -- as you'd expect for the occasion -- appropriately dignified and thoughtful. It was also every bit as inspiring as you might expect from the first black American president speaking in memory of the first black president of a nation that for most of its modern history was synonymous with apartheid. Let's take some time to bask in what an actual world leader sounds like, shall we?

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Guess what Vladimir Putin's getting for Christmas! He's been dropping hints, and you know the Big Orange Baboon can't say no to him for some unknown reason. Gonna be so cute when little Vladdy stumbles down the stairs in his PJs, brushes the sleep from his eyes, and finds MONTENEGRO all wrapped up with a big bow under the Christmas tree. Adorbz!

Oh, but we are to kid! Just a little levity as President Treasonweasel slams a sledgehammer into the international framework that kept us out of another world war for the past 70 years. So why are we suddenly talking about a tinyass country whose chief export appears to be consonants? (Sorry, Montenegro. But your Predsjednik Crne Gore is Milo Đukanović, and your capital city is Cetinje, which is just cheating at Scrabble.)

Well! Donald Trump just got out of a two-hour, closed-door meeting with Vladimir Putin, whose government tried to stage a coup in 2016 to assassinate Đukanović and stop Montenegro's accession to the European Union. Which might not be a coincidence!

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