House Republicans Want Second Special Counsel To Investigate ... Oh Fuck It, You Already Know

they're not sending their best people

Donald Trump shit the bed again Tuesday afternoon! (No, we don't mean he was taking an afternoon Executive Time and literally pooped the bed, but maybe he did.) While sitting around shooting the shit with the South Korean president about how maybe he might be washing his flaky orange scalp on the day he's supposed to be in Singapore earning his Nobel Peace Prize by literally believing any lie Kim Jong Un tells him (because he's stupid and gets rolled very easily), Trump weighed in again about how mad he is that there were DEEP SPIES embedded in his campaign (there were not):

“If they had spies in my campaign that would be a disgrace to this country. That would be one of the biggest insults that anyone’s ever seen."

Trump, of course, said "a lot of people are saying" that there were spies in the campaign, which is one of his favorite ways to lie about things he doesn't understand. He added that if there were spies in his campaign (only Russian spies that we know of, Mister President!), that would be totally "illegal" and that compared to that, any other "political event" would be "small potatoes." We don't know what those words even mean, because the president doesn't speak very good English.

In related news, House Republicans have introduced a resolution calling for a second special counsel to investigate ... oh fuck it, you already know what they want. We've heard this song before, quite recently! They want to throw literally any shit at the wall they possibly can, in order to protect their illegitimate president from a very legal investigation into exactly how much his campaign conspired with Russia and a handful of Gulf states to steal the election. They don't mind if his campaign did that because the modern Republican Party is not full of patriots who cherish our American system, but of motherfuckers who only care about winning, no matter the cost.

If you must know exactly what horseshit they want investigated, it is all the spies who were (not) embedded in the Trump campaign and why Hillary Clinton is not IN JAIL and why is everybody investigating Trump for conspiring with a hostile foreign power when Hillary Clinton is not even IN JAIL? Also why did they put a "wire tapp" on Carter Page? It is unfair to put "wire tapps" on people just because they are probably foreign agents for Russia. In addition, the resolution, introduced by wingnut Rep. Lee Zeldin, states that EMAILS PETER STRZOK ANDREW MCCABE JAMES COMEY URANIUM URANIUM URANIUM TARMAC LORETTA LYNCH BILL CLINTON WHITEWATER BENGHAZI FILEGATE PIZZAGATE TRAVELGATE BLOWJOB FUSION GPS LISA PAGE FAKE MOON LANDING FAST AND FURIOUS OBAMA IS BLACK.

Zeldin was joined in announcing his very stupid resolution by the very stupidest members of the House, including Mark Meadows, Louie Gohmert, Ron DeSantis, Jim Jordan, Matt Gaetz, Jody Hice and Claudia "Michele Bachmann" Tenney.

In related news, Rep. Brad Wenstrup went on Fox News on Tuesday to say it's unfair for the Obama Deep State to send spies into the Trump campaign (they did not), just like it was unfair for the FBI to spy on Martin Luther King Jr., because that's the same.

Expect Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein to go ahead and follow these marching orders from House Republicans on the 12th of Fuck You at Eat My Ass O'Clock in the afternoon.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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