they're not sending their best people

Donald Trump shit the bed again Tuesday afternoon! (No, we don't mean he was taking an afternoon Executive Time and literally pooped the bed, but maybe he did.) While sitting around shooting the shit with the South Korean president about how maybe he might be washing his flaky orange scalp on the day he's supposed to be in Singapore earning his Nobel Peace Prize by literally believing any lie Kim Jong Un tells him (because he's stupid and gets rolled very easily), Trump weighed in again about how mad he is that there were DEEP SPIES embedded in his campaign (there were not):

“If they had spies in my campaign that would be a disgrace to this country. That would be one of the biggest insults that anyone’s ever seen."

Trump, of course, said "a lot of people are saying" that there were spies in the campaign, which is one of his favorite ways to lie about things he doesn't understand. He added that if there were spies in his campaign (only Russian spies that we know of, Mister President!), that would be totally "illegal" and that compared to that, any other "political event" would be "small potatoes." We don't know what those words even mean, because the president doesn't speak very good English.

In related news, House Republicans have introduced a resolution calling for a second special counsel to investigate ... oh fuck it, you already know what they want. We've heard this song before, quite recently! They want to throw literally any shit at the wall they possibly can, in order to protect their illegitimate president from a very legal investigation into exactly how much his campaign conspired with Russia and a handful of Gulf states to steal the election. They don't mind if his campaign did that because the modern Republican Party is not full of patriots who cherish our American system, but of motherfuckers who only care about winning, no matter the cost.

If you must know exactly what horseshit they want investigated, it is all the spies who were (not) embedded in the Trump campaign and why Hillary Clinton is not IN JAIL and why is everybody investigating Trump for conspiring with a hostile foreign power when Hillary Clinton is not even IN JAIL? Also why did they put a "wire tapp" on Carter Page? It is unfair to put "wire tapps" on people just because they are probably foreign agents for Russia. In addition, the resolution, introduced by wingnut Rep. Lee Zeldin, states that EMAILS PETER STRZOK ANDREW MCCABE JAMES COMEY URANIUM URANIUM URANIUM TARMAC LORETTA LYNCH BILL CLINTON WHITEWATER BENGHAZI FILEGATE PIZZAGATE TRAVELGATE BLOWJOB FUSION GPS LISA PAGE FAKE MOON LANDING FAST AND FURIOUS OBAMA IS BLACK.

Zeldin was joined in announcing his very stupid resolution by the very stupidest members of the House, including Mark Meadows, Louie Gohmert, Ron DeSantis, Jim Jordan, Matt Gaetz, Jody Hice and Claudia "Michele Bachmann" Tenney.

In related news, Rep. Brad Wenstrup went on Fox News on Tuesday to say it's unfair for the Obama Deep State to send spies into the Trump campaign (they did not), just like it was unfair for the FBI to spy on Martin Luther King Jr., because that's the same.

Expect Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein to go ahead and follow these marching orders from House Republicans on the 12th of Fuck You at Eat My Ass O'Clock in the afternoon.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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Screenshot NRATV

DING DONG THE WITCH IS ... quite likely to land on her feet. But for today, the New York Times reports Dana Loesch is out of a job, the latest casualty in the war between the NRA and its longtime advertising company Ackerman McQueen. But every cloud has a silver bullet lining, since Dana will have more free time now to spend on her favorite hobby. We can't wait to see which cartoon character she photoshops Klan hoods onto next. Maybe she'll branch out and start putting Nazi armbands onto Buzz Lightyear. Oh, we would be so triggered!

As one of the most visible characters on NRATV with literal hundreds of viewers for each of her fascist rants, Dana Loesch was a tireless advocate for the gunhumpers lobby, always ready to call out "tragedy dry-humping whores," threatening to "fist" or perhaps "fisk" the New York Times, and expressing her hope that the Mueller Report would die in an "AIDS fire."

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