House Wingnuts Will Let Paul Ryan Be Speaker, But Only If He Wears 'Kick Me' Sign

He's already lost either way

Previously, on "As The House GOP Burns": Wonky Wisconsin Wunderkind Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Stairway To Heaven) had reluctantly agreed to swoop in and save the damsels in distress. The damsels in distress being, of course, the Republicans who have eated each other all up and spitted each other out because, ewww, they taste spoiled and rotten.

With Speaker John Boehner telling them to take this job and shove it, and House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy trying to quietly fade into the background with his SEX SCANDAL, Ryan decided on Tuesday that his balls had been tickled just enough for him to say, "Fine, I will do it. But only if you all line up and blow me and then swallow and say thank you."

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Given that the Republican Party has, at this point, officially broken Congress, and the Nov. 3 deadline to raise the debt limit is fast approaching, with the whole world facing potential economic disaster if they don't (but hey, no big, take your time, fellas), it seemed like sucking it up and accepting the reality of Speaker Ryan was the only possible option left for the GOP.

But the House Freedom Caucus -- the 40 or so uber-extremist conservative nihilists who have somehow managed to make Paul FREAKIN' Ryan seem like a moderate -- refused on Wednesday night to meet Ryan's conditions that they endorse him, plus agree to some other dumb weedy procedural inside-baseball congressional bullshit rule change that is blah blah snooze who cares?

Instead, the Freedom Caucus met with Ryan, made him get on his knees, whipped it out and jerked all over his face, and then released a statement written in Freedom jizz:

A supermajority of the House Freedom Caucus has voted to support Paul Ryan's bid to become the next Speaker of the House. [...]

While no consensus exists among members of the House Freedom Caucus regarding Chairman Ryan's preconditions for serving, we believe that these issues can be resolved within our Conference in due time.

While in a sane world, receiving a supermajority of support would be Good News and Done Deal, this is the Republican Party we're talking about, so not so fast, mister. Because the caucus will "support" Ryan, but it won't endorse Ryan. And it won't agree to his terms. In other words, the Freedom Caucus said, "OK, Ryan, we'll blow you. But we won't swallow."

A supermajority of its members will let him have the necessary votes to become speaker, but to do so, he must immediately compromise, back down, and look like a giant fucking pussy. That's their precondition. Your move, Paul Ryan!

The merry band of burn-it-downers, who are sooooo high from their victory of chasing Boehner out of office and forcing their slightly less conservative brethren to cry (literally, CRY!) in fear of the almighty power of conservative nihilism, aren't about to stand down now. Oh no. They do not believe in compromise, they do not care if it brings the government and all of America to its knees, they do not give any fucks whatsoever about the damage their ideology may unleash. Bow down before the Freedom Caucus or perish.

Ryan's options at this point are:

  1. Hang his head in shame as he surrenders on the conditions he issued a mere 24 hours ago and accept the "support" (but not endorsement) of the Freedom Caucus, to become the next speaker to get smacked around until Democrats retake the House;
  2. Tell the Freedom Caucus, "No, fuck YOU, I will not compromise," which might make them respect him a lot more, but will then make him look like one of them and therefore not the kind of guy the rest of the Republicans want to deal with;
  3. Make himself a SEX SCANDAL real quick, so he is forced to withdraw his name;
  4. Admit it's over, it's all over -- the Republicans had their chance to run the government, and they blew it to pieces -- and beg Nancy Pelosi to take back the gavel, so the grown-ups can try to clean up this mess and get shit done before it's too late.

What will Ryan do now? Who can say? We are already eleventy thousand miles south of batshit crazy here.

Tune in tomorrow, for another sexciting episode of "As The House GOP Burns."

UPDATE: Apparently, Ryan has chosen Option 1:

Poor sad bastard.

[Statement via Alyssa Farah]


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