One of the more enjoyable parts of the excerpts dropping from John Bolton's new book are just the unbelievably bugfucking stupid things Donald Trump has said and thought, because of how he is unbelievably bugfucking stupid. On the other hand, Trump shows us how unbelievably bugfucking stupid he is on a daily basis. We don't need Bolton putting glue in his mustache so he can affix it to the wall like little fly feet, so he can hide up there like a mustachioed fly and record Trump's secrets.

We can just let Trump talk to the Wall Street Journal. Which he did on Wednesday. At length.

Buckle up, assholes.

He Thinks People Wear Masks To Hurt His Feelings.

To be fair, Michael Bender, the WSJ reporter, sort of set him up for that one:

TRUMP: It could be, yeah. It could be.

But aside from that, Trump thinks masks don't work because people mess with their masks and then they infect themselves, with their own mask germs:

TRUMP: People touch them. And they grab them and I see it all the time. They come in, they take the mask. Now they're holding it now in their fingers. And they drop it on the desk and then they touch their eye and they touch their nose.


TRUMP: But the mask is a double-edged sword and I see it. People come in, they're talking through the mask for hours. They probably don't clean them after, you know, they get a little cocky, right? Then they take the mask, they put their finger on the mask, and they take them off, and then they start touching their eyes and touching their nose and their mouth. And then they don't know how they caught it.


TRUMP: But think of it, they're touching it. I watch them all day long. They're playing with it. You watch some of these politicians, they start talking, they take their fingers and they put them inside the mask and they rip it down. Now their fingers are infected. Potentially. And then they touch their nose. They touch their eyes, they touch their mouth. Voila.

Hate it when you get coronavirus from your own face. America's coronavirus numbers wouldn't be the biggest in the world if everybody stopped giving themselves coronavirus.

He Thinks 'GIIIIIINA Maybe Intentionally Spread Coronavirus, Because Trump's Tariffs Were Hurting American Farmers 'GIIIIIIIINA So Bad.

TRUMP: They did something because if you look, they had very little outbreak, although now they seem to have an outbreak in Beijing, which is interesting, as of yesterday. But everybody knew they had it. I acted very early. I closed our country to China.

Wait what?

TRUMP: Correct. They're saying, man, we're in a mess. The United States is killing us. Don't forget, my economy during the last year and a half was blowing them away. And the reason is the tariffs.

It's not that he really thinks that, he clarified. "But you never know."

Trump added that Stupid John Bolton disagreed with his brilliant decision to close America to China because of coronavirus. (John Bolton left last September. Before coronavirus.)

TRUMP: Bolton disagreed. He thought we shouldn't do it, okay?

But wait, Michael Bender asked, did you actually consult with Bolton coronavirus?

TRUMP: No. I lost respect for Bolton's intellect fairly early in the process.


He Thinks Coronavirus Testing Is Stupid, Even Though He Is So Awesome At It.

TRUMP: I personally think testing is overrated, even though I created the greatest testing machine in history. I've created the greatest testing machine in history. And I think testing is overrated.

If you can't just say something stupid once, by all means say it twice.

He Thinks Nobody Had Ever Heard Of Juneteenth Before He Made It So Popular.

Why did Trump move his Tulsa Hate Rally off of Juneteenth?

TRUMP: Well, I did that out of respect because I had two African-American friends and supporters.

We thought he had five.

Here he goes:

TRUMP: I made it famous. I made Juneteenth very famous. It's actually an important event, it's an important time. But nobody had heard of it. Very few people have heard of it.

Millions upon millions of Americans have heard of it. Donald Trump, on the other hand, had not heard of it. That, we believe.

He says one Black Secret Service agent knew about it and told him. He was also very surprised, during the interview, to find out that his White House had put out a statement for Juneteenth, last year.

TRUMP: Oh really? We put out a statement? The Trump White House put out a statement? [...] Oh OK, good.

He Didn't Ask His Two Black Friends What They Think Of Taking Confederate Traitor Names Off Military Bases.

Why would he? They were characters in the "Juneteenth" story, not the "rename bases" story.

TRUMP: They told me about the Juneteenth. This is... you're asking me a separate question.


He Says He Didn't Bring Any Black Friends Along That Day When They Gassed People So He Could Waddle Across The Street And Hold A Bible In The Air And Declare Fascism, Because There Weren't Any Black Friends At The White House.

We believe him.

Also, it wasn't just across the street, OK? It was basically the longest walk any president has ever been on.

TRUMP: I walked a long distance away. It's like a three block walk.

He also said he didn't actually do anything with the Bible — like, you know, read from it, or say a prayer or something — because it was just too "noisy."

TRUMP: It was very, very noisy, as you can imagine. [...] And I didn't think it was exactly the right time to pray. I'm on the sidewalk.

We all remember the famous part of the Ten Commandments about "Don't pray on sidewalks."

He Says Hey, You Think That Three-Block Walk Was The Longest Walk Any Human Ever Took? Well Let Me Tell You About The West Point ICE RAMP!

TRUMP: After the helicopters came over, the hats went up, the general said, Sir, are you ready? I said, I'm ready. And he led me to a ramp that was long and steep and slippery. And I said, I got a problem because I wear, you know, the leather bottom shoes. I can show them to you if you like. Same pair. And you know what I mean, they're slippery. I like them better than the rubber because they don't catch. So they're better for this. But they're not good for ramps. I said, General, I got a problem here. That ramp is slippery.… So I'm going to go real easy. So I did. And then the last 10 feet I ran down. They always stop it just before I ran, they always stop it.

There was no "run."

TRUMP: If you would have seen this ramp, it was like an ice skating rink.

Yeah, Mister President, ice ramps at West Point are a real motherfucker.

He Says He Will Fix Systemic Racism By Economy Economy Economy YELL AT 'GIIIIIIIIIINA!

TRUMP: So I think, Michael, that the best way I can do it, it's leadership. But I want to bring the economy back. Because if I can bring the economy back, African-American unemployment was the best it has ever been, by far. Number of jobs overall. Hispanic, Asian. But if I can bring the economy back, we're gonna have great jobs, we're gonna have families where life is going to be a lot easier. Their life is just going to be better. And I was there. We had the greatest economy. We had the largest increases and, you know, 3.2% increases, It's unheard of what we did, and I think you would have seen a lot of people starting to come together. And now I'm starting that process all over again because Wuhan. I can give you 12, I can give you 15 different names for that. We can call it China. We can call it Wuhan. We can call it many different things. But because of the virus, it came from China, I have to start that process all over again.

And to think, people tried to question our interpretation of whether Trump was saying George Floyd was smiling down from heaven because of the jobs report.

The question, for the record, was "when it comes to healing the country, is that something you think about and have you thought about ways to try to bring people back together?

He Says He DID NOT EITHER Tell President Xi That Putting Uighur Muslims In Concentration Camps Was So Fuckin' Awesome, Like Stupid John Bolton Said.

TRUMP: In fact, I approved a deal—a reprimand, etc, etc—from Congress. That's been done. It's been all done. It's been signed. But I approved. The deal came in from Congress recently. And it's been going along in Congress. I could have killed that very easily. All I would have to do is make a statement that I'm against it.

Tell us why he's full of shit, Michael Bender:

BENDER: That was today that you signed that.

It was.

He Doesn't Believe Mike Pompeo Called Him 'Full Of Shit,' Like Stupid John Bolton Said.

LOL we bet Pompeo did, though.

He Says Some People Call John Bolton A 'Hard Liner,' Well He Calls Him A 'STUPID LINER.'

No really, that's a quote.

He Says He's Pulling American Troops Out Of Germany (Which Is A Total Gift To Putin) Because Blah Blah Blah Blah 'They're Still Delinquent On Their NATO Payments,' AKA That Dumb Shit Still Doesn't Understand How NATO Works.

Gonna just mark that down as "Christmas came early for Putin this year."

Finally, He Says It's Fine If Ivanka Gets Coronavirus At His Tulsa Rally.

Let's be honest, you wouldn't cry either.

Besides, he says, if you really think about it (like he obviously has), it would only be a "very small percentage" of people that might get "the plague that was sent by 'GIIIIIIIINA" at his rally, so what's the big? Also too, "they said there's a spike" in Oklahoma, but he would say "the spike ends, has already ended."

Maybe he could HEREBY ORDER the spike to end, on Twitter.

See? We didn't need John Bolton to find out how stupid Donald Trump is. All we had to do was read his words, in the newspaper!

And with that, you may OPEN THREAD.

[Wall Street Journal]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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