How Did Donald Trump Fight Coronavirus On Thursday? Pfffffffft, How Did He NOT?
On Thursday, the stock market tanked almost 1,200 points, making it the greatest one-day drop in history. Worldwide coronavirus fears continued to spread, but it's OK, because Mike Pence is on the case, or maybe HHS Secretary Alex Azar is on the case, or maybe this other lady who actually does know science things about viruses is on the case, but whatever, it's cool. An HHS whistleblower says a bunch of HHS workers were sent to greet coronavirus evacuees landing at air bases in California without the proper training or protective gear, and sent back into the world without proper testing, and they reassigned her and told her to shut up or get fired, but really, we are sure it's fine.
Point is, they got this.
And to show you how much the president himself has it under control, here is Donald Trump meeting with
the coronavirus task force Diamond and Silk in the White House on Thursday.
It was a totally good and normal science meeting, with many strategies discussed. Diamond said we have to vote all the DemocRATs out, and Silk expressed gratitude to Trump for allowing her, a black woman, a "seat at the table," specifically saying that such a thing wouldn't have happened under Barack Obama, whose White House famously banned black women.
Silk also discussed the eagerly awaited new book coming out from noted authors Diamond and Silk. Coronavirus: cured!
Also Candace Owens was there, and that is the most interesting thing anyone on the internet will have to say about that.
Point is, if these women are not actually on the coronavirus task force yet, they probably will be by dinnertime.
(Wonkette writer Stephen Robinson chiming in from the Wonkette Chatcave: "I can't believe the Constitution allows Candace Owens, Diamond, and Silk to all be in the same room together. What if there's an accident? What will my people do?")
During the Diamond and Silk summit, Trump probably had very good reasons for having a conniption because MSNBC's Hallie Jackson, who is pregnant, had to leave the room for some reason:
Don't worry, though, Trump did share the latest science findings on coronavirus during the Diamond and Silk summit:
TRUMP: It's going to disappear, one day it's like a miracle, it will disappear, and from our shores, we've, you know, it could get worse before it gets better, it could maybe go away, we'll see what happens, nobody really knows, the fact is, the greatest experts, I've spoken to them all, nobody really knows.
Suck it, Bill Nye the Science Guy!
Trump also spent some time Thursday -- before the Diamond and Silk summit -- doing another important science meeting in the White House, with the creator and stars of the sexxxxxxxual and entertaining new play FBI: The 'B' Stands For 'Boner', which is a dramatic re-enactment of the sexy texts between fired FBI officials (and Russian crime experts) Peter Strzok and Lisa Page. (It's being staged at CPAC tonight!) According to Trump's intelligence briefers at Fox News, those two "lovebirds" led the Deep State Russia witch hunt plot against him, with their extramarital text messages. The play, which is actually not called what we said it's called, stars Kristy Swanson, AKA the lesser Buffy, and Dean Cain, the living answer to the question, "What if Superman just ... completely let himself go?"
Surely those two had some coronavirus science hot takes to share with Trump!
"We went for a 15-minute meeting that took 45 minutes," [conservative "playright" Phelim] McAleer said. "We were there for 45 minutes in the Oval Office, and he loves it, he loves the play."
(Trump has not seen Federal Boner Investigation 5: The Deepest State.)
And then they talked about coronavirus?
McAleer said Trump complained in the meeting about "why some people are in prison [and] why other people aren't"—an apparent re-airing of grievances that law enforcement officials involved in investigating his campaign haven't been charged, while his own campaign staffers have been.
And then they talked about coronavirus? McAleer says he does not remember.
"He did most of the talking," McAleer said.
OK fine, you are saying. The president deserves a little time to relax with his friends, because of how he works a lot between the hours of noon and five p.m., and with this whole coronavirus thing, he might even be staying until 5:30 sometimes before it's time for him to go back to up to the White House residence for the nightly Big Mac toss. (It's a game! Allegedly! Everybody takes turns throwing Big Macs into the president's mouth! For every Big Mac he successfully catches, he gets a Big Mac as a reward! Allegedly! In his mouth!)
Look, we at Wonkette do not want people panicking about the coronavirus. Because Trump certainly isn't! He's mad about the stock market and mad how the Democrats are using coronavirus to forcibly make him look stupid, but it's going to go away, it's like a miracle, and nobody really knows.
Besides, as he tweeted last night, he has done a lot of things to stop coronavirus already. Or he imagines he has done a lot of things. Or he has false recollections of doing a lot of things.
He closed the border! He grounded all the planes! Those are things that happened, somewhere in the caverns of his obviously healthy brain.
If we could be serious for a second, we would note that it occurred to us last night that, bumblefucking fool as he appears to be right now, Trump could get the bright idea, in an election year, to use coronavirus as a Reichstag Fire of some sort, in order to try to consolidate power. His Justice Department is already a flaming Reichstag Fire. And we do need to be vigilant about watching for signs of that, while we also are being vigilant about washing our hands more than usual.
But until or unless that happens, we can just rest easy in the knowledge that President Stable Genius GOT THIS.
And on that dark note, goodbye!
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