How Drunk Was Sarah Palin, On A Scale Of Burp To In Jail With Her Son Track?
[contextly_sidebar id="800tzuER5Dau0PSvx8auOys41wcsTYYn"]Sarah Palin took the stage Tuesday night to endorse Donald Trump fer Makin' 'Merica Great Again, not long after we learned about how her eldest spawn Track spent his Monday night sleeping it off in jail after being arrested for allegedly brawlin' up his lady friend Palin style. And for one more glorious incoherent fame-whorin' trash-talkin' hate-spewin' also-tooin' gosh-darned jumble of minutes, Sarah had all of America watching her again and hanging on her every hiccup. And wondering, WHAT EVEN THE FUCK, LADY?
"I'm in it to win it!" declared Sarah Palin, who is not running for anything and up and MOTHER-BRAWLIN' QUIT half-way through the last job she "won." In what? you may wonder. Win what? you might ask. Who knows?
Palin trotted out her favorite worn-out zingers from the 2008 election, which didn't work then and are just plain pathetic now. She called President Obama a "community organizer" and scoffed at the "Greek columns and all that hopey changey stuff." Was there a dig about teleprompters, even as she continually looked down at her own notes to remind herself of how exactly to drunkenly babble about how Donald Trump? But of course.
What's she lookin' at, the teleprompter on the floor?
Palin praised Trump's flawless business acumen too:
He is from the private sector, not a politician, can I get a "Hallelujah!?!" Where, in the private sector, you actually have to balance budgets in order to prioritize, to keep the main thing, the main thing, and he knows the main thing: a president is to keep us safe economically and militarily.
If you can translate what "the main thing, the main thing" even means, feel free to insert all your jokes about the numerous times Trump's private sector businesses have declared bankruptcy RIGHT HERE.
You want family values? Trump's got family values, you betcha:
Oh, I just hope you guys get to know him more and more as a person, and a family man.
[contextly_sidebar id="uotGNL3SMKENCm4zFJiczEcoFsUe3AL8"]Sure, he's a real family man. Ask any of his families, they'll tell you. And it must be so, if he's won the endorsement of family values sweetheart Sarah Palin, whose abstinence-only children keep popping out out-of-wedlock babies, when they're not getting in trouble with The Law. We can only imagine the touching conversation Sarah must have had with her son Track just the night before:
Did Palin have some random collection of angry words to shout at her second favorite target after the president, the Republican Party establishment that despises her?
Oh tell somebody like, Phyllis Schlafly? She is the Republican, conservative movement icon and hero and a Trump supporter. Tell her she’s not conservative. How ‘bout the rest of us? Right wingin’, bitter clingin’, proud clingers of our guns, our god, and our religions, and our Constitution. Tell us that we’re not red enough? Yeah, coming from the establishment. Right.
If you're wondering when precisely we knew for a fact that Sarah Palin was drunk as fuck, this was it:
The self-made success of his, you know, that he doesn’t get his power, his high, off of opium [we think she means "OPM"]: other people’s money, like a lot of dopes in Washington do. They’re addicted to opium, where they take other people’s money, and then their high is getting to redistribute it, right?
Sure. Right. Donald Trump isn't your typical Washington dope, high on redistributing opium. Whatever you say, Sarah Palin. Want to end on a high (so high!) note?
God bless the United States America [sic] and our next president of the United States, Donald J. Trump!
We aren't surprised that Sarah Palin gobbled up all the glory of standing in the spotlight again, imagining she is still Moose Queen USA. That's our Sarah. But we are surprised that Donald Trump and his ego stood there silently for a full 20 minutes without rolling his eyes, telling her to shut her stupid "persona," or calling in his security to drag the screaming crazy lady away so she could sleep it off somewhere and give him back his mic and his spotlight. That, truly, was a sight to behold.
[Video via BuzzFeed]