How Is Robert Mueller The Literal Devil Today?

Mama said knock you out

The answer to the question in our headline is, of course, ALL THE WAYS, at least if you are Donald Trump, an idiot GOP congressman, or a Fox News host. They believe this because the Robert Mueller investigation is bearing much fruit, like all sane observers who have been paying attention to Donald Trump for the past couple years knew it would. Where there's that much smoke, there are bound to be CALIFORNIA-SIZED FIRES. (Sorry, California, we are hurting in our hearts for you.)

As for updates on the Mueller investigation, there are two. One is that Hope Hicks, Donald Trump's closest adviser (who probably knows where a hell of a lot of bodies are buried), spent TWO WHOLE DAYS with Mueller's team last week. We imagine they had a few things to talk about! We also imagine Hicks is not in the mood to go down with this ship, so she was probably quite cooperative. We don't know if Mueller's people talked to her about what happened just after the inauguration, when the FBI gave Hicks "defensive briefings" in the Situation Room to let her know one million Russians were emailing her trying to get to Trump, but we're going to guess, yeah, Mueller's people talked to her about that.

The second update about the Mueller investigation broke Monday morning, and it's that prosecutors are zeroing in on what happened after former acting attorney general Sally Yates came to the White House to inform them Michael Flynn was a big liar whose dishonest statements to the FBI could open him up to Russian blackmail, and before Flynn was finally fired 18 days later.

If you'll remember, just after charges were filed against disgraced literal actual foreign agent Flynn, Trump tweeted that he had fired Flynn for lying both to Vice President Mike Pence, and also to the FBI. And the world replied, "Excuse us? You knew he lied to the FBI way back then? And then you tried to make James Comey stop investigating Flynn? And then you fired James Comey because he wouldn't stop investigating Trump and Russia? EXCUSE US?" What did Donald Trump know, and when did he know it? Bigger question: Did Trump actually direct Flynn to lie to the FBI? Inquiring minds would like to know!

So that's all happening, and Robert Mueller's investigation still exists, so obviously that means the screeching howler monkeys of the right are still screeching and howling. For instance, here is screeching howler monkey Hugh Hewitt, who says "Americans" won't put up with Mueller investigating those 18 days before the Flynn firing, because "Americans" know "Obama" just set Trump up to fuck up with Flynn.

We think "Americans" are well aware that "Hugh Hewitt" is full of shit.

We mentioned this morning in our post about Maggie Haberman's crazy Trump NYT profile that whack-ass Fox News lady Jeanine Pirro, who once interviewed for the deputy attorney general position, had gone on a bugfuck rant about the FBI and Robert Mueller on her show Saturday night. We could transcribe it for you, but we don't feel like it. Suffice it to say Pirro was literally playing wingnut conspiracy bingo WITH HERSELF, throwing out every single unfounded allegation she could think of about how all the FBI was in the tank for Hillary Clinton, James Comey is a dick, and Robert Mueller is compromised because he has prosecutors on his team who aren't shit-fer-brains right-wing Trump-licking conspiracy theorists like Jeanine Pirro, therefore they are BIASSSSSSSSS.

We included this video in our earlier piece, but you didn't watch it then, so here it is again. It's OK if you don't watch it in this post either, because it's just seven minutes of Fox News fuckery, and ain't nobody got time for that shit.

If you actually want to know what Pirro has to say (you don't), read this USA Today op-ed by some douchewhistle named James Robbins, which says the same shit because they're all reading off the same script. Or look at Newt Gingrich whining about how Mueller is "corrupt," even though five seconds ago Gingrich said Mueller was a "superb choice" for special counsel.

We noted Friday that the good news about all this Fox News/GOP fuckery is that Americans -- the actual ones, not the ones Hugh Hewitt pulled out of his butt in that tweet above -- aren't buying it. Large majorities of Americans support the Mueller investigation, think Mueller will be fair, and believe Trump people at least did something wrong with Russia. And if/when Trump tries to Saturday Night Massacre Mueller, people will take to the fucking streets, and the public outrage will make Americans' response to Nixon's Saturday Night Massacre look like child's play. And then we'll get a new special counsel, and the Trump-Russia investigation will continue, whether these tiresome, unpatriotic fuckers like it or not.

SPOILER: They will not like it. They will keep howling like the screeching howler monkeys they are. It will be so fucking annoying to listen to. But ya know, sometimes you gotta let babies cry it out, so CRY, ASSHOLES, CRY!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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