How Many Lies Can Liar Carly Fiorina Tell Before Breakfast? Your Weekly Top Ten.
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Oh hi, Wonkers! It is time for your late afternoon Weekly Top Ten list! Have you had a nice weekend? We have! It's been almost 100% sleep and Netflix, like Jesus intended. If you'll take a moment to notice the picture above you, you will see that Wonkette Baby, instead of just sleeping and Netflixing, has taken a job teaching literature at the local community college. They grow up so fast!
First, though, as usual, it's time for housekeeping. The Wonkette Primary is still going on, and if you've already voted, that's okay, VOTE AGAIN, WITH YOUR DOLLARS! If you don't remember, the way you vote is to buy all the t-shirts of the Democratic presidential candidate you love the best. If you are sexxxed up for Hillary, then buy the sexxxy Hitlery t-shirt you see below! If you feel the same sexxxy sensations, but for Bernie Sanders instead, then buy HIS t-shirt! Wasn't that easy? Now you are wearing clothes, whereas when you started this post, you were not. (As always, if you are a Jim Webb supporter, you do not get a t-shirt and instead must remain naked and sad.)
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Okay, here are the top ten stories of the week, chosen as usual by science. Maybe you are reading them the first time! Let's see what a big liar Carly Fiorina is.
1. Well, there was the time we learned that UH OH! Carly Fiorina's Planned Parenthood lies were a lot deeper than anybody even knew!
2. And there was the time we learned that lying liar Carly Fiorina isn't happy everybody knows she's a lying liar.
3. Not all the top stories are about Carly. Here's your president, Jeb Bush, comforting a nation grieving after a mass shooting by saying, "Stuff happens." Sidenote: Did you Wonkers know there are a lot of REALLY stupid people on the internet? We got so many tweets saying, "Ahem, Jeb Bush? Is not president? Like such as?" We laughed at them.
4. OOPSIE, Josh Duggar's penis had A Accident on another porn star.
5. More Carly! This time the jerk behind the Planned Parenthood videos accidentally confirmed she was lying.
6. Vatican issues clarification: Kim Davis sucks, we hate her, and we wish we'd never met.
7. The tragic news of the week, of course, was that, yet again, a gunman decided to reach for his readily available arsenal and murder a whole bunch of people. Will this one force America to do something different to try to solve the problem? Nah, probably not. It's just routine now.
8. On a much happier note, those Indiana pizza bigots accidentally catered a gay wedding, HA HA HA!
9. Pope Francis barely noticed Kim Davis on the way to brunch with his gays.
10. And finally, this white Republican congresslady from Florida has a badass idea for getting rid of this black Democratic congresslady. And by "badass," we mean totally racist.
So there you go, Wonkers. Those are your winning stories. They are the best stories ever written, at least this week!
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Okay, we're going to go laze about some more and maybe find a bloody mary or something.