Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

The FBI is investigating whether the NRA laundered some rubles from Russian mobsters to help Donald Trump and Republicans. Hey, man, collusion and conspiracy and money laundering are not a crime!

Steve Bannon cut a deal to speak to Robert Mueller and his team of extraordinary investigators instead of a grand jury, and that might be why he's been giving Congress the run-around. [Morning Maddow]

Somehow somebody was capable of hurting the feelings of the New York Times editorial board, so they devoted THE ENTIRE OP-ED PAGE to letters from Trump supporters.

The GOP released the "Fake News Awards," and it's another pathetic, limpdicked scam, just like Trump Vodka, Trump Steaks, Trump Air, Trump University, Trump casinos, Trump hotels, and Trump's presidential campaign.

Efforts to stop a government shutdown stalled after Republican warhawks squawked at the lack of defense spending. To make matters worse, the Tea Party is refusing to play ball, Lindsey Graham wants a dedicated spending bill, and Democrats are refusing to sign anything without DACA protections. Now Republicans are trying to hold CHIP hostage. THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

The House Rules Committee agreed to open up the floor for any bill from now through Sunday in an effort to steamroll immigration and funding bills while nobody is watching.

John Kelly quietly told the Hispanic Caucus that Trump was just talking out of his shithole when he said he'd build a wall. However, Kelly later went went on TV and denied everything. Of course, Trump made everything even worse this morning when he started shit talking on Twitter.

Yesterday Trump "PROCLAIMED" some dumb religious crap that reeks like Mike Pence's televangelist farts.

In a new interview with Reuters, Trump talks about walking a lot, being obese, golf, the North Korean nuclear holocaust, JEWS, The Swamp, Messicans, losing bigly in 2018, and DIET COKE!

Marco Rubio whipped out his retractable spine to introduce a new bill that would level crushing sanctions against Russia if we catch them screwing with out elections. Again. The key phrase here is, "IF we catch them..."

Trump is expected to hit the campaign trail, and spend "probably four or five days a week" trying to elect Republicans in the parts of flyover country that kind of hate him right now.

In an effort to save a US House seat in Pennsylvania from Conor Lamb, a 33-year-old Marine veteran and a Democrat, Trump is heading to coal country to pat himself on the back and endorse the GOP candidate, Rick Saccone.

The GOP has a real problem trying convincing all the youths to wear their red arm bands and march through the street waving their hands for Trump.

Laid off factory workers all over the Rust Belt have buyers remorse now that Trump has left them to rot while he plays golf in Florida with rich white people.

Democrats are taking a hard left turn, which is great news for progressives, and bad news for Blue Dogs.

A new bill aimed at combating Congress creeps guilty of grab-ass will give more protection to victims, and force members to repay the Treasury for settlements reached their behalf. Well, it's a start...

Some deviant feminazis are suing a popular beach town in Maryland over an anti-topless law that fines women up to $1,000 for anyone showing "the female breast with less than a fully opaque covering."

Neal Tapio is a South Dakota state senator who fancies himself a mini-Trump, once railing against an interfaith dialogue as "a part a war...taking away the Christian fabric of our nation.”

DHS has announced we're no longer letting in useless poors from Haiti since their unlucky, un-American shithole ravaged by decades of poverty, corporate greed, and natural disasters has nothing to offer Uncle Sam.

A massive investigation into illegal gold mining in Latin America details the death of rainforests and rise of obscenely lucrative Miami smuggling rings. In contrast, it's much cheaper to shitpost duck faced-selfies on InstaBookChat.

REXXON says the US will maintain a military presence in Syria to fight terrorism, not to stare down Russians or fight the Assad regime, or the Iranians, or the Turks.

Youtubers are bitching about a new policy that jacks up the number of views required to receive special Internet snowflake status.

Apple says it will bring back MOST of the $252 BILLION Ameros that it's been hiding overseas now that Donald Trump's tax cuts (for the super rich) have shown them the error of their ways.

Guess who's got a birthday coming up? IT'S FIONA! She's almost 650 lbs, still adorable, and still growing! YAAYY FIONA!

And here's your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert thinks InTouch should get in touch with the House Intel Committee; Jimmy Kimmel found the Stormy Daniels and Donald Trump pr0n tape; Seth Meyers took A Closer Look at how the GOP is shutting down the government; The Daily Show remembers EXACTLY what Kirstjen Nielsen doesn't; Jordan Klepper talked about gyms blocking cable news for beta-cucks; and Samantha Bee talked about how #MeToo backlash has become #YouTooLoud.

And here's your morning Nice Time! Painted dog puppies!

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.


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