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Well, hello, John Bolton, and how is YOUR mustache hanging today?

So, you mean to tell us, after an impeachment inquiry and trial where we've gotten one consistent version of the story of Donald Trump's Ukraine crimes, that John Bolton's book also too confirms that version of the story exactly and confirms Bolton's status as a firsthand witness to the whole scheme? No one could have seen that one coming, and by no one, we mean everyone.

We don't know how impeachment is going to go this week. Trump's lawyers started Saturday, and from what we can tell, they just jerked off into a cup for two hours and then went home and jerked off into more cups, but not on live TV. From Trump's tweets, it sounds like they were mad that calendars were discriminating against them by making them start Saturday.

Technically, according to the rules, Trump's lawyers could go today and tomorrow, and we know Mitch McConnell wants all this shit to be over by the end of the week, especially if Bolton's news is just going to keep breaking. At the same time, the Bolton news (and there will be more) seems to be putting some real pressure on a few GOP senators like Mitt Romney and Susan Collins to vote for witnesses and documents, which could extend things quite a bit if a number of them end up jumping together.

Of course, it's always possible that Adam Schiff will commit an act of bad Senate decorum and hurt Susan Collins's feelings so much she is forced to confirm Brett Kavanaugh again.

Point is we have no fuckin' idea and neither do you.

Shall we liveblog the things that happen as they happen?


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1:02: We'll be getting started in just a minute, but Nicolle Wallace is reporting that, as we suspected, it might be "six to 10" Republicans who jump together and vote for witnesses, if such a thing comes to pass. We think it will either be that, or it will be Mitt Romney being the cheese who stands alone after Susan Collins finds a way to wriggle out of doing the right thing, like she always does.

1:09: Oh good, we are starting with Screamy McBatshit himself, Jay Sekulow, because let us not pretend these are serious people.

1:11: Sekulow just wishes the House Democrats would have talked about the READ TEH ASJGD;FKJASKDFJAFVASDFKTLOLPENISSCRIPT, because they wouldn't even talk about the READ TEH TREAJSJKVJAKJSEDTIOUPT

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

Poor Trump just wanted the Ukraine man to investigate real corruption, because you know how Trump gets when he finds out about corruption, he cries and clutches his Bible a lot.

1:16: And we begin the real presentations ("real") with Ken Starr, Blowjob Investigator, and no, that is not the name of a porno. Oh no, Ken, did you find a blowjob yet? Better get your magnifyin' glass!

1:19: Ken Starr says House of Representatives is different from Senate, TELL US MORE?

1:21: Ken Starr says the House impeaches Donald Trump too much all the time, oh the humanity, etc.

1:27: Starr is doing a VERY DROLL AND BORING presentation on the history of independent and special counsels and it is VERY DROLL AND BORING and uh oh, Ken Starr, better liven things up and investigate a blowjob!

1:30: Starr says the UK got rid of impeachment therefore impeachment is bad, and now i will read you an elegant gin poem written by HRH Peggy Noonan.

1:34: Starr's point, stripped of all its boring words, is that the Nixon impeachment articles counted because they were bipartisan but the Trump ones are not because his party is now basically a crime family and therefore they didn't do any "bipartisan" to the articles.

1:39: Ken Starr says to impeach, there has to be a crime, which is of course not true, and anyway Trump commits 50 crimes before breakfast so PFFFFFT.

1:42: Ken Starr is putting us into a coma, but we think he is just very Concern Troll Is Concerned about an impeachment trial happening in an election year and being "partisan," and he says the Clinton impeachment was good because it had a blowjob crime and this one is no fun because no blowjob crimes.

1:46: Starr is using words like "if it please the Academy" and "may it please the court," pffffft, whatever, Counselor Jizzfinder, you are not that fancy.

1:49: STARR: Do you know how disruptive impeachment is to the president's daily schedule? What if you impeach and remove him in the middle of him doing a tweet or a poop? How inconvenient for us all!

1:51: Starr says don't worry, Trump will not be a king if you don't impeach, you just have to oversight him. You know, the Trump administration that tells Congress to fuck off at every turn and lies and covers up crimes and withholds documents and whatnot.

Sounds great, Ken.

1:58: Starr says the lesson of United States v. Nixon was that presidents should have lots of confidentiality and that is not how we remember that case, but anyway, he says if presidents release documents and let witnesses testify they are damaging the monarchy presidency.

This is actually painful to listen to.

2:00: YOU GUYS, Ken Starr says Bill Barr's Office of Legal Counsel found that the House's subpoenas were all invalid before the official vote to authorize an impeachment inquiry, and if Bill Barr's OLC says that, it must be true like Bible!

Ken Starr is literally trying to "bless your heart" Nancy Pelosi for being bad at her job.

2:03: Ken Starr says the House rejected an article of impeachment on Clinton for obstruction, and that Clinton was definitely guilty, but Trump's obstruction is OK because #reasons.

2:07: Starr says we have a "runaway House" because they "threw out all their established procedures," and we have no idea WTF he is lying about, as the House's impeachment investigation procedures followed the established rules to a 'T.'

Look, here is Trey Gowdy saying his former GOP colleagues were idiots for whining about the House's closed-door depositions.

Anyway, Ken Starr is done putting us into a coma with whining about PROCESS!11! and now it is time for Jay Sekulow to whine that the Dems were too excited to impeach Trump. After that, Mike Purpura will be the next boring Trump lawyer to put us in a coma.

Oh yes, also Jay Sekulow says READ TEH TJA;KJSDKJGFASITP! and nO qUiD pRO QuO! (that is a lie) and Ukraine didn't know about the aid hold (that is a lie) and Ukraine said no pressure (that is a lie) and Trump released the aid (when he got caught).

2:17: PURPURA: There was no link between the military aid and the investigations! Everybody knows that! Except John Bolton we guess! And all the impeachment witnesses!

2:21: Purpura is cherrypicking and taking impeachment witnesses' words out of context to make a bullshit case that Donald Trump, Anti-Corruption Warrior, was just really concerned about corruption in Ukraine, or that when he uses the word "corruption," he is using it in the same way non-criminals use it.

2:26: Purpura is just lying like a common Jim Jordan now, although he is doing it in a more human tone of voice. During the impeachment hearings in the House, Jordan clung to this ridiculous idea that Trump released the aid when Ukraine's parliament passed an anti-corruption package, as opposed to all the available evidence that suggests he released it when he got caught.

To believe this, you have to believe that Donald Trump is closely watching Ukrainian C-SPAN, just riveted by their political process. You also have to forget every single other thing you ever knew about this scandal.

2:31: Purpura says all the "evidence" he just said "demonstrates" that no quid pro quo. He did not "demonstrate" anything with "evidence." Also Trump gave Zelenskyy a "presidential-level meeting" as soon as he possibly could, because Trump's lawyers want you to be stupid enough to believe that the UN meeting is the same as the White House meeting Zelenskyy so desperately wanted.

Also Purpura would like you to believe Donald Trump really truly stayed home from his planned trip to Poland in September because it was vital to American safety and security that he draw dicks on hurricane maps and have tantrums when hurricanes don't hit Alabama like he thinks they're going to.

2:37: Purpura says DEMOCRATS were the ones who insisted Trump had to give Zelenskyy a meeting in the White House and not just a bilateral meeting. This is clownfuckery. Impeachment witnesses over and over again talked about the esteem and honor of a White House meeting. And he really wants us to believe Trump was giving Zelenskyy what he wanted by scheduling that meeting in Warsaw, and then getting mad at Ukraine and sending Mike Pence to do the quid pro quo so Trump could stay home and draw dicks on hurricane maps. Because Trump really needed to stay home, you guys.

It's worth noting that at least according to Lev Parnas, Trump absolutely canceled his trip because he was pissed he wasn't getting his investigations announcement.

2:42: Hey, how weird is it that Trump's lawyers aren't playing any video of these impeachment witnesses they're quoting out of context? It's like they're doing lies or something.

2:48: Mike Purpura does not seem quite sure why Trump canceled Pence's trip to Zelenskyy's inauguration, but it was definitely NO COLLUSION or whatever. Anyway, Rick Perry got to go and do some shakedowns in Ukraine (allegedly!) and he resigned the second the shit hit the fan with this scandal for NO REASON.

(Lev Parnas said it was absolutely because Trump was pissed off he hadn't gotten his investigation announcements yet, and appears to have receipts to back it up.)

Purpura now finally playing some witness video of impeachment witnesses saying out of context that Trump gave Ukraine lethal weapon assistance UNLIKE A COMMON OBAMA, as if there are no other facts present here, or Trump didn't proceed to use that assistance to extort Ukraine.

2:54: And now Purpura is done and we are on break. Bad news, everyone, Purpura TOTALLY EXONERATED Trump.

3:18: Back from break! Ari Melber said on MSNBC that Ken Starr was so bad it was like he just punched himself in the face and then left the chamber. Meanwhile, Senator Angus King noted that we're two hours in and we have not heard the words "John Bolton," HUH WEIRD!

Anyway, Jay Sekulow is introducing a new idiot Trump lawyer, who will tell us all about Rudy Giuliani's crimes, oops, she means INNOCENCES!

3:21: Jane Raskin says Rudy Giuliani is a shiny object the Democrats are using to distract from the truth, by focusing on Giuliani's constant trips to Ukraine to shake down corrupt Ukrainians for fake dirt on Joe Biden, which is ... literally exactly what Trump was impeached for.

3:23: Raskin says if Giuliani is really some kind of common criminal with two close indicted associates who appear to have ALL THE RECEIPTS, one of whom is spilling ALL THE RECEIPTS, then the House would have subpoenaed him, and they didn't, QUOD ERAT DEMONSTRATUM IN YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR ASS.

3:30: Raskin's argument that she is not saying out loud appears to be that because Rudy Giuliani goes on TV and confesses ALL THE FUCKING TIME, then he has not committed any crimes. Also she suggests it is totally normal that Roodles was going to Ukraine to get them to feed him Russian propaganda lies exonerating Russia for its attack on our election, and that that in no way means Roodles was improperly going to Ukraine to get them to feed him Russian propaganda lies exonerating Russia for its attack on our election, a conspiracy theory from the asshole of the Kremlin that also came up in the READ TEH TRASJVASDUIPT!

3:34: Raskin says Roodles the Clown is ROGUE! a RENEGADE! he was SPOT-ON! Who got it right? ROODLES THE CLOWN! Who's the hottest Hottie McHotterton in the whole town? ROODLES THE CLOWN!

Also too though, he is a "minor player" and "do not be distracted" by him, JANE RASKIN GOOD JOB GOODBYE!

3:36: Now it is turn for the "Philbin" one, who is still not Regis. He will talk about how the impeachment inquiry was illegal and wrong and Congress is not Trump's dad, and Congress didn't vote to start an impeachment inquiry in the way Trump's lawyers would prefer, Congress should feel very bad about itself right now.

3:39: Philbin says the "process" hurted Donald Trump's feelings and he did not get "due process" during the closed-door depositions and when he was offered due process he rejected it just kidding Philbin did not mention that last part because he thinks you're a fuckin' idiot.

3:41: Philbin says the closed-door depositions were not like a grand jury, because the Democrats said "vile calumnies" about Trump each and every day!

This is all just clownfuckery, anybody who buys any of this is dumb or not paying attention.

3:46: PHILBIN: Mean Jerry Nadler offered Trump due process and then said if Trump keeps obstructing Congress's investigation, he doesn't get due process no more! UNFAIR!

Also WHISTLEBLOWER! They did not even let us out the whistleblower! No fair either!

3:49: PHILBIN: In summary and in conclusion, GOOD JOB MISTER PHILBIN GOODBYE!

Oh just kidding, he's still babbling.

3:52: John Bolton John Bolton John Bolton John Bolton John Bolton.

We are just saying, because Trump's lawyers still are not.

4:02: Patrick Philbin is saying many tricky words about how Donald Trump doesn't have to do what you say and executive privilege is absolute and Bill Barr's OLC is the final word on #law, but we wouldn't know because he, like the others, has also put us into a very deep sleep.

We actually wish Jay Sekulow would get up and make stinky with his mouth, it would be more entertaining.

4:09: Philbin suggests Pelosi et al. "goaded" Trump into refusing to comply, and he just had no choice because he was following the very obvious law, because of how he is President Law Follower.

4:15: PHILBIN: If you can impeach a president for crimes and obstruction, what's to stop another Congress from impeaching a different president for different crimes and obstructions!

4:16: We bet Trump is pretty unhappy right now, because this is so boring and the House Democrats were way funner to watch.

4:20: Trump lawyer very sleepily mad about Democrats saying there was an urgency to impeach Trump quickly because of how the crimes he's being impeached for are crimes he's committing right now in order to help him steal the 2020 election, which is (checks notes) later this later. How dare they!

4:27: Philbin suggests that Trump might even have "absolute executive privilege" over giving up evidence of his crimes, because this is about "national security." (More specifically, it is about Trump abusing his power to steal another election and endangering national security in the process.)

4:28: Patrick Philbin very mad that Jerry Nadler and Adam Schiff are always saying things like "wow Donald Trump, you sure are acting like a guilty person," because that is just a rude thing to say to a person who is currently busy very obviously covering up their crimes.

4:33: Well, that was the most desperately boring thing we've ever seen. Anyway, Jay Sekulow is snapping his pissy fingers and yapping about something.

4:35: Now it is time for the biggest dipshit on the whole Trump team, Pam Bondi! She will talk about BURISMA and CORRUPT and BUT JOE BIDEN'S EMAILS!

4:37: No really, because it is legitimately believable that Trump is just really concerned about corruption in this Ukrainian energy company. Bondi is just reading a list of sources that have said "Burisma," and she says it pains her to be talking about "Burisma," but she has to, because the House managers just kept. saying. Burisma!

BURISMA!11!11! BURISMZI!!111! BENGHAZMA!!1!111!! BENRISMI!11111ONE1!111! BNEGHAZI!!1!1!!1!!!!!!!

4:46: So far Pam Bondi has possibly established that Hunter Biden maybe shouldn't have taken that Burisma board position, but she is talking DRAMATIC TONES like she's some kind of narrator for a true crime drama.

LET HER SAY THAT AGAIN REAL SLOW: A TV network! Did a report! That was like! "Hunter Biden and Burisma, what is that all about?" Did you hear that! A TV NETWORK! DID A REPORT! THAT WAS LIKE! "Hunter Biden and Burisma, what is that all about?"

hUnTeR bIdEn aND bUrIsMa wHaT iS tHaT aLL aBou?T

Scoff! says Pam Bondi. Scoff scoff!

4:51: BONDI: Hunter Biden made $183,000 per month for Burisma while the average American family during the same period only earned five dollars and a package of hot dogs for THE WHOLE YEAR. And this is why I support Elizabeth Warren's wealth tax, but only for Hunter Biden.

Wait, where am I?

4:54: Remember you guys, Pam Bondi didn't want to talk about Burisma, she anguished over it, didn't sleep a wink, but she just has to.

4:55: Bondi is either going to get to the part where Joe Biden had the corrupt prosecutor fired and just absolutely lie about it, or she will forget to talk about that part. WHICH WILL IT BE!

For the record, all allegations that there was anything untoward about the firing of Viktor Shokin have been thoroughly debunked, and the only people who seem to have a problem with it are the corrupt former prosecutors who take Skype bubble baths with Rudy Giuliani, allegedly.

Surprise, she decided to lie.

5:00: Oh good, Pam Bondi is going to do the Rudy smear campaign against Marie Yovanovitch some more, looks like.

5:03: What Bondi just said was the biggest lie of their whole lie scheme about Burisma. Shokin wasn't doing dick about allegations of corruption at Burisma. Firing him made it more likely that Burisma would be investigated in a real way.

To be clear, Shokin's investigation into Burisma had been dormant for a year when Biden got that guy fired.

Bondi concludes by seemingly acknowledging she didn't prove anything but SHE IS JUST SAYING.

The next presenter will be some idiot.

5:08: Some idiot will now splain us why it IS TOO in the America's national interest for Trump to call on foreign countries to investigate his political opponents. This is real.

5:11: SOME IDIOT: How can Trump want to exonerate Russia by asking Zelenskyy to investigate conspiracy theories from Russia about Ukraine interfering in the election, when Robert Mueller found NO COLLUSION? (He did not, that is a lie, and he definitely found that Russia engaged in a "sweeping and systematic" attack on our election for the benefit of Trump.)

5:16: You know, besides the allegation that Joe Biden had Shokin fired for improper reasons, which is a huge lie, we are super-unclear on what Hunter Biden's crime is supposed to be here, besides just that they like to say his name a lot and Joe Biden is bad for forgetting to tell Hunter to stop being a loser and trading on the family name.

5:22: SOME IDIOT: Hunter Biden was friends with John Kerry's stepson with the Heinz name and it's almost like they know each other and I don't have any actual allegations to proffer but I'm going to say WORDS LOUD to make it appear as if there is something there, even though I am basically in Sean Hannity huffing bath salts with Louie Gohmert territory here.

In conclusion, JOE BIDEN!111!1 JOEGHAZI!!1!11 JOERISMA!!111!!! WE ARE TRUMP'S LAWYERS AND WE ARE DOING THE INVESTIGATION ANNOUNCEMENTS TRUMP TRIED TO EXTORT UKRAINE FOR RIGHT NOW!

"Are we really to believe that we were going to withhold a billion dollars of aid if they didn't fire this prosecutor?" Why yes, dipshit. Most of the Republican senators could tell you about it, because they were in the Senate when this all went down.

Also the idiot lawyer just lied again and suggested Shokin was just really investigating Burisma real hard when he was fired. He was not. Dormant for a year, that investigation.

5:29: SOME IDIOT: Can you imagine what Democrats would say if DONALD TRUMP'S KIDS were GRIFTING? Can you even? I cannot even!

5:31: SOME IDIOT: Hey remember that time Donald Trump did a perfect call but then Adam Schiff did a treason paraphrase? In case you have not heard, we are mad about that!

SOME IDIOT: Why would Trump commit crimes on the telephone if everybody was listening in on the call? That is not the Stable Genius president I know and love!

5:33: Some idiot actually arguing that Zelenskyy didn't even want an Oval Office meeting, despite shitloads of evidence to the contrary.

5:37: Some idiot says it doesn't even make sense that Trump only wanted an "announcement" of investigations from Zelenskyy, despite how Zelenskyy was literally planning on making that announcement on CNN after trying very hard not to, and despite how the aid and the White House meeting had been conditioned on such an announcement, because it was just TOO SOON for an announcement like that to have an impact on the election. Who would even remember such a thing, besides Donald Trump, who would tweet about it daily while grunting on the toilet?

In conclusion, he blames the DEMOCRATS for talking so much about Burisma and Biden, and says now people will definitely remember that come election time.

Because of what the DEMOCRATS did. "Be careful what you wish for," some idiot literally says.

Fuck this guy, he is an asshole and a dumb dick.

5:43: Some idiot has now decided that Democrats should have impeached OBAMA for what JOE BIDEN did ... not actually do.

5:44: Oh good, now Some Idiot is going to lie about what Barack Obama said to then-Russian President Dmitry Medvedev. Since Some Idiot is going to fill it with insinuations and take it completely out of context, here is how Reuters reported that:

As he was leaning toward Medvedev in Seoul, Obama was overheard asking for time - "particularly with missile defense" - until he is in a better position politically to resolve such issues.

"I understand your message about space," replied Medvedev, who will hand over the presidency to Putin in May.

"This is my last election ... After my election I have more flexibility," Obama said, expressing confidence that he would win a second term.

Some Idiot says Obama was doing that for his "personal benefit" to help him with his re-election and thereby hurt our national security, which is a hilarious stretch. That is definitely the same thing as Trump extorting Ukraine for announcements of investigations into his political opponents.

This fuckmouth comes from the Kasowitz law firm that's been repping Trump forever, if that tells you anything about where he's coming from.

5:50: We are glad, though that Some Idiot AKA Becky With The Good Law is finally impeaching Barack Obama. It was about time!

5:55: SOME IDIOT: "I think we all remember Fast and Furious!" As if that statement means shit to anybody who doesn't huff paint while they obsessively watch Fox News.

5:58: Some Idiot lies and says Democrats don't trust Americans to vote Trump out of office, which is why they impeached Trump, despite how dude has never had a 50 percent approval rating besides when Rasmussen really goes loopy, and despite how Trump lost the popular vote by three million and only won because Russia and James Comey squeaked him in by 70,000 votes in three states.

6:01: Well that was a gigantic waste of an afternoon, some of the dumbest lyingest shit we have ever sat through. Dinner break! Check out the Wonkette homepage while we are on break, there are other stories up!

6:10: Just hearing on the TV that Senator Pat Toomey of PA is now proposing a "one-for-one" witness swap of Bolton for Hunter Biden. We've said it before, but if they want to put Hunter up there, fuck it, we don't care. We think they think they're going to score a loooooot more points with that than they think.

Meanwhile, Bolton sounds like it would be bombshell after bombshell.

6:57: And we are back! Robert Ray is the next idiot to idiot.

But you are very excited, because Alan Dershowitz is in the house and we don't even know yet if he's got panties on, but we're going to guess yes because this is SENATE.

Ray says he is standing up for AMERICA, which is weird, because we sure didn't ask.

7:02: Ray says boy oh boy that Nixon was a bad egg, and his impeachment was good because #bipartisan. But now, the Republican party is basically a crime party, and they won't do bipartisans, therefore this impeachment does not count.

Aw shucks. :(

7:06: Ray says Alexander Hamilton would roll over in his grave at the end of Wall Street if he saw how the mean Democrats are treating poor pitiful Trump! Meanwhile, on Fifth Avenue, King Trump could should somebody in the face and all his idiots would still vote for him.

This has been an update about different streets in New York City.

7:11: Ray says if the Senate removed Trump, it would negate the voices of all the people who voted for him. No word on what's been going on with the voices of the three million more Americans who voted for Hillary Clinton, but anyway, TYRANNY!

7:17: Ray is just saying when he was the independent prosecutor against Bill Clinton, he was a very sweet boy and always held Clinton in the highest esteem and never ever wanted him impeached and removed because after all, Clinton was the president!

Or something. We don't know what self-stimulation Ray is engaging in, but he seems pretty proud of himself.

7:19: Look, everybody, clown!

7:21: Ray says Trump's quid pro quo was the good kind, not the bad kind. More of a GOOD pro quo. Or a quid pro WHOA!

Not a quid pro NOOOOOOOOOOO!

7:23: Hey you guys, Robert Ray says READ TEH TRASMVJ;AJDSTJTI!

7:26: OK, Evan out, going to the gym, GET READY FOR LIZ! AND ALAN DERSHOWITZ! AND HIS PANTIES (MAYBE)!

7:30 Hey-o! It's me, Liz, your FDF! Holy shit, is this guy going to read his boringass speech forever?

7:32 Okay, if this guy is going to bang on about the Impoundment Control Act as some congressional bullshit, let's point out that Donald Trump's own Defense Department was freaking out as the hold went on, because they also believed that failure to disburse the funds was illegal.

7:33 OMG, did this fucking dickhead just take a gratuitous swipe at The New York Times's 1619 Project? Like he needed to signal to the racists that he's ON THEIR SIDE? They know, dude.

7:36 Swear on my children he just quoted a rando tweet he saw online that said Article 1 is Democrats don't like Trump, Article 2 is that Dems can't beat Trump. CASE CLOSED.

7:42 Okay, we're back to pretending that Donald Trump has the right to invoke executive privilege -- which Trump never did -- and that House Democrats had the obligation to take Trump to court to enforce subpoenas -- something the Trump administration is in court right now saying the court has no right to adjudicate.

"An analogy taken from baseball that I think the Chief Justice might appreciate ..."

7:43 This is the most self-referential thing I've ever seen. He's just posing questions to himself about how he felt in prior investigations, and then answering them.

DID I GET MAD WHEN CLINTON DIDN'T WANT TO SHOW ME HIS DICK? I DID!

7:45 Fist bumps! Signing pens! DRINK

7:47 Oh, thank heaven! This dork is almost finished reading his Law Review case note. "As Senator Dale Bumpers eloquently concluded ...."

Impeachment is anarchy. War is peace. Robert Ray is scintillating.

7:50 Dershowitz is here to dangle his janglies in your impeachment milkshakes. YEAH BABY.

7:52 Impeaching Trump is impeaching all presidents. Have you heard that I, Alan Dershowitz, am very famous?

7:54 Here's a PhD thesis idea for ya: Why do Republicans think that having their defense lawyers read historical treatises will be persuasive television?

Like, beside the fact that the facts are decidedly not on their side.

7:59 Okay, so here's a billion words piled up to insist that the Founders implicitly meant -- although they didn't say it -- presidents can't be impeached for abuse of power or obstruction of justice. We've had judges impeached for drunkenness, which isn't a crime, but Dersh says impeachment requires a crime. Words nowhere in the constitution.

8:02 Holy shit does this guy love the sound of his own voice. So here, let's listen to him try to defend his own changing position on this very question.

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DERSH: In the Clinton case, he was charged with a crime. Now the issue is whether or not you need criminal-type behavior. I've done a lot more research. Back then, I took the word of many academics who said that. I've now done the research --

COOPER: So you were wrong then?

DERSH: No, I wasn't wrong. What I -- I, I have a more sophisticated basis for my argument now having read Justice Curtis's opinion and other opinions. It's very clear now that what you need is criminal-like behavior akin to bribery and treason. What is very clear is obstruction of justice, I'm sorry, obstruction of Congress or abuse of power aren't even close to what the Framers had in mind. And I will show that during my speech by going through all of the debates in Congress, Blackstone's commentaries.

Now Dersh is OLD BALLS, and he knows better: "I'm much more correct right now, having done much more research."

8:09 So, critics have pointed out that there was no criminal code at the time of the Constitution, and thus the reference to "high crimes and misdemeanors" cannot simply mean "crimes." In Dersh's argument, you must assume that the framers knew a criminal code was coming, so they meant it had to be for crimes only. Any anyone who says otherwise is a lawless poopyhead!

8:12 The contrast between Dershowitz's "angels dancing on a pinhead," hyper-legalistic, billion-word, magnum opus history lesson and Mitch McConnell's bare-knuckles exercise of raw power is ... A LOT.

8:15 "Let's assume there is a debate over regulating the content of social media ..."

We are so far off into the weeds here I'm checking for ticks. No wonder Mitch McConnell doesn't want cameras in the chamber to capture senatorial naptime.

"Some framers such as Roger Sherman ...."

8:21 Every lawyer in America is having flashbacks to ConLaw with some ancient gasbag who talked to himself, at speed, and didn't notice whether students were awake, fornicating, high, or even alive. OMG, he's making a joke to himself about "capital misdemeanors" at common law. LOL.

Fun fact: My first year of law school, all five of my professors had taught at least one of my parents. So I am very familiar with this particular species of law professor.

8:26 "In fact, and this is interesting, Hamilton's view was cited by Clinton's team ..." Literally nothing happening here is interesting.

8:27 Dersh admits that he said during the Clinton impeachment that no crime is required, but then pats himself on the back for doing more research, "as nonpartisan academics should always do," and reaching the opposite conclusion twenty years later.

"My switch in attitude is purely academic, purely non-partisan," he says. And then congratulates Prof. Lawrence Turley for a similar about-face on the question of whether a president can be charged with a crime.

"That's what academics do, and should do, when there is new information."

Giphy


8:32 Now he's accusing Democrats of impeaching every president ever. Washington! Lincoln! Jimmy Carter! Ronald Reagan! Barack Obama!

Look, here's where he's hiding the salami: He's pretending that there is some very clear legal standard for impeachment, and that politics should never enter into it. And there just isn't. Impeachment is what 218 Representatives and 67 Senators say it is.

8:36 Quid pro quo is legal, sez Dersh. Then he analogized withholding foreign aid to Israel as punishment for annexing Palestinian land to withholding aid to Ukraine for a smear of Joe Biden.

And now Dersh says that everything Bolton's book says is TOTALLY FINE.

"Nothing in the Bolton revelations, even if true, would rise to the level of abuse of power or an impeachable offense."

KEWL.

8:42 I see a lot of lawyers on Twitter right now treating this as a serious legal analysis that will somehow embolden the Senate to acquit by excusing abuse of power as "too subjective" to be impeachable. Can we just cut the crap here? This is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. It's mental masturbation. It's an avalanche of words that will have zero effect on a room full of bored people who have already made up their minds.

8:48 Dersh endless rambling doesn't matter. But here's something that does.

8:54 Dersh is praising himself for passing his own "shoe is on the other foot test," saying that he would be totally fine with a Democrat withholding aid from a foreign country for any reason at all, even if it were to trade for a personal benefit.

"I AM NONPARTISAN IN THE APPLICATION OF CONSTITUTION!"

8:55 He promises he's almost done, and yet he's still talking.

You know the saying "Jews say goodbye and never leave, WASPs leave and never say goodbye?"

OH HE LEFT, BARUCH HASHEM.

8:59 HAHA, Cipollone says, "Believe it or not, my mind went back to lawschool listening to Professor Dershowitz." YEAH, IMAGINE.

Now he's "ad-libbing" an obviously canned recitation of talking points. And the punch line is that even a first year law student would know that impeachment is UNLEGAL. Wokka wokka!

9:01 Cipollone is trying SO HARD to inspire like Adam Schiff. And he is SO NOT SUCCEEDING.

He's got a golden rule for us, Democrats. "Do unto Republicans as you would have done to Democrats."

Haha, like Mitch McConnell hasn't been kicking us in the teeth for five straight years. FUCK RIGHT OFF.

And that's a wrap.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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