By now you all know the story. Boy Nazi meets Girl Nazi. They are both Jewish and bring shame to their entire people! He's like, "Hey look at me, I'm the Trump administration's main squeeze white supremacist!" She's like, "They sent me to the border to find some compassion for babies being stolen from their parents but all I got was these cramps in my sides from LOLing!" And then they did P-in-V sex and now they are official married.

OK fine, we think Stephen Miller and Katie Miller nee Waldman were already fucking by then, or maybe they weren't, who knows, but you get the idea. But it was still weird, because he looks like a wizard put a curse on his family and said they'd never be released from the spell unless he lived his whole young life as a particularly rough-looking 150-year-old man with with a bad-shaped head, and she looks like a person.

Evgenia Peretz at Vanity Fair has an absolutely atrocious longread on how Stephen and Katie Miller started fucking, and we mean "atrocious" as a compliment. It is palace intrigue and the New York Times wedding column at the same time, but for 1939 Germany.

It starts at their wedding, which was dreamy for nobody but them:


Stephen, 34, and Katie, 28, had fallen in love—as young people do—while figuring out how to separate children from their parents at the border. Now, thanks to Katie, Stephen was officially off the market. It didn't throw her that half the country was blasting him as a white nationalist due to a recent cache of leaked emails, or that one chunk of his family had disowned him. No, this was the "perfect day," Katie tweeted, and Stephen Miller, "the perfect man."

Was he ever really ON the market, Vanity Fair? Had someone cast a wayward glance at Stephen Miller and thought oh boy, I'd like to show him my P-word?

Peretz writes like a common Wonkette about how amazed everybody was that Stephen Miller had found a "human woman" to do matrimonial boning with. "Katie, as the pictures showed, was pretty, with a warm, vivacious smile," Peretz writes. Weird, right?

But Katie Waldman was not a normal person. She was a garbage human being, just like Stephen Miller. But at least her face didn't look like his face:

... with an orb-like forehead, funneling into a long, pale face; mistrusting, soulless eyes; and a petulant lower lip. Rarely has a face been such an apt illustration of the person inside.

And then the murders began! And the Muslim ban and ripping babies out of their mamas' arms, which we guess is foreplay for Stephen 'n' Katie.

"This is all I care about," he told colleagues last year. "I don't have a family. I don't have anything else. This is my life." And now Stephen, who had gone without romance most of his life, had found love.

Told you he was never really on the market.

ANYWAY, Peretz reports that Waldman's friends humans unfortunate enough to know Waldman weren't surprised when she started boning the actual devil, because, and we quote, "The only thing she loves or values in this world is power. Anyone she attaches to in her life is simply a pawn to feed her addiction to it." That, Peretz, writes, came from somebody who knew her in college. Another said, "I genuinely believe there's something wrong with her. She lacks a moral compass and [demonstrates] elements of a sociopath."

(And what do YOUR college pals say about you to Vanity Fair?)

Point is, according to just about everyone, Katie Waldman Miller is a vile asshole. And so is Stephen Miller, hooray!

Peretz explains that Katie grew up in Florida as a Jewish person who hates Hispanics, just like Stephen Miller did in California. (If you don't know all those stories, read the Wonkettes about them, and read Peretz's full piece!)

And she has some new anecdotes, and new details about old anecdotes, about both of them! For instance ...

STEPHEN MILLER DATED A LATINA LADY!

That's right, after a high school career spent trying to make life miserable for every brown person he ever met, Stephen Miller went to Duke, where he had no friends and everybody hated him, but people also made him buy beer for them, because he looked 196 years old and dead inside.

And he dated a Mexican-American girl. A human Mexican-American girl. Peretz calls her "Sara":

[H]e wanted more from her than she from him. Sometimes she let him in; sometimes she'd try to shake him. "She'd just say, 'Go away, Stephen,' in that mean-girl way," says a friend of Sara's who suspects she was embarrassed to be seen with him in public. But he could lash back. The friend recalls that when Sara spoke Spanish, he'd cut her off, telling her, "You should just speak English." It went on this way for much of their freshman year, until she returned home. He called her a few times over the following summer but she never called him back, and she never returned for their sophomore year. Sara's friends, seeing his anti-immigrant stance explode over the years, later wondered to one another, "Man, how bad did she hurt him?"

OH MAN. If he hadn't been so vile in high school, we'd wonder if he was having babies ripped out of their mommies' arms at the border just because he's not over "Sara" yet. Considering his history, that's probably only part of it.

MEANWHILE KATIE DOWN THERE IN FLORIDA HATING THE HISPANICS!

Well, sounds like she was literally just like him. Had no friends, didn't like the liberal town of Weston where she grew up, and got into fights with her AP English teacher, a Black woman named Simone Waite, because she didn't like how Waite was teaching Toni Morrison's Beloved. You know, like you do, if you're a budding white supremacist who will one day marry Stephen Miller. She even did a petition against the teacher, like a fucking asshole.

Waldman stopped coming to class and promptly drafted a petition, calling out Waite for being "psychologically damaging" and "sickening," as the teacher recalls. Waite heard about it from a student, and was confused and devastated. The student assured her that no one agreed with Waldman.

And then later Katie was a dick to that teacher's daughter, in a really weird way. You'll have to read the Peretz piece to find out!

Also, when Katie Waldman was at the University of Florida in student government, she killed a motion to "send condolences from UF students to [Trayvon] Martin's parents."

She seems nice.

ANYWAY THEY WERE BOTH GARBAGE AND THEY MOVED TO WASHINGTON AND THEY WERE STILL GARBAGE AND ONE DAY THEY STARTED FUCKING, THE END.

Not really the end, because really, we cannot do this longread justice. But long story short, sounds like NOBODY EVER wanted to fuck Stephen Miller in Washington EVER, even though he was a white supremacist who looked 768 years old and lived in a very cosmopolitan apartment and was Michele Bachmann's press secretary and then Jeff Sessions's comms director. Don't know how anybody can keep their pants on around that.

As his uncle David Glosser recalls, during a Thanksgiving over that period, Stephen's parents asked him whether he had met any nice girls. "He exploded at the table, saying the subject was completely off-limits. They backed off."

that 70s show laughing GIF Giphy

Don't worry, though, Stephen Miller wasn't totally lonely:

He did catch the eye of someone, though—a disheveled older gentleman named Steve Bannon.

that 70s show laughing GIF Giphy

Spoiler, we don't think Stephen Miller and Steve Bannon boned. (OR DID THEY?)

Anyway, Bannon got him onto the Trump campaign and there were girls there but even among that garbage cohort we guess nobody wanted to fuck him, but Katie was also moving on up on her own xenophobic career path and then all of sudden she was in the White House and he was in the White House and she wanted to fuck him and now that's what they're doing, the end.

"I personally believe that he should be tried for crimes against humanity," says Patti Glosser of her young relative.

Y'all know she's having a baby, right? She has "YOLO" tattooed on the inside of her lip, or at least she used to.

Garbage.

[Vanity Fair]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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