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Not enough existential dread over those House and Senate seats? Let's talk gubernatorial races! Because 2020 is a census year, and if we want to put a stop to ratfucked electoral maps that ensure the GOP wins a majority of seats with a minority of votes, we have to take back those statehouses! Luckily, it looks like we have a real shot at some pickups here. Let's break it down chronologically.


7 PM: Georgia

  • Georgia: Will beautiful princess Stacey Abrams slay the evil demon vote suppresser Brian Kemp? Unfortunately, we might not know tonight. Or, for another month. If no one gets over 50 percent of the vote, they boot out Libertarian Ted Metz and vote again December 4, which is why he's trying so hard to depress her share of the turnout. [Insert bloodcurdling screams HERE.]

7:30 PM: Ohio

  • Ohio: Buckeyes, you're in the doghouse with us. And you know what you did. Please do not put that anti-choice poorfucker Mike DeWine in the statehouse. Vote for Rich Cordray, who spent five years at the CFPB sticking up for consumers against rapacious banks. Don't break our hearts, Ohio!

8 PM: Florida, Connecticut, Illinois, New Hampshire, Maine

  • Florida: Goddammit, you cannot make us think about that walking headcold Ron DeSantis today. Listen Florida, Andrew Gillum is THE SHIT, and Yr FDF would be thrilled to have such a wonderful candidate. Don't screw this up!
  • Connecticut: This is New England in a blue year. And yet, Democrat Ned Lamont is only a slight favorite over Republican Bob Stefanowski to replace Democrat Daniel Malloy. Vote, ye Nutmegs!
  • Illinois: Bye, Bruce!
  • New Hampshire: Gonna be a squeaker! Incumbent Republican Chris Sununu is still favored over Democratic challenger Molly Kelly, but recent polling shows the race a statistical tie. Could be a pickup if The Blue Team has a really good night.
  • Maine: With Paul LePage noping out to Florida to go sunbathe with Shifty, Smoothie and D-Money, this seat looks like a likely Democratic pickup. Maine's AG Janet Mills is polling several points ahead of GOP businessman Shawn Moody. Well done, Mainers! Now do Susan Collins.

9 PM: Kansas, Michigan, New Mexico, South Dakota, Wisconsin

  • Kansas: Kansans, you really, really don't have to vote for Kris Kobach. Vote for Laura Kelly! None of your neighbors have to know.
  • Michigan: Likely Democratic pickup, with kickass Gretchen Whitmer polling well ahead of creepy toad Bill Schuette. Or Schuster, whatever.
  • New Mexico: Oh, lookie loo! Another likely pickup for the good guys, with Michelle Lujan Grisham likely to clean Rep. Steve Pearce's clock. Lady Power!
  • South Dakota: How gross is Rep. Kristi Noem to be tied with Democrat Billie Sutton in South freakin' Dakota? Pretty gross! Weird how people don't embrace the sacred freedom of dying from lack of healthcare.
  • Wisconsin: Can it be? Are we really going to be rid of that beady-eyed little badger-fucker? Please Crom let Scott Walker go down to Tony Evers. And grant us all the joy of boring, uncharismatic politicians forever and ever. Amen.

10 PM: Iowa, Nevada

  • Iowa: Incumbent Kim Reynolds is looking beatable, especially with her campaign co-chair Steve King going full Nazi this week. Democratic businessman Fred Hubbell has been closing the polling gap, and it's anyone's guess what happens tonight. Come on, Hawkeyes, you got this!
  • Nevada: What are the odds that two guys named after prescription cold medicine would be running for governor in the same state? Nevada, it looks like you're having trouble deciding. Take Steve Sisolak, he's good for what ails ya! Adam Laxalt will give you hives.

And once those races are called, YOU GO TO BED. We're pretty sure Democrat Kate Brown's going to win in Oregon, and Republican Mike Dunleavey's going to pull it out in Alaska. (Oklahoma, probably goes red too, but WHO CAN SAY.) Rest up, Wonkers! We'll see you out there!

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Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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Some of our favorite people to follow on Twitter are the wonderful folks who watch Fox News every night and tweet screenshots and videos, so that we never ever EVER have to watch it. (They all work for Media Matters, so presumably they are being forced to do this by David Brock.)

We had a feeling after Pete Buttigieg did that Fox News town hall, and after we watched the MENSA trust at "Fox & Friends" just lose it all morning about Buttigieg's open criticism of Fox News on Fox News, that the evening hosts would really deliver on Monday night, and boy was our feeling correct.

Let's go to the tape, provided by Media Matters deputy director of rapid response Andrew Lawrence.

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Today it was announced that Dress Barn would be closing all 650 of its stores and its business in general. This has been happening a lot lately, as people have begun to do most of their shopping online rather than in stores. Shopko, a department store chain, recently announced it would be closing all of its stores as well.

Then there's the mall store Charlotte Russe, which closed all of its stores in March. I actually worked there in high school, and at Contempo Casuals, which later became Wet Seal, and which closed all of its stores last January (though it's still online). Many other "mall stores" are also either closing entirely or closing a huge chunk of their stores.

Dress Barn was a terrible and oddly insulting-sounding name for a store. The fact that it survived for as long as it did with marketing that bad actually speaks very well for the store itself. If it were not doing an incredibly good job providing many women with what they wanted, clothing-wise, I do not think they would have survived this long. While I can't speak to that personally, since the last time I lived in an area that had one I was 14 years old (though I did get a very nice purple crushed velvet baby-doll dress there for my grandparent's anniversary when I was in 8th grade), a lot of people today are talking about how much they appreciated that they could get nice work clothes there for a reasonable price -- and also in a wide range of sizes. That's awesome. There should be more of that, not less.

But the real problem isn't just people losing a store they like. It's the fact that all of the people working at those 650 stores no longer have jobs–about 6,800 people in total. (And 18,000 employees are losing their jobs at Shopko, which often served towns of 3,000 to 5,000 people, too small for any other store where you could buy, say, socks and a toaster.) And the way things are going, it's going to be pretty hard for them to find jobs in the same line of work. The vast majority of these people, also, are women.

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